sitting, waiting and wishing

Sunday, March 25, 2012

happy saturday - part 1

After a stressful week at work, the weekend is really sthg i was looking forward to.
i did not plan to just stay home. 

woke up SUPER early on saturday, sbb tertido on friday noght when i was supposed to bake cupcakes for a colleague. heh..
friday was super tiring and emotional at work, tu pasalla lps isya' sudah pengsan. thot i cud wake up later but ended up, around 5 baru bangun. 
so i baked the cupcakes, finished frosting them around 7am..did the laundry, kemas2 mandi2..left the house around 9.30. sent the cakes and then i was on the way to putrajaya.

met with pali the organizer of this program kebajikan that i planned to tag along..not sure what i was supposed to do, but well i've got my camera so the least i cud do is, take pictures lah.

we dropped by a mydin store to buy bottled drinks, and then off we go to the venue of program - a futsal   arena in sg merab area, where the kids from Tahfiz Maahad Anak Yatim Darul Fuqaha were already waiting ( and joyfully playing!!)
the program that day was basically just to let the kids play futsal for 2 hours. these are very cheerful and talented kids! seyes! some played with just their barefoot, some with socks while some others are maybe luckier to have snickers on.
watching them really reminded me of my brother.. you know how sensitive i get when we get to that haha.

besides me and pali, there were a few other 'adults', mostly friends of pali, there that day just to give our support at what Pali was doing. me personally, its just sthg i have imagined for so long of doing, finally getting the chance of doing it.
the guys also played futsal with teh kids - mmg komfem pancit dan kena buli!
i just watched from the side, taking photos occasionally.

futsal ended aroound 2pm..then we followed them to their maahad.
by the time we got there it was already near 3pm. since i didnt have dinner the previous night and i also skipped breakfast, my stomach was already growling like mad. logically, even without skipping dinner, a normal person wud already be very hungry around that time. especially kids.
but these kids, after playing round and round of futsal - were still very patient and did not complain at all! Subhanallah...sgt well behaved. they first went to the surau for Zuhur berjemaah...errr i was quite 'blurred' with some of the guys yg taknak amek the chance to join the kids, instead saying they will singgah some masjid later.
hmmm..

for lunch we bought them kfc - something maybe these kids dont get to eat that often.
they lined up holding 'dulang' patiently. we cud hear instructions from the attending ustaz here and then, and the kids always follow the instructions..

they had to wait untill everyone got their share and then sat together on the cold floor to eat together. 
this is how it is everyday.

it was quite a moment..observing them eating. it was a simple meal, just kfc and nasi goreng/nasi putih but to these kids i know it's sthg special. according to Pal the first time he came, the kids were having dinner and what they were having as lauk were heartbreaking to see...

so anyway..us the volunteers, memula malu2 nak makan. but the ustaz insisted. so after making sure that the kids all are ok and kenyang, kami pon menjamah lah.perut ku yg asalnye sgt lapar pon jadi kenyang time tu, makan cukup syarat sbg menghormati pelawaan ustaz tu.

semuanya setel at around 4pm, sebelum bersurai Pal as kepala program sampaikan rehal kayu kepada wakil2 adik2 tu. mudah2an dgn sumbangan tu dpt memudahkan lagi pembelajaran adik2.
balance of cash donation will be used to buy some sports. stuff.

i hvnt had sthg personal like this to shoot..bosan dgn weddings and so on. this is sthg new and very rewarding emotionally.



at the game.





abang2 ( ke pakcik2?) volunteers


lining up for the food :p

sgt sabar menanti!
sumbangan rehal ~

10:07 PM

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Thursday, March 15, 2012

loud silence.

when the silence is too loud to ignore.
fighting with loneliness every single day, i'm coping but barely. its like always walking on my toes, i cud fall anytime if i'm not careful.
still failing to pass that phase of always longing to return home to someone.

tonight is just one of those weak moments..feeling so alone, hopeless, quiet and down.
hisabisani crying in my solat...

will i ever be strong enough, for once not for anyone else, but for myself to let go of the longing?
freaks me out to think of the possibility that it will still be a long long wait...




1:00 AM

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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

doa.


a piece of doa smbody posted in my inbox today.
just to share with other 'rakan2 seangkatan' :p

11:53 PM

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

have u ever..?

Have you ever felt crappy and want to just go away, far far away, with the hopes of having people search for you?



9:53 PM

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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

rugged?


kesinambungan drpd entry sebelumnya.

..teringat perbualan dgn ustaz waktu menunggu flight kat Queen Alia Airport (Amman) ari tu..u
aku ni mmg jenis lambat warm up, 2 weeks ada peluang bersembang dgn ustaz ni, tp segan selalu. lgpon busy mengejar masa sepanjang masa kat Madinah dan Mekah, x smpt nak tangkap ustaz.

tp waktu kelam kabut urusan check in and boarding di Jeddah waktu nak balik ke Malaysia tu, aku ade tolong2, angkat bag tarik bag, kira itu ini waktu group check in etc. byk gak kelam kabut time check in tu sbb kami lambat, ahli grp gak kebanyakannya x berapa nak gerak. duduk je menunggu. yelah maisng2 dah penat. x senang duduk jadi nya tgk ustaz tu ke hulu hilir sesorg sampaikan time kitorg sumer mkn, dia x smpt makan pon. aku tolong2 mane bleh jek, tolak troli bag, air zam zam. walaupon ade gang2 lelaki yg buat tp rase cam boleh, tolak je bukan nak mengelek pon.

bila dia tau yg aku umur 30, single, his first question was " keja ape?" and then " dulu belajar mana?" " belajar apa?"
aha..see, even ustaz pon ade dia punye 'persepsi'. u can smell it from those questions. but i wasnt offfended. dah mmg mcm tu pon.

..and then the conversation went on and on. waktu ni most other ppl ( termasuk makcik2 yg aku dok berkepit dgn hehe) pegi freshen up, toilet breaks, solat etc. aku plk since xleh solat, lepak2 je jaga bag, tgk ustaz lepak makan eskrem arab, aku pon join ler sekaki.

 adelah benda2 yg ustaz ckp..dia sentuh soal jodoh mmg dah ditentukan, tp tak semestinya kita kena tunggu je x buat ape2. langkah ada caranya, terutamanya org perempuan, lagi2 kalau nak jaga adab dan adat. kalau x mampu sendiri, sepatutnya ibu bapa, keluarga kena amek peranan, which is what lacking now. zaman skrg mak bapak assume anak2 suka nak carik sendiri, so 100% lepas peranan pada anak2 sendiri. sedangkan ada jugak anak2 yg biasa2 mcm awak ni, bukan yg gedik2 dan bukan juga yg alim2, yg perlukan bantuan ibu bapa.

'yg biasa2'? hmm..

aku x komen sgt time ni..sensitif. kang komen2 lebih takut ternangis jek. buat2 gelak jek.
and then ustaz tu kata, dia belajar psikologi, and based on pengalaman berjumpa dgn pelbagai manusia dlm trip2 umrah dan haji mcm tu,dia selalu secara tak sedarnya membaca personaliti org.
owh no..
so dia start laa.." saya tgk awak ni..bla bla bla~"
detailsnye biarlah rahsia..tp byk lah yg terkena.
paling terkena bila dia ckp.." u cant cry inside and smile outside at the same time. begitu jugak u cant smile inside and cry outside.." tu dia, speaking london oo ustaz tu.
paling kelakar bila dia ckp.. " mungkin sbb awak ni dah biase keliling byk lelaki, belajar pon bidang lelaki, kerja pon bidang lelaki, tp ok sy saya tgk awak rugged je, laju"

adeh, rugged? ustaz plak tu komen gitu.
itu dgn dressing aku yg tone down, ok maybe 'sempoi' compared dgn org lain time tu yg berjubah bagai, aku je yg berseluar dgn kurta labuh.
tp fikir balik, aku rase cam paham la maksud dia 'rugged' tu guana..not limited tu cara dress, tp lain2 gak kot.

sebelum berpisah lepas amek luggage kat KLIA, ustaz tu smpt cakap terima kasih sbb tolong saya mcm2, ape2 boleh cerita2 lagi.
sampai pelik makcik2 sepergian aku tu, ape benda yg ustaz tu ckp?

hehe.. aku sengihkan aje. diorg tak perasan yg aku smpt ber'taaruf' dgn ustaz. leceh plak nak explain.

2:29 AM

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usaha mencari jodoh bagi wanita muslimah - masih skeptikal?


sthg somebody forwarded to me previously...baca title, was a bit skeptical.
in fact actually dah lama dah benda ni dlm mail box, x baca2.
ni baru nak baca.
haha.

unfortunately still ade sket skeptikal, sbb suka atau tak keadaan zaman skrg ni x berapa nak mengizinkan kaum wanita, teruatamanya yg moden, berkarier bukan yg duduk ngan mak bapak (familiar?).
*in italic are my personal thoughts..*


01. Berusaha menyediakan diri sebagai produk ‘solehah’ yang diidam-idamkan. Biasanya produk ‘solehah’ yang bermutu tinggi dari segi agama dan akhlaknya mempunyai permintaan tinggi di dunia dan akhirat. Apabila sesuai masanya  dan tepat orangnya, serahkanlah ‘kesediaan hati’ anda untuk dirisik dan dipinang dengan jalan yang syarak 
* ermmm...ada logik. sgt logik, talking abt demand and supply huhu. tp honestly sampai one stage i cant help but wonder, maybe all the good ones are taken, no? tgk kaliling, yg soleh sama ada terlalu muda atau sudah jadi laki org (atau sombong atau high taste?) hoho. ok, takyah fikir *

02. Berusaha mengawal diri supaya jangan gedik, mudah menyerah dan mudah melayan kerana wanita sebegini biasanya begitu senang untuk dimiliki oleh lelaki yang tidak berakhlak sahaja. Biasanya wanita yang senang dimiliki (hanya dengan sedikit godaan berupa SMS, call, puji-pujian dan lain-lain), senang pula untuk dipersia-siakan. 
*checked! no prob. rase mcm jauh panggag dari gedik :p*

03.Berkawanlah dengan rakan-rakan sejantina yang solehah. Jodoh anda mungkin dikalangan abang mereka, saudara mereka dan sebagainya yang soleh-soleh juga. Jelaskan niat bahawa itu bukan matlamat tetapi wasilah semata-mata.
*haha..errr, no komen. i dont hv that many close girlfriends pon. just a few really great ones :p*

04.Jika anda terpikat dengan agama dan akhlak seorang lelaki dan anda ingin memuliakan, pilihlah cara melalui orang tengah yang soleh. Jangan menghantar hasrat terus kepadanya kerana ia boleh menjatuhkan martabat dan kemuliaan ‘malu’ anda dimatanya
* ok. i'm guilty. but it will never happen again*

05.Minta ibubapa, abang atau saudara-mara yang mencarikan untuk anda.
*MASALAH DUNIA yg ini*

06.Jika anda dirisik secara langsung oleh seseorang lelaki dan anda memang menyenangi agama dan akhlaknya serta berkeyakinan dia boleh berubah menjadi lebih baik, mintalah dia merisik dengan cara yang lebih mulia iaitu dengan terus melibatkan ibu bapa, bukan hanya berdua-duaan antara anda dan dia. Ingat, cara yang menggunakan orang tengah dan menjauhi fitnah itu adalah cara yang dilakukan oleh Rasulullah
*Amin, amin Ya Rabbal A'lamiin*



2:24 AM

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Saturday, March 3, 2012

quick hi!

i'm back!!!!!!

satu masa biler sempat insyaAllah akan ku ceritakan pengalaman indah dan menarik di dua tanah haram yg suci - Mekah & Madinah :p
Dua minggu yg sungguh membahagiakan.
but right now i hv so much to do, the stories will have to wait :p

walaupon sudah berazam utk tak stress2 sgt dgn hal2 dunia ni..tp masuk keja first day, 2nd day dah tensen.
huhu..honestly, mmg dah x tahan. boleh kalau jenis yg hati kering, tahan telinga dan hati walau ape jadik.

pengalaman menyelami jiwa dan rohani memberi satu pandangan baru pada kehidupan. hidup ini survival, utk tujuan utamanya - mati.
soal dunia tak sepatutnya terlampau memberatkan hati, fokus dan masa perlu ada utk kepentingan hari kemudian.
hakikatnya kita semua adalah loners, mengembara membawa jiwa masing2 mencari hala dan tuju.

sambil hari2 memikirkan bila laa nak ada knight in shining armor datang menyelamat, so that x payah susah2 gi keja haha..sambil smgt masih berkobar-kobar di dada, yg harapnya akan kekal lama, kini dalam proses 'menabur benih'.
dah x boleh stay doing what i'm doing, i need to move on, meet new ppl, improve social and economy security and most importantly be more happy.
jujurnya, ade seseorg yg pernah membuatkan aku sayang utk pergi, tp x byk yg tinggal skrg. dah ade closure, tutup buku Alhamdulillah.

tukar kerja mungkin hanya satu aspek keduniaan, x semestinya menyelesaikan semua masalah. tp kata hati ia perlu utk diriku yg baru.
untuk diri yg kini sedang belajar utk hidup bahagia dan membahagiakan.




3:25 PM

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