sitting, waiting and wishing

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Lesson for life

Kesimpulannya..
Bukan senang nak buat org suka kt kita..I mean suka, suka. X kisah mcm mana kita tunjuk kita suka, serius and sayang, kebanyakannya akan play along just for convenience.
Memang bermain dgn risiko bila kita mula merasa, dan mengharapkan orang tu satu hari akan rasa yg sama.
Orang lain boleh kata, be honest, x cuba x tahu, nanti menyesal etc.
Itu semua cliche.
Cliche yg lebih sesuai dimainkan dalam drama dan novel cinta.
Ok boleh nak amek risiko bermain dgn api, kalau rase if outcome nye negatif, xkan rase kecewa dan patah hati.

Patah hati, yep.
Untuk kesekian kali. Ceritanya sama je.
Apparantly I am too good a friend, ppl enjoy being my friend too much it stops them from seeing me as a woman.
Realizing that is like a stab to the already aching heart..so what am I supposed to do? Stop being ms.nice?
I gotta stop being every guy's bestfriend!

Right now it hurts so much all I want to do is cry.
Right now I wish I have stayed vigilant and did not get close to him.
Right now I wish I didnt pursue that feeling when I first felt it.
Right now I hate myself for feeling it at all..and for feeling weak for what happened in the end.
Right now I feel stupid for still having that slightest hope, that the future is a mystery and who knows? Seriously?
I hate it that I have to go through this stage again..in order to become normal and happy again.
Although it is as it is, this is the answer I've been asking Him, whether he is the man for me, it breaks my heart to realize that he's probably not, to realize that I finally have to let go from that wish that maybe he is the one.
To go from maybe to absolutely not.

Sakit patah hati ni almost terasa seolah olah sakitnya fizikal. Hampir terasa di dada setiap kali mengenangkan the what ifs and why nots. Air mata kalau boleh kering, x apa jugak.
Rasa macam nak demam.
Lapar tapi x lalu makan.
Sakit.
And it all happened di masa aku sedang melalui satu fasa baru dalam hidup..di saat aku memerlukan kekuatan dan dorongan.

Pengajarannya...
Jodoh yg sememangnya telah Allah tetapkan. Aku sedar mmg bukan mudah, dalam berjuta manusia lelaki dan perempuan, untuk dua orang yg telah dijodohkan bertemu dan bersama.
Mereka harus berada pada satu masa, tempat dan fasa yg sama. Mmg kuasa Allah je yg mampu menjadikan kebetulan itu!
Kebetulan yg aku harapkan berlaku kali ni, rupanya hanya salah satu drpd kebetulan dunia yg palsu, yg tidak ditakdirkan untuk berakhir dgn apa2.

Ya Allah.
Jauhkan aku daripada sebarang kebetulan palsu.
Bantulah aku melepaskan dia. Bantulah aku menghapuskan perasaan ini, secepat mungkin!
Dekatkan aku dgn kebaikan, dan kurniakan dgn sabar.
Jauhkan aku daripada kekusutan memikirkan hal dunia, berikan ketenangan dan dekatkan aku pada Mu.
Datangkan seorang yg soleh datang melamarku, kemudian baru lah Kau datangkan rasa cinta itu, ya Allah!
Pelihara aku daripada perasaan dan perbuatan yg sia sia..ya Allah!
Ameen!

10:28 AM

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Sabar & redha..kah?

Less than a week before my flight to japan..2nd chance adventure in Japan.
I am still asking myself why?
But the decision's been made..and there is no option for a u-turn.

Meanwhile..its between these last days here that it became even more difficult or shud I say, more awkward..

Its at times like these..when I wud just stare at his name on my phone, wishing to call, but wondering if I shud...
Ego? Or simply because i'm scared of saying something stupid.

Gaahhh..
Belum jauh sudah rindu, mcm mana nak sabar dan redha ni?

12:47 AM

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