sitting, waiting and wishing

Monday, August 30, 2010

balik kampung~

PAGI ISNIN, AFTER SAHUR TIME. AND I'M STILL HERE,HOME SWEET HOME~ TECHNICALLY AFTER LAST FRIDAY NYE CHAOS, BOSS X APPROVE PON CUTI. TP DIA TX REJECT GAK. SO, DGN SUKA HATINYA, BWAT SELAMBA LA TAK KEJA ARI NI....LPS NI, BETUL2 AKU WAT, SEBULAN SEBELUM DAH APPLY CUTI..TGK AAAA..BUT THO TOMORROW CUTI, WILL BE GOING BACK THIS EVENING AFTER BUKA..ESOK HV SOME STUFF TO SETTLE, PLUS HAVING SOME IFTAAR DATE ,;-) NWAY, THE TRAFFIC WUD BE ALL JAMMED UP TUESDAY. AND I NEVER LIKE DRIVING IN THE DAY,HV ALWAYS PREFERRED NIGHT DRIVING ESP.FOR LONG DISTANCE..LOVE BEING HOME AMONG THEM. WELL THERE'S SOME STUFF I'VE BEEN AVOIDING BUT APPPARANTLY TO NO SUCCESS, THERE'S ALSO TOO MUCH FOODK-SERIOUS MAKAN NON STOP AT NIGHT!!-BUT DESPITE ALL THAT, I LOVE BEING HOME. IF ONL Y I CUD WEAR THAT POKER FACE EVERYTIME THE EVIL SUBJECT IS BROUGHT UP, IT'D BE PERFECT. THE EATING, I KNOW WILL STOP ONCE I GET USED TO IT....MAYBE I SHUD JUST BUY A HOUSE HERE SOMEWHERE, SO BALIK KAMPUNG WUD BE JUST MINUTES AWAY, AND I CUD STILL HV MY PEACE OF MIND.

5:53 AM

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Friday, August 27, 2010

EMO MEMBUAK-BUAK..DAH SEBULAN PLAN NAK CUTI ON THE 30TH..TP SBB SOME STUPID LEAVE POLICY CUM KUOTA SYSTEM, ADE HARAPAN CAM CUTI X APPROVED JEK..TATAU NAK BLAME SAPE..ORG YG BODOH GI APPLY GAK CUTI EVEN AFTER THE LIST ON BOARD ALREADY FULL KUOTA, OR DIRI SENDIRI YG LMBT APPLY ON THE SYSTEM.YER AA, INGAT SUMER ORG PAHAM BAHASA, KALAU LIST DAH FULL TU XYAHLA APPLY CUTI LG..BODO..RASA MCM ANYTIME BLEH MELETUP NI, NAK GI ARGUE NGAN BOSS PON MALAS. TAKUT MELETUP.SORI ADIKT2, BETTER KORG AMEK JE TIKET BAS BALIK SINI 31ST NANTI..SBB KALAU TAK DPT CUTI GAK 30HB TU, ADE 2 KEMUNGKINAN. 1, AHAD PETANG DAH KENA BALIK SINI. 2, TAK BALIK LANGSUNG.MALAS.

8:23 AM

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

lontong versi saya~



uhuh..

gaya kalah org mengandung - mengidam mcm2~
roti jala, jemput2 udang, choc molten cake..soto..the list goes on.
tp kekyoku hari ni, sbb malas nak pi cari 'binatang' (read; ayam/daging/ikan..), decided to make some lontong. ade udang kering cukup, takyah ada daging~
tp uhuh..ingrediants hunting dah sampai dkt kol 7..merebus ketupat segera nye dah sampai kol 8..
end up berita tv3 dah nak abes baru siap masak~
eh, sambal udang tu saya beli jek kat pasar ye. tak kuasa nak masak sambal..makan nye cenonet jek.
yg best..masak ikut selera tekak sendiri. takde carrot, takde kobis.
banyak2 tauhu and tempe.
secukup rasa ;-)
roti jala and jemput2 udang, nampaknye kena request ujung minggu nih ~

10:30 PM

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bosan

uhh..
Kesahnye, keja yg aku dok bwat skrg ni everytime nak loading data or save, amek masa berejam-rejam(exxegerate) sampai leh tido tersengguk-sengguk. So drpd melemahkan badan dgn tido jek di bulan posa ni, baik aku update, walaupon x bp penting pon. Ni dah abes dah baca papers online.
Uhh suka hatilah org2 keja gomen sonok nampaknye ari ni, dpt bonus raya rm500..huhu katanye org pencen pon dpt..err askar pencen termasuk ke? Kalau masuk, extra aa duit raya adik2 thn ni hehe

p2 pon br masuk gaji ari ni..tak berani nak kira2 lg since nampak nye yg masuk ari ni 1.0gaji jek..lg 1.0 yg di warwarkan dpt sepena raya tu kononnye masuk next week..err buat tak masuk kang, naya. So baik simpan lu duit senyap2.
*cuba utk tahan beli that yellow shoes at primavera i tried last 2days*

this week balik kg. Sgt looking fwd..projects in mind, choc chip cookies and tempeyek - mc larat jek. Larat kot, since aku tak pandai nak tlg menjahit heh..

Next sabtu, which is the last weekend b4 raya will hv some iftaar session with colleagues. Ermmm...
I was part of the gang yg dok survey n all, kinda looking fwd for it.
But somehow now, what with most ppl i'm close with r not coming-for good excuses-kinda tired of going to these things alone..
Its one of those things where ppl bring plus ones and families.
Hate to admit, tp lately dah mula rasa malas nak pegi these things alone. Rase mcm lg best jd ati social yg berbuka sesorg kat umah....yes me n my complicated mind.
nak bawak adik takleh sorg tu, tak fair. At least mau kena bwk 2 org~

ermm..will see la how..i've reserved for one. Bila sampai harinye, will just cross the bridge lah.
Ade hati pegi, takde hati kalu dok umah diam2 sudah.
Tak efek pon aku gi ke tak~

11:54 AM

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

silence

Permainan ini, diam seribu kata                                        sampai bilakah?

1:36 PM

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

maksud mimpi

kalau la mimpi itu realiti. tp maksud mimpi tu tak selalunye straight fwd. so ape maksud nye, smlm mimpi aku ade anak? bukan baby, tp toddLer umur around 2 yrs old,girl dan comei giler. tau la mimpi kan,mmg tatau ujung pangkal tuptup budak tu dah ade ngan aku..yg lawak aku dok bersusah cebok be*ak dia lak tuh! owh aku mmg ade history,bab2 ni mmg lemah sket. penah dgr org ckp mimpi dpt anak petanda nak dpt rezeki. nak dpt bonus raya kah? atau aku simply terlebih fikir psl anak lately.dok geram tgk news buang anak sedangkan kalau proses mengambil anak tu senang..dah lama aku ambil sorg~

1:45 PM

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Smlm tak berapa best..again takde org kat umah so purposely stayback..keja byk pon nway..end up time aZan tu tgh membeli beras kat supermarket chan. buka ngan air tin soya, sungguh tak best bukaair sejuk..Blk umah buat air panas, sambung buka ngan kek gula hgs yg sgt sedap - kek shee*a belikan mane tah..ikutkan kuih 2 potong tu dah kenyang tp tekak ni dok ngidam nasi, last mkn nasik was thursday time kat klgcc. so pas solat masak sat, punye laju by 8.30 dah leh mkn  - nasi+sayur kentang ngan suun+sambal sardin+telur dadar..lauk bodo jek tp seleranya ya ampun~                                                            Hari ni mls nak berckp::Jimat tenaga aa..lgpon xsahur kan..the only thing am looking fwd is to go back on time today, to meet bestie+1 &keluarga angkat for buka..err sudah bising i hvnt met them since after the wddg ;-)

11:27 AM

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Saturday, August 21, 2010

one week summary~

day 11 total lost; 6.
target; another 8.

ermmm..literally hari ni masuk hari ke-11 berpuasa.
technically, baru hari ke-5 ;-)
rugi2..tp nak buat canerr...ni gaya nye mcm ade possibility raya awal jek..adeh byk lerr nak qadha thn ni..
Ramadhan thn ni terasa laju..maybe sbb keja walaupon hectic, tak seteruk last year..last year time ni tgh teruk design stage- tak bother pon bulan puasa ke, selamba jek keja sampai malam. and since last year i was still living alone, sometimes tak bother sgt pon buka&sahur. pernah jek lupe makan sampai kol 10pm..pastu menggigil nak bukak air mineral pon tak larat~
this year kalau berbuka kat umah most of the time ade housemates, first week tu layan aje diorg nye semangat berbuka hehe- tak rase sgt sbb technically tak puasa even tho kalau ikutkan sama jek satu hari tak mkn or minum kat office...

masuk 2nd week, start sibuk buka luar sana-sini.

so this week kalau kira2, sekali jek buka umah..

-isnin-
ermmm..hari yg mcm tak best. sbb nye mood tak baper baik from weekend terbawak-bawak sampai isnin. ni bukan monday blues - post weekend blues! weekend tu meriah gak buka ngan adik2. monday suddenly takde org kat umah..sorg belum balik from jb, another one buka kat luar. then office plak byk GILER keja...sungguh takde mood nak rushing balik tapau food just to go back to an empty home ;-(
down giler sampai rase nak nangis! serius~
shee*a somehow knew and invited me to come join them berbuka at home..tp of coz lah, segan la kan~
serius rase cam nak mogok je duduk opis sampai kol 9..maybe buka ngan 100+ yg ade dlm pantry fridge tu..
tp rupanye ade blessing in disguise hehe..somebody pon stayback gak that day..at first katanye nak singgah je mane2 masjid yg lalu otw balik tu.. so as usual mamat ni kalau nak tunggu dia mmg tak ke manenye..bantai jek la ajak dia buka skali. and as usual pakcik ni mmg sentiasa bleh gak.
lauk berbuka yg sungguh sempai - nasi putih+sup ayam+telur dadar restoran- sup tak sesedap biase, tp somehow, selera la pulak kan;-)

-selasa-
first day puasa.
perut tak berapa sihat since monday so conclusion is, kena bersahur secara sihat.
so since tuesday onwards ni sampai la pagi td, dok sahur with plain nestum+susu+honey sama kurma 3 ketul and lotsa water.
Alhamdulillah so far, ok jek sampai petang...kadang2 ade gak aa perut menyanyi lagu rock kapak~
buka selasa ni, suprisingly tak berapa selera pon nak membeli kat pa.ram.
kuih singgit ngan nasi kerabu. sampai la ke sahur.

-rabu-
aaa..kena trick ngan k.ita(housemate). dia ajak buka kat s.alam, kononnye nak belanja. rupa2nye bukan dia, vendor yg belanja kat this nyonya rest - nyonya kitchen - nice place, superb asam pedas and pandan chicken.it wasnt a buffet dinner but the food they ordered sumer sedap. siap pekena cendol semangkuk BESAR ~
eh amazingly..batuk saya dah baik lah ;-)

-khamis-
ermmmm..buka luar lagi~
vendor lagi. kat KLGCC, bukit kiara. not bad..actually quite good. had yummy-lidah bakar hehehe ;-)
uhh..sbb pegi org belanja..tak kuasa la nak amek gambar bagai kan.

-jumaat-
errmm..as proposed by f.anita, we had dinner at her place. bbq+steamboat style. ok gak. relax jek takyah kecoh2 mcm kalau bukan kat kedai. kena paksa prepare the steamboat soup ngan f.anita..alahai pakai perencah jek pon hehe. tp still, gabra gak kalau tak jadik kan.tp rasenye..jadik kots.
berbuka pastu solat..membawa sampai ke dessert dan semua balik dgn perut yg terlebih kenyang~

-hari ini a.k.a sabtu-
urghhh...sabtu yg BOSAN giler sbb tak bwat pape siang.
takde mood nak ngadap pc edit pics ke whatever. so dok layan mata dan buku cerita.tp lg byk layan mata kot!
tak bagus bulan2 puasa ni..laundry semua pon dah settle serius mati kutu...petang br plan nak kuar asalnye sbb ade iftaar ngan gundai gang. tp impromtu tghari tu diselamatkan oleh superman. follow kuar gi kl jap. takde buat ape or beli ape2 pon. menghirup udara KURANG segar pon dah cukup baik utk merilekskan minda ;-)
mekasey la superman~
by the time balik dah kena ready2 tok kuar iftaar kat intekma shah alam. turned out to be like a small gath. sbb ended up ramai plak kohai tachi yg dah lame gak tak jumpe. yg se-batch std aa..muka2 bujang~
eh..tinggal 4 org jek rupanye...tsk2.
eh the buffet btw, not bad for what we paid la. rm43 net. mcm biase, kalau ditanye what was my favourite = nescafe tarik kot..tu jek yg aku bantai sampai 4 gelas.

-esok-
hmmm..
entahler..lagi hebat kot tahap keboringannye. berbuka nye plan pon tarak langsung~
siang dah tentulah...hv an option of going to the office, since ade gan keja nak settle.
or duduk umah baking or cooking..err tp kalau masak sape nak makan wey..housemates sumer takde...
nak ajak ila,ina buka cam agak serik la pulak..last week buka kat luar ngan diorg, kol 11 lebih br sampai umah sbb jln jam sumer biler anto diorg balik ke tpt2 masing2.

aa..kalau bleh ajak sape2 gi buka kat istana bambu kan best. mengidam2~
tgk la caner.
kalau tak berjaya diselamatkan..terpakse bukan sorg gak..maybe bleh gi merayau ke pasar ramadhan jauh sket.

boring dah pasar bukit sentosa nih.

tsk..
cepatla lagi seminggu.
next week, lps keja jumaat tu jugak nak gerak balik kampung. lantakler kalau kena buka dlm keta pon.
yg penting, sabtu pagi dah bleh sahur kat umah heh..cuti lah sahur nestum yey. nak request mak masakkan sayur kentang letak suun ngan telur tu, ngan sambal sardin. lg best kalau dpt sambal udang kecik2 tuh hmmmpph.
walaupon sendiri bleh masak..nak mak masak yek~
3 hari bleh berbuka kat kampung, kena buat list request ni rase nye..tp silap2 sendiri gak yg masak!
takpe2, still best sbb ade ramai tukang makan ;-)

11:49 PM

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

sujud

jiwa resah
hati kelam, keluh kesah
sendiri dilanda sepi, ramai terasa rimas
kekurangan yg terasa
bagai menghimpit dada

hari ini akhirnya
sampai masa ketemu-Nya lagi
pasrah dan berserah
langsung gugur setitik demi setitik
dalam sujud dan doa

9:02 PM

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Sunday, August 15, 2010

lompat..lg?

rase nak lompat2..
this time for real.

hari ni disogokkan dgn satu berita yg baik..Alhamdulillah.
baik dr konteks yg general tp somehow bleh manambah stress dr kenteks aku yg tak berapa normal.

aku ingat, bila sampai masa aku takkan kisah.
errmmm..
maybe tak kisah.
tapi still, stress, tertekan dan tak keruan.

terus rase ilang smgt nak ber'ahad'. rase nak dok sorg2, atau maybe lari jauh-jauh~

;-(

12:46 PM

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Saturday, August 14, 2010

gambar lama~

haha..td dok clean up pc. buang gambar2 yg dah takmo.sekali came across gambar2 lama zaman uni dulu.
so here goes --> part 1. hehe..
*caution, some are really poyo!!! sungguh tak tahan..but well, those were the days ;-)



haha..giler poyo.
ni pic kat nagoya banpaku. most probably africa nye pavilion - tgk aaaa tu gambar kat wall tu kan. pic courtesy to azian ;-)

ini lagi satu poyo tak ingat. kitorg 8 org satu batch. rajin gak buat aktiviti ber-8 jek.
sampai dah kena cop kyoudai(read:adek beradek) dek bebudak batch lain. jeles la tuh~
antara 3 keta ni, yg kaler itam tu dah kena jual, yg integra tu dah tukau kaler itam, yg tgh tu (accord eh?) sama jek kot skrg~


ni pada hari kejadian yg sama kot. had some bbq kat atas bukit mane tah. somehow, suka gamba nih. dr time ni lg aku mmg suka kendong tripod ke sana ke mari~
(dr kiri; rosa, yours truly, sas, jem kontrol cute, naza si kembar, ayuni, opah poyo dan harun bukan nama sebenar~)
true enough, mmg mcm kyoudai pon. sampai skrg we still hang out over lunch or dinner, sembang2 catch up, layan movies sekali skala. tho gang lepak dah makin kurang(read: gang bujang makin pupus), but we make the effort to keep in touch.
aaaa yg ni aku n mai chang~
ni time kitorg nye dinner party satu batch after presentation final year nye project. tu yg baju cam agak formal~
kitorg 2 org jek girls dlm satu batch mechanical tuh. just imagine 4 thn dikelilingi lelaki2 jepun (yg separuh drpdnye tak suka mandi pagi!)
tp rasenye time tu, lebih significant was the fact that i was a foreign student - than one of the minority girls. even mai chang ni pon agak lasak gak cam laki. ni dah abes final year time ni jek dia cam dah rambut panjang sket~
yg ni...my some of my lab mates ;-)
time ni dok bwat pot luck party kot, bwk food mkn2 kat lab. yg tgh2 mcm bengong2 tu is hayakawa kun, the only japanese boy in the whole mechanical system engineering class batch aku yg aku rase kiut haha..

dah la kiut, pandai lak tuh antara the smart boys in the class.tgk2 bleh satu lab laks ngan mamat neh~

yg kiri ala2 nobita tu, alamak!!!tak ingat aa nama dia..majide!! bukan weh, bukan sbb dia tak kiut haha.dia ni rasenye dlm batch ranking no.1 ke 2 gitu kot. budak kiut td ranking no.4 gitu...lab ni antara lab favourite. kitorg dulu bleh choose nak duduk bawah sensei mane ikut ranking dlm batch. time nak pilih lab tu sorg2 masuk dlm bilik batch nye sensei to choose lab. satu sensei amek 4-5 org..camne aku leh sesat dlm lab org pandai2 neh? naseb jek kot~
belah kanan yg macam taknak masuk dlm gamba tu sempai(read: senior). kira time ni dia tgh bwat masters kot. giler genius buat programming. owh btw, lab ni lab mechatronics. lg detail, robotics and control. so byk gak programming. sbb tu aa mostly mcm nobita jek~



ni same time punye gamba with a couple of others. sila abaikan botol minuman syaitaaaannn tu..biler belajar kat tpt diorg ni takleh nak elak la. time mkn2 mesti ade. yg penting aku tak penah pegang pon benda ni..minum green tea jek yek. time memula masuk lab, diorg bwat party, bebudak ni kena buli ikkinomi(read:minum sebotol sake/beer in one gulp), aku kena gak aaa, air oren botol~
tu yg tgh pegang botol tu pon senior gak, masters 1st year kot. ala2 sempai yg selalu take care kitorg laaa..dia ni selalu serius jek, tp time ni cam dah tak ingat dunia ni. tgk aa mata pon dah merah~
aa yg blkg aku tu kato san - yg ni aku ingat nama sbb dia ni spesel sket. dia ni pure japanese blood tp consider gaijin(read:foreigner), sama cam aku gak. sbb nye puluh2 tahun dulu tok nenek dia migrate gi peru pastu beranak pinak kat sana. tah how many years later dia plak gi nihon to study.tak reti ckp jepun pon dia ni haha~
giler awkward biler kena ckp english ngan dia.
aaa dok korek2 gambar raya first year tak jumpe lak...nanti dah jumpe leh wat part 2 laks~

11:16 PM

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Friday, August 13, 2010

lompat si katak lompat~

lompat si katak lompat
lompat laa tinggi2
mari kita lompat
abes release stress nie~

hish..
kalau cikgu bm sekolah dulu baca ni..nangis~

11:55 PM

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what i wanted to say


I should've done something
Again I did nothing
Watched us separate
What should I do now

Run and chase you down?
I can't hesitate

Cause all I wanted to say was something real
All I want you to know is how I feel
All I wanted to give was my heart
But I'm stuck here at the start

It's on the tip of my tongue but I'm still afraid
Sometimes the only things words do is get in the way
Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say
But I don't want to lose you, drive you away
Don't want to confuse you, I need you to stay
Only wish you knew what I wanted to say

My hands are shaking
I'm yours for the taking
Don't you hesitate
Please just do one thing
One small sign, something
Let's jump off the edge

10:07 PM

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

beringat sebelum kena..

aa...
malas nak berkias-kias. entry ni akan jadik se-direct yg mungkin.
cuma of cos masih maintain anonimous lah.

lately dok risau satu benda..risau sgt tu takde la, byk benda nak fikir lg. tp mcm berlaku simptom2 yg sgt familiar.

i was heartbroken abt a year ago - dah lebih setahun kot - it was unexpected, tersimpan je kat dlm ni. wasnt even my intention to let it out or do anything abt it, which is why when it exploded, it was really bad.
it happened in such a way that i fell into a really deep2 mess.
serious, going to work took a big courage. i wud sit at my place one minute, and suddenly feel like throwing up then had to rush to the loo crying big-big tears. it happened not one or twice - quite a couple of times. ada masa mcm rase dah messy giler2 like it was impossible nak keja, but it was busy time so amek cuti was not a good idea. almost resort to the idea of going to the see the psycatrist. that seemed to be the only way to be diagnosed as not fit to come to work.
i did not go to see the shrink of course. still phobia to see the doc.

it was quite a long-long episode. with lotsa awkward moments and stuff. i cant really show it when i feel really sad, its just not appropriate.
i thot of leaving this place, which at that time seemed like the only way to let go and move on.
but leaving is not easy. even when i had my chances, i decided against it. i didnt want to leave for the wrong reason.

so a year has passed, its still tough. i`m still recuperating but i cud feel that somehow i have finally accepted the fact it was just not meant to be. but along the way, it did occur to me sometimes, the what ifs.
what if i had given him more hints when he was still available? what if i havent gotten that close in the first place..and so on.
but the biggest regret had always been for letting things to be out of control. i should have either stop feeling whatever i was feeling( boleh ke..?) or giving it more effort when i still could. the feeling didnt come overnight, it wasnt love at first sight so i should've been able to see what was coming.

tp manusia, bile terbuai dlm mimpi, kita akan terus mengharap kita tak perlu bangun dr mimpi tu.for a moment i had it good. but when i woke up and realised that i messed up, it was just hell.

so, pernah la kononnye berjanji not to make teh same mistakes again - read:not to have any more weird feelings with the likes of friends/colleagues/etc, in general ppl i have to see everyday.
tp manusia, mcm kita belajar kayuh basikal waktu kecik2 dulu - jatuh sekali, dua kali pon tak serik nak kayuh lagi. buleh ke wat simbolik mcm tu..tp lebih kurang lah. walaupon sakit biler jatuh, tp sebelum jatuh tu rase syokkkk je mengayuh~
aaa lebih kurang aaaa

so skrg ni mcm mane?theres`s this guy.
dulu2 before the bad episode with the other guy, we used to be close. in fact i got close with the other guy because of him. but it got bad in the middle. somehow in between them and me, or us and him something was not right.
tho he is a self proclaimed non-gentleman, but the truth is he`s always a gentleman. he notices things i like and i dont and act accordingly. he knows i dont take food, or share cups or spoons with guys so he always offer me his food like icecream etc first before eating them himself. kalau dia dah mkn dulu, mmg kompem aku tak usik dah..
he always remember little stuffs i told him like the books i read etc...benda2 yg tak important pon but somehow he does.

and although perangai sometimes mcm budak2, he`s a very responsible man esp.with his family, his mother..
i had it considered. it crossed my mind at times waktu kitorg close tu. ade some old boss yg everytime terjumpe kat kedai mkn or etc, wud tease us endlessly, i have no idea how i must have looked, but this guy always remain calm and cool....yes, we used to be openly teased by certain ppl, but nothing happened and we did nothing about it. we managed to somehow remain comfy.
the problem was..dia too slow!
and aku plak oversensitive. i must have said some things yg maybe too heavy for him...kemuncaknye pi merajuk besar this one time, which resulted in us not talking for months! quite recently baru ok balik actually...tulah..org merajuk just nak made a point, yg dia pegi sama2 tak ckp jugak buat ape kan..

now we`re cool again.
there`S nothing awkward whatsoever, but he seems to be holding back. its always aku yg kena start..simple2 stuff like gi dinner ke whatever.. he always says yes but he just never initiates...

so the Q is..nak bwat ape ni?
if only feelings can be controlled, i wud throw this away jauhhh2~
so that we`d remain friends senang citer. sbb above all, its the companionship that i enjoy most. again this is not love at first sight, no physical attraction ke ape..byk benda yg konon bukan my type pon, tp tulah its whats inside yg overcome the outside. i cud make a long list of what i like. ade yg i dont, but then i am not perfect too.
tp feelings are soooo difficult to control. though deep down aku tau its almost impossible. i mean..kalau nak jadi, dah lama jadi pon.
he made a statement to another friend of us(pempuan, married) who accidentally told me - that dating me is like dating that married friend- what the..ape maksud tu? tak ke maksudnye its impossible??!..maybe i`m just not gf material for him kan.

skrg ni aku takut kalau tak dpt control or buang terus feelings ni..nanti one day dia akan jadik mcm episode dulu tu. heartbroken dlm senyap. uhh sakit woo tak sanggup nak lalu lagi...
abes kalau tak sanggup nak lalu lagi, mcm mane? sanggup nak main dgn api? yg kalau tak jadi boleh end up makan diri jugak?
either way mcm akan sakt jugak..

ni lah susah jadi perempuan..byk fikir, action tarak. takut. pulak tu susah nak let go, susah nak move on.
kalau aku lelaki, rasenye tak tunggu lama kot.kalau kena reject pon, muka tebal senang jek move on..like many men i know hahaha~

adehh..
bulan2 puasa nih. patut beribadat. ni pikir hal2 lagha.
nak buat camne..dok sorg2 kat umah time org lain gi teraweh...gini la jadiknye.

tp tulah..
serius aa...
takut jatuh kali ni lagi susah nak bangun balik... ;-(

9:12 PM

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salam 1 Ramadhan

aa...semangat bgn sahur hari pertama. tp malang takde rezeki nak rasa nikmat berbuka. naseb baik sempat merasa tarawikh mlm pertama. what a bad timing.                                                                                      but anyway, kepada yg bepuasa, wishing u all a blessed and beautiful Ramadhan~ 

9:58 AM

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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

silent

keeping silent, and drawing away from the usual crowd as much possible seem to be the best way. to go through these days while figuring out how to be less misunderstood.

stay with me or walk away.
cos if you cant handle my worst, then maybe you simply dont deserve my best.

dah.

12:28 AM

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Monday, August 9, 2010

misunderstood

i am sad and misunderstood.

firstly,
ade org tak boleh faham/terima konsep total platonic relationship between a man and a woman...
the idea of a single woman who is obviously looking for a partner to settle down with, but at the same time could have a totally innocent-platonic friendship with no expectation at all with a guy, seems too alien for most ppl. in my defence, it is not even a normal friendship to begin with. for me its the same relationship i have with my bestbuddy`s sisters - they`re more like sisters rather than friends. so in this case, he`s more like a brother. since i dont have a big brother, or a grown up little brother (my lil bro is only 11 yrs old!).

its nice having a brother figure in some aspects, who often offer brotherly advises, make stupid jokes, act silliyly childish sometimes yet unexpectedly protective at times. its not all nice, nice. it can also be very annoying, and provocative and also too direct with words!!
but hey, aint that how its always like with sisters and brothers. its abt giving and taking, and accepting them for who they are. of course there`s a very clear line you cannot cross no matter how close you are and i am sure what that line is.
its insane when people cud even think of the possibility of me getting too deep with this kind of figure.
clearly you dont know me well.
as if i am too shallow and cud easily just "sangkut" anyone who treat me well.

secondly, its also insane when one cud worry that i wud "sangkut" with him when i appear to be jiwang and mellow lately.
as if he is too likeable as a partner material, and as if it is really such a bad-bad idea if sthg doeas happen with us - which i promise, will never happen.
especially not after such unnecessary concern.

maybe in that little confused mind of him, he secretly thinks i dont deserve him if anything.
owh, have it ever crossed his mind that maybe he doesnt deserve me?
hmm..

these two things are just too shocking and plain saddening.
its as if i am too desperate to simply just like anyone who wears pants.
its as if i am less deserving.
its as if i am too blind to know the line.

its this kind of people that sometimes make me feel like drawing away and just be an alien.
judgemental. shallow.

dont blame me if i retreat into the old anti-social me one day.

1:01 AM

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Sunday, August 8, 2010

one day weekend

saturday was working day - replacement for raya hols.
reluctantly terpaksela semua org masuk opis except for the lucky 10-15% who managed to take leaves.
nevermind, i cud handle a working saturday.
had a game of volleyball in the evening, where my team lost - as planned actually, strategy to win in the finals, and to win overall ;-)
didnt feel good, but well lets just say we took our chance.

the night, went to watch a movie with one of my housemates. a bit awkward actually since unexpectedly she asked along another guy from her office, well technically from my dept. too lah but not someone i`m used to.
kiut gak mamat ni, cam malu2 haha. always thot he`s from kelantan since pernah dgr dia ckp mcm ade slang2 sket..rupanye org selangor duduk johor..cheh..

they wanted to watch the inception - too bad no ticks, so we ended up watching salt. typical angelina j. movie laa but as always, the action is good. dia ni kan might be the one and only female actor yg even women would say she`s hot ;-)

came back at almost 2am...dlm bengong2 tu tak tido terus..around 4.30 br managed to sleep..

i knew today i wud have nothing to do at home, staying in would mean staying IN the room all the time. housemate`s husband is here (weekend couple), so its a bit difficult.
actually planned to gamble meeting a photographer at KTMB station KL for a tag along shooting, but bgn pon dah dkt tghari...there goes my plan in the drain aa.

its over 2 pm now, and believe it or not its almost as if i`m fasting. x mkn x minum satu ape pon lg....normal la biler duduk rumah weekend..lg lah biler ade sebab utk tak turun ke dapur..
perut dah menggigit-gigit dah ni...
getting ready lah nak pegi umah keluarga angkat, they got some kopok lekor n kopi hai peng kemaman for me ;-)

maybe i cud drive tru mcd otw...

2:05 PM

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Friday, August 6, 2010

friday that feels like thursday

i hate it when u call me Far. stop it already. it never was my nickname in the first place anyway.

7:34 AM

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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Doa

walaupon sedar mungkin belum masanye, dan hakikatnye bukan perkara normal utk diidam dan diminta, hati makin kuat mengidam, jiwa makin kuat memendam. fizikal dah lama bersedia, naluri sering terusik                                                                             cuma masa nya mungkin belum tiba.

jujurnye pernah terlintas, kalaulah menerima dr penderma itu tidak haram dan mengendongnya 9 bulan 9 hari sbg dara itu juga tiada peliknya, mungkin sanggup aku lakukan.
Astaghfirullah..hanya Allah yg Maha mengetahui segalanya.

Doa dan terus berdoa.
Semoga sampai masanya, sebelum aku berputus asa.

11:42 PM

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Monday, August 2, 2010

disturbing

disturbing..this is just disturbing.i used to have doubts, keep telling myself that there must be some weird, supernatural explanation behind it. but its all becoming too clear to ignore..its disturbing when u found out sthg u're not supposed abt somebody close,who hv no idea that u knew..its only natural thAt we choose to believe the best abt  the person we care, but when the truth is just too clear to ignore, i cud almost feel hurt n sad. cant help but wander how that person, or anyone for that matter cud the things they do when they hv obviously taken that vow to stay true n loyal..? I'm in no position to judge, Allah knows best i shall just pray for the best.                           So, just a thought. is it better to hv never found it at all, or found but lost it in the end?                             

11:42 AM

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

paintball battle|the woods resort,ulu yam





had an tiring but adrenaline-rush-full-awesome day at the woods resort in ulu yam yesterday!
both being in the battle,shooting (at being shot at!!) hundreds of paint-bullets and also being in the field shooting them on camera! err...in fact actually its more scary when all you have is a camera, with no marker(gun)!!
wearing the red vest instead of the normal green ones never really save you from the bullets. could be a target of shooters caught by suprise, or simply hit randomly in that bullet-rain!
the game this time was even more exciting than the last time..felt like a real battle!
anyway, will give a detail story later (maybe..) ;-)
our team got 3rd hehe..out of 12. not bad la kan - actually i was just lucky being in a team with a couple of experienced guys.
the first 2 photos above are courtesy of wan farhan from www.bizzitone.com otai photographer from our department. brader ni tak main pon tp dpt 18 shots from yesterday haha...i played 3 games pon only got one really big one~
as always, there were hardly any face of mine in my own camera kan..hehe..so sorry abg wan, curik yek!
the 3rd camera, thanx to pojan - photo of us from the GREEN team before going into battle.
till then, gotta get ready for our lunch n movie date ;-)

10:10 AM

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