sitting, waiting and wishing

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Doctor's appointment.

Hari ni dpt call dari member - dietition kat ppum (ralat:bukan hukm). Dia tanye isnin ni bleh dtg x? Dia dah refer to their breastfeeding unit and they ask to come for counseling session. -to answer all my questions n uncertainities, and also for them to their part of the job - explaining me the process, method, side effects etc.

Ape yg aku tau melalu pembacaan..it will involve me taking a pill. Hormone pill yg trick the body to think that it is expecting a baby..thus menggalakkan penghasilan b.m mcm wanita mengandung..it shud be assisted by physical massage and simulation as well..kalau ade baby, lagi bagus. time wise, it could take as short as 2 weeks and up to 2 months! YaAllah permudahkanlah.

And based on what i read jugak, taking the pills cud cause physical and emotional distress and imbalance as well..cepat penat, nausea etc..mcm org mabuk.
Ya Allah..xleh imagine. But am trying not to freak out first...

Remember farah...go with the flow.

P/ s: dunno yet nak gi ppum pagi ke petang...cuti x byk, so kalau bleh nak amek 1/2 day jek.
Lgpon nanti mesti kena amek cuti lagi  :p

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8:37 PM

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Nothing to loose.

Tak jatuh tak sedar
tak cuba tak tahu
yang penting terus berusaha
dan yakin Allah itu Maha Berkuasa.

I'm at peace with myself.
i started at zero. So even if i fail this time, it simply means i havent gained a thing, but i also have lost nothing. So i'm trying to keep it slow, and just follow the flow..
but if i failed to believe and try, i know i wud surely regret my whole life, wondering what if..

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1:22 PM

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Decision.

Sehari dua ni agak tenang dan aku makin nekad, lebih2 lagi saat aku sedang terfikir-fikir membayangkan soal penting ni petang td, masuk mesej daripada sorg kawan dari Madinah - mmg hari tu sebelum pergi aku kirimkan doa2 pada dia..termasuklah doa soal jodoh, anak, kerja dll.
So lps timbul issue baby ni..aku mesej dia lagi skali,mintak doakan sesuatu yg lebih spesifik..doa dipermudahkan aku membuat pertimbangan, mohon disenangkan hati kalau benar ini untuk ku.

Dia senyap je dari smlm..tp petang td sgt aku tgh mengelamun gak pasal ni, dia mesej bgtau yg semalam dan pagi td dia smmpat doakan kat raudhah..yaAllah rase meremang sekejap. Terbayang alangkah seronoknya kalau aku sendiri dapat berdoa kat dlm raudhah tu lagi...yp membayangkan yg doa aku disampaikan oleh member tu pon cukup memberi kekuatan.
Tiba2 rase mcm semua ni akan ok.
Rase berani nak put aside ketakutan aku, and face the thing.
pasty tetiba sebak..sbb terbayangkan camne la biler betul2 dpt baby tu nanti huhuhu..

Tghari pon dpt call dari maksu, dah citer lebar
pasal prosedur sumer, pastu ni pon baru lps ckp on the phone lagi. InsyaAllah..terasa kuat.

Aku tau peluang ni x datang selalu..dan aku kena kuat dan cepat. Esok nak call mak member tu- apahalla mamat ni plak gi balik jepun esok tst.
then nak set jumpe, terus gi visit family tu...maybe tanye diorg betul2..pastu tanye ape syarat2 diorg..maksu pesan, x salah dia mintak duit ubat ke belanje sikit2 tp jgn sampai ribu2..tu nanti dah issue menjual beli anak pulak..

Lps jumpe tu kalau dpt mutual understanding, baru akan amek cuti a.s.a.p, utk setel bawak gi jkm utk daftar pengangkatan.
Eventho its a bit hard not to get excited, aku plak lps dah ade baby dlm tangan baru aku akan beli barang sumer...sebelum tu cukupla yg wajib2 mandi pakai susu etc tu je..dan lps tu nak terus gi jumpe kawan kat hukm tu utk amek ubat kaunseling for utk b.feed baby. InsyaAllah, since baby tu skrg 2 bulan, i hv 22 months to nurse her and be her ibu susuan.

Kuatkan lah dan permudahkanlah aku ya Allah.

P/ s: tadi pegi tesco usya2 harga diapers, susu etc. Pastu sengih sorg2 belek baju baby.
Hai laaaahhhhhh.

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9:07 PM

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Info.

Induce Lactation (Mencetuskan Penyusuan Ibu)

Dulu penah post kot benda ni....tp malas nak korek balik. Alang2 jumpe kat blog akak ni, ku post sat

Hmm..betulla mmg at least kalu ade sebulan ni, bleh aku usahakan amek ubat tu, eventho secara ideal nye patut mula se awal 6 bulan.

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5:31 AM

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Babies updates.

Update abt both the families - both are just miskin, no background issue. Maknenye dua2 anak sah taraf..Subhanallah, sekali datang Dia beri pilihan sampai dua pada aku. Terpulang pada aku skrg sama ada nak atau tak - bezanya yg satu tu girl, dah lahir, satu lagi tu, boy kena tunggu. My instinct kuat pada yg dah lahir ni, walaupun dia baby girl and ade sikit complication in the future. Tp aku yakin yg kalau aku bersikap open dari awal, it wont be a big issue. When she's big enough, she'll get to know that she has two families.
Instinct ni maybe berpunca drpd instinct to grab whichever comes first. Sebab yg ni dah ade depan mata. the other one tu, since tgh pregnant, aku kena konsider cost..dan mcm2 bleh jd selagi baby lom kuar..aku xleh paksa if later diorg tukar fikiran...

Cuma satu pasal issue hubungan anak susuan dgn suami ibu susuan tu belum dapat reply ustaz lg..then yg juga penting, if aku nak amek baby girl tu pon aku still perlukan masa utk prepare all the physical stuff. Preparation dari segi ruang dan facilities untuk dia dalam rumah skrg, clothes, car seat, stroller or carrier...owh and babysitter arrangement since i wont have confinement cuti. and breast pump too. Owh itu mahal kan?
Sumer tu perlu cost. Org lain amek masa 9 bulan utk prepare, logiknye untuk aku nak prepare immediately tu agak susah.
tapi peluang mi aku tau x akan datang selalu.

Idea yg datang skrg is to help with cash first utk sebulan ni, which aku kena usaha la mane nak fork out a bit of cash,x sure bp byk wud be enuff to hold them from giving her up to somebody else..
Sementara tu buat preparation mane yg wajib dulu like carseat n stroller n bbsitter arrangement, basic clothes, diapers and stuff.
maybe leh pinjam newborn stuff Ilyas and from friends..aku risau benda besar2 je like carseat n stroller, also baby cot and pengasuh tu. Cos i'll be alone to carry her around so logistics mmg sgt penting.
Dpt bonus akhir december is just perfect timing to get everything else. *trying hard not to get too excited*
and  maybe aku leh start jumpe lactation counselor yg a friend nak kenalkan tu  aku harap costnye bearable jugak...

Sounds like a do-able plan.
Walaupon first and foremost aku tak ckp lg ngan family...takut sbb xleh nak expect ape pandangan diorg. Tp mmg kena gitau vr2 soon laa...

I just hope the family agrees about the one month preparation period...aku xlehla bagi cash byk2 pon. Maybe few hundreds utk diorg beli susu  diapers etc. Or maybe aku shud belikan je barang2 perlu utk baby n ibu?

Rase mcm nak jumpe mak member tu esok gak..byk sgt soklan. Penat nak tunggu mamat ni feedback satu2.

Will be updated soon.

P/ s: i learned my lesson recently that i cannot commit my heart and soul into work alone as it breaks me when it fails. And i prayed for Him to give me something more meaningful to live for.
Maybe this is His answer for me?
A heart for my soul.

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4:54 AM

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Monday, November 26, 2012

Dugaan dan peluang.

Ya Allah..
dugaan datang dalam bentuk sesuatu yang memang dah lama aku doakan. Cuma mungkin sebab aku sendiri x nampak mcm mane perkara tu bleh berlaku, bila tiba2 peluang datang dpn mata..aku terkedu.

Baru je malam ni, aku dpt p.m on fb chat from a friend. Kawan satu uni dulu he knows aku ade niat nak amek anak angkat.
Dia gitau mak dia kenal dua family yg tgh cr org nak adopt baby diorg.
Rase dunia berhenti kejap.

Jawapan first aku, 'wait..i need to compose myself'
Waktu tu tgh makan tapi tetiba terus kenyang..x abes nasik dlm pinggan.

Lps beberapa minit baru otak mula berpusing dan berfikir.
tu pon blurr gila..aku selalu ingat, bila sampai masanya aku sudah ready.
tp rupanya its not that simple.
First thing came to mind, timing nya bila?
aku nak, sgt nak. Tp kalau skrg, kena konsider cost. Cost initial, dgn cost monthly.
Dan lg soalan sama ada baby tu dah lahir atau masih dlm kandungan, status ibu dan ayah kandungnya.
Note, kalau baby dlm kandungan, ade extra cost to cover: check up, delivery n berpantang, not less than rm3k for sure.
Soalan2 yg memula aku tanya diri sendiri..pastu aku tanye mamat tu.

Pastu lama jugak..br mamat tu update info. Yg satu tu, baby girl dah lahir. Family anak ramai. Aku guess, org susah. Ya Allah lagi skali terasa dunia berhenti kejap. Agaknya kalau ade baby tu dpn mata skrg..mmg aku amek terus. Kesiannya. Kesian pada baby, juga pada parents tu.
Yg ni i'm guessing, sure la nak bagi cpt2 kan..so kepala start kira2, feasible x kalau in short notice nak sambut kedatangan bayi dalam life aku?ckp duit x nak ready keperluan asas permulaan dan seterusnya? twmpat tinggal plak camne? Sempat x aku nak get advice n help utk induced lactation utk susukan baby? Etc2.

The other family plak, x byk details. But not born yet. Scanned boy! Still dlm kandungan, mamat tu ckp maybe 'young mother'. Hmmm..soalannya pulak, dr segi status anak..selalunye org yg awal2 dah decide nak give up baby ni, sbb ade issue status. Aku ok, tp aku tau family aku dan masyarakat mungkin tidak
Cost mmgla lg byk sbb kena cover drpd before delivery, but tu insyaAllah ok kalau deliver after december...dan ade masa utk dpt consultation doctor pasal breastfeeding tu.

Each case, ade pros n cons.
Instinct dah ade utk yg first case, imagining yg baby tu dah ade! Dan less gamble compared to unborn nye case.
Tp its a girl..and tetiba aku musykil mcm mane kalu aku kawen nanti - suami aku jd ayah susuan ke x?
Kalau clear bab ni, then the girl will be my best option ekceli.
papepon...smmpat jugak tanye pada mamat tu, those families, diorg ok ke nak bg anak kat unmarried single mother?
So aku kena tunggu jawapan pada soklan ni berserta soklan2 lain sebelum hati aku bertambah kembang dan berbunga bunga.

Rakan2 yg kukongsikan soal ni, memberi reaksi yg berbeza. Kebanyakannya menyokong, tp ade gak persoalan2 yg jujurnya aku sendiri penah tanye diri sendiri?

Mcm mane nanti ko nak kawen n lelaki tu x leh terima sgt anak tu?

Takut nanti lelaki susah nak dekat..Caner?

Kesian kat budak tu xde ayah..

Camne family? X kisah ke?

Kenapa mak bapak baby tu nak give up anak diorg? mak dia: X sayang ke?

Jaga anak bukan senang..apetah lgi sesorg..

Tak takut anak tu nanti dah besar tinggalkan kita plak..?

Dugaan nak mendidik anak2 yg kita tatau family dia caner...dugaan jugak kena terima dan sayang dia mcm anak sendiri..

Allah..dan lain2 lagi.
Soalan dlm kepala n hati sendiri lg la byk...
kadang2 walau kita dah determine utk buat satu kebaikan, syaitan juga sama membisikkan keraguan.

Puas jugak bersebak dan menangis..terlalu berat keputusan yng hendak diambil.
peluang yg dtg bukan selalu...aku tak mahu membuat keputusn terburu-buru mengikut emosi dan naluri semata-mata..
tp aku jugak tak mahu menyesal x ambil peluang dpn mata..

InsyaAllah petunjuk Nya masih kucari dgn iatikharah dan doa. restu keluarga akan kupastikan.
Mudah2an dipermudahNya.

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2:33 AM

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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Quote

Find a place inside that brings you joy...and the joy will kill the pain.

12:45 AM

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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Putus asa.

Apabila orang yg kita suka menonjolkan sifatnya yg kita suka, yang membuatkan kita tertarik pada awalnya, tapi kita tau antara kita tak akan ada ape2..hanya boleh memandang, mendengar, membaca dan merasai dari jauh,  merasakan sedihnya itu bukan milik kita, yang suatu masa akan menjadi milik seseorg lain yg lebih bertuah..merasai takut andai tidak lagi berjumpa dgn sifat seperti itu pada seseorg yg lain sampai bila2..
mungkin kerana aku tidak layak untuk yg sebaik dia?

saat itulah akan terasa kesal, kesal kerana terlalu 'forward' pada suatu masa. Kesal kerana terlalu cepat putuh asa...

7:17 PM

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Mimpi?

YaAllah..mimpi itu datang lagi.
mimpi dinikahkan. Kali ni mmg agak panjang mimpinya..dari awal sampai la abes kenduri, tp nampak kelibat mamat tu dr tepi dan blkg jek, puas aku belek. Itulah dia mimpi, xleh nak kontrol. Yg nampaknye, tinggi orang nya. Adehai. Komfem bukan org yg saya kononnye pernah suka tu. Haha.

It seemed like a very simple kenduri, just nikah then makan2. Or tu kenduri lps nikah kot? Belom hari langsung lg? No idea.
But everything looked so simple..yg kelakar last2 skali siap terkilan2 sbb x sempat buat doorgift sendiri, the event seemed like a last minute planned thing sampai sumer pon ala kadar jek.

Orang kata..mimpi itu sama ada dtg drpd Allah atau mainan syaitan. Dan aku bukanlah arif nak menafsirkan yg ini.
mudah2an mimpi ni membawa petunjuk yg baik drpd Allah.
Ameen.

10:15 AM

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Friday, November 23, 2012

Skipping time!

Pejam celik pejam celik dah nak masuk bln 12!
Pastu masuk tahun baru!

Hmmmmm..
Masuk je january mesti complicated..the part of getting a year older is fine. But it always reminds me how static and 'the same' i've been.tetiap tahun berangan dan berdoa supaya next year akan berlaku sesuatu itu..tetiap tahun berharap supaya x perlu nak rase complicated mcm mane nak go through hari menjadi tua setahun..tetiap tahun membayangkan tahun depan mungkin lebih 'meriah'..
It is just a day, but it reminds me that the clock is ticking and i am still the same.

But its happening again in 2 months and i'm again dragging that moment.

Last year was quite upsetting in the beginning..spending the morning n noon alone wandering about kl. Luckily got some unplanned companies for the evening...which i truly cherished.
My birthday wish was to wake up not alone on my next birthday, I was quite determined to achieve that!
which obviously is not gonna happen anyway..unless my life turned dramatically like drama! No, totally impossible!
i wish i can just skip that day.

Maybe i should just do that. Skip the day and skip this place.

6:12 PM

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

日本が恋しい。

I miss nihon..bertambah lg dgn ramai2 org kat opis pegi nihon skang ni, and kemungkinan pergi lagi, lama plak tu.

Dulu masuk p2 sbb ingat leh gi training nihon..harapan nye lah. Sampai ke sudag xdenye.
Skrg nak dpt pegi punye la susah..
org lain ade yg bukan sekali dua, berkali kali pon x heran dah.
Takpon ade yg dpt peluang pegi, tp taknak pegi atau tak bleh pegi..
Aku yg xde masalah nak pegi dan nak pegi taknak bagi pegi plak..
lama2 bersabar bertahun2, last2 bila dtg masa ramai2 bleh pegi, berada plak dlm situasi yg limited peluangnye.terkilan sungguh..
nak gi ckp kat boss kang kalau tau dek org lain abes jd bahan plak..diorg ni kalau sendiri ckp poyo2, mentang2 la sendiri x rase.
esok lusa kalau dah kawen dah berfamily lg la susah nak pegi..tp time ade kelapangan dan xde ape2 kekangan ni x dpt peluang plak..
Kang kalu org lain gi ramai2 plak, tinggal sekerat dua je mcm mane la jadinya...sure down gila rase ketinggalan..after benda2 yg jd this year, going there wud be some kind of motivation.. kononnye lah.

Kecemburuan pada org2 yg selalu dpt peluang pegi mmg menguji iman dan kesabaran..aku tau rezeki masing2. Ade sebabnye semua ni...tp still down. Keja dah 7 tahun pon, payah sgt nak ke mana2.

Kena buat sthg abt this...berazam nak book ticket pergi sana bila ade duit extra, kalu air asia promo sket ke, lg ok dpt murah sket.
dpt gi tokyo ngan kampung gunma cukupla, makan abes semua benda yg teringin n visit tpt2 natsukashii.

Owh..rindu ni plak spesifik pada nihon yg sejuk - antara sekarang hingga sebelum summer...
maknenye kalu nak beli tiket paling lambat pon utk pegi bln 5-6 gitu..Walaupon time tu kompem la xde salji dah.
lps2 tu dah start panas n x best...

I miss nihon really. N this sucks giler.
Kan best kalau duit byk anytime boleh pegi.

8:25 PM

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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Bento!

2nd day bringing bento@bekal to work. Not bad.
just gotta stock on more fruits n vegy@ulam i can include in my bekal..cos there's no way i can spend extra time preparing vegy dish in the morning.

Save jugak mcm ni.

7:52 AM

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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Muak.

Its a little complicated when i'm so out of place i cant get along with the conversations anymore.
and as usual i'm dying to snap and be sarcastic about it..but like they say, some things once u've said them, there's no turning back.

So bersabar jelah dgn mereka2..mmg x terusik pon diri ni. Just get used to it. Buat je la mcm diri ni x wujud like i always do.
layan kan je la kepoyoan, biarla samdol2 dgn labu2 mereka sampai muak sendiri.

9:43 PM

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Out of the zone.

I used to devote my time and life for work cos i felt that was the only thing that i cud get satisfaction in, the only thing that pays me back good results if i do it right, when in all other aspects of life i dont even know whats right or wrong. In all other aspects i dont get them even when i set my target and work for it..i guess, maybe it takes longer for the other stuffs to work out in my case.

So when even work fails me, i was heartbroken. For me it was a personal failure, as if i hadnt failed enough elsewhere..it brought me so down i started to hate myself along with everyone else around.
and so much sadness n hatred is only making it worse for me.

But the worst has passed..i've cried so much the past 2-3 weeks i feel so dry and heartless.
I am cynical most of the time now and i dont have the thought of being nice to people anymore..I get annoyed easily especially by people who talk so much.
I try not to hurt, but i will not please people, esp. at work. They stopped deserving my good thoughts when they failed to be fair to me.

So i am trying to get out of the zone. I am trying to care less about work, find something more exciting to feel good about and maybe one day be proud of myself, not because of my work but because of who i am and what i do.

10:22 AM

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弁当 for breakfast & lunch!

Malam tadi masak beras jepun makan with grilled salmon..alang2 masak nasik tu takkan nak masak setgh pot? So masakla one big cup, rupa2nya muai la beras jepun ni compare ngan beras panjang.
lgpon malam td bila makan portion sket je dah kenyang ..so extra pagi ni buat onigiti, filling nya letak shredded salmon purposely made one extra.

Kat nihon dulu leh kata hari2 mesti ade makan onigiri, so x penah wat sendiri. Ni first time so br tau susah rupanye nak dpt share 3 segi tuh.
last2 satu je 3 segi  lg 3 tu bulat dan lonjong je.

Memula ingat nak wat bekpes je, tp dpt 4 ketul plak..mau ke lunch la ni.
Berkira-kira nak bawak bento je la..tgk mibggu ni camne berjaya x.
skrg ni balik keja awal, suka je masak sendiri. Tp selalu termasak extra, housemate pon jarang nak join makan sekali eventho kalu masak mesti aku wat utk 2 org nye portion..or more.
So secara ekonomi nye, praktikal gak kalu bawak bekal bila masak malam sebelumnye..
Penah terfikir sblm ni..tp sbb mcm lunchtime tu seronok nak kuar makan lepak2 sembang2.

Tp skrg ni kuar pon selalu xde idea..asyik tpt yg sama. Nak gi jauh sket x sempat kononnyr.
Pastu ade yg hari2 tanye nak gi makan cafe ke?
mcm hint dah tanak gang lunch je..dari gi cafe, baik bawak bekal je. Lg sedap.


9:10 AM

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Rindu kampung jepun!

Huhh...smlm mimpi main salji, hr ni plak mimpi gi tgk koyou. Hampeh tol....mmg betul mainan tidur.

mlm td siap masak nasik beras jepun lagi...rm10+ utk 1kg je tu, jgn skali masak je sudah.
sedikit kecewa x jumpe miso paste kat tesco..kena gi jusco ke carik.
Tp puas hati jugak dinner smlm..japanese rice ngan seaweed n salmon bata yaki. Pastu sup sayur jek. 20 menet je masak sumer setel.
seyes rindu nihon...

Dpt bonus nanti nak je beli je tiket gi thn dpn..nak gi time sejuk, tp kalu gi awal2 tahun nanyi  cuti lom byk kumpul n mmg bajet harap bonus jeklaah..kalau gi lambat2 sket, kena tunggu next year nye time2 mcm ni maknenye lambat la plak lagi tp sempat kumpul cuti dan duet!

6:46 AM

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Monday, November 19, 2012

End of the weekend.

Back from the trip to tanah aina eco resort, bentong.
ingat nak terus semangat edit n upload gamba, but too tired terus pengsan dr pkl 6 sampai laaa dkt midnight, dgn badan yg sedikit sakit2, muscle tekejut tetiba kot akibat byk berhiking turun naik bukit dalam masa sehari tu.
Dah malam n too tired to do anything anyway..lapa pon malas nak layan dah, missing the time in tanah where food was all taken care of - and good food!
Esok isnin la tapi...back to work yg x best.

I had a talk with myself sambil berendam dlm sungai pagi tadi abt work n life. I'll wait n see what happens untill december ends. If it doesnt show anymore interesting progress than now, i'll take that as a cue to leave.
If i cant get work satisfaction, i might as well go for money, somewhere else, cos i'm not getting enuff of that here either.

12:42 AM

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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Durian crepe!

Its durian season again! And this time around durian crepe is the talk of town.

Been drooling over photos of them posted on fb, blogs etc.
So googled a bit, and found a couple recipies i'm confident enuff to try.

I need my peace of mind before the weekend so tried it tonight - making those thin crepe skins is difficult! Susah! Ended up with a bunch not so nice ones..ended up with only 3 pcs thats good enuff to use. Yg lain masuk mulut panas2 haha.

The verdict of the so femes durian crepes?
AWESOME!

Notes: filled the crepes with fresh durian flesh & freshly made pastry creme..x mainla pukul whip cream jek  :p


1:42 AM

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Friday, November 16, 2012

Eat like there's no tomorrow...


hr ni some new development at work opens up new possibility and opportunities..tp upset giler ngan org yg ade peluang tp xnak appreciate, bising2 kat belakang, dpn boss sengih2..org mcm ni la yg selalu dpt chance so dah x heran..sumer kira duit je..

Stress menjadi org yg selalu senyap dan di balik tabir..selalu mcm invisible jek. Mmg aku jarang speak up. Takut speak up membawa padah.
tapi sabar pon ade gak had dia..
takpe, selagi bleh sabar jelah.

Kalau di komen kang kata kita emo, x sporting.
hishhh.

Benda camni, awal2 takde lagi bagus..bila ade, pastu x dapat, komfem down.

Stress menyebabkan aku makan mcm takde esok.
mee hun aup diikuti nasik lemak malam ni. Pastu dah tgh malam siap buat lempeng durian ngan nescafe o panas se mug besar.
Amek kau.
Yg penting x kacau org.


12:04 AM

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Thursday, November 15, 2012

Good morning!


7:47 AM

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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Harapan Hijrah.

Berubah untuk lebih baik rohani dan jasmani. Sayangi diri, keluarga dan org2 yg rapat disekeliling.
Hargai apa yang ada depan mata, berhenti mengharapkan yang tiada.
Berhenti mengharapkan approval daripada manusia, usahakan untuk approval Allah.
banyakkan belajar ilmu dunia dan akhirat, banyakkan membaca buku dan Al-Quran.
Improve pemakaian agar lebih muslimah, kurangkan gelak lebihkan senyum.
kurangkan makanan yg memudaratkan, sleep well, ambil berat soal kesihatan dan lebihkan exercise.
kurangkan bercakap, lebihkan mendengar.
kurangkan complaining, lebihaan redha dan syukur.
Kurangkan berangan, lebihkan beramal.

Kurangkan berkerja, lebihkan beribadat, bermain dan berjalan melihat dunia.

Mudah2an tahun baru ini membawa diri yang lebih baik dan bahagia.

11:40 PM

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Back to square one.

Dlm 5 bulan lepas agak desperate jugak utk kerja baru, almost at one point tu rasenye ape keja dpt pon even if gaji lagi kecik aku akan amek.

And then by the time aku dpt offer kerja plak, sbb keadaan dah not so worse aku reject offer tu, or sebenarnye x nego lagi betul2 eventho kerja tu ade good prospect. Justifikasi waktu tu, offer kurang berbaloi.
padahal kalau aku dpt offer tu 2 bulan sebelum tu  komfem akan terima je dgn lega.

Skrg menyesal pon x guna, as usual papepon keputusan 100% keputusan sendiri...lessons learned at least.
Next time surely xnak bising2, komfem terus proceed.
and next time kena betul2 judge whether berbaloi atau tak..not just based on gaji saja.

In fact now as i see it, whats more important than whether its worth it to go, is whether its worth it to stay?

Target skrg nak tunggu bonus je yg aku yakin aku deserve..that at least is what i deserve after working hard this year. Trying hard to acept that i may be getting less than i shud, at least dpt lah jugak anyway. Kalau resign hr tu langsung x dpt kot. So maybe ini hikmahnye.

Sementara tu dah updated resume again with jobstreet after the last time 6 months ago, and mula mengintai ngintai peluang lagi, mana tahu ada rezeki lain yg lebih baik tahun dpn (after bonus this yr...)
Dah kecik hati amat sangat dah ngan kerja skrg, diorg xnak appreciate takpela, baik cari tempat yang nak. At least tempat yg xde polisi2 bodoh dan pelik.
After what happened, sorry to say the company doesnt deserve my hardwork anymore.
Might as well kerja mcm org lain, daripada kerja hempas pulas sampai stress dan sakit. Bukan ade org heran pon.

Susah nak jumpe opening yang relevant tapi insyaAllah, apply seratus takkanla satu x kena kan?

Cptla akhir december..cepat2 bleh bebas.

9:25 PM

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Running for life.

Baing dissapointed about work sucks, even worse when i cant channel the stress and anger anywhere else.

I need to find sthg new to do, sthg new to focus, sthg new to work on.
I do things with passion, so for once how about a little passion for myself.

And not just for now, but in a long 'run'.
Aha?!!

I have a pair of good (expensive!)running shoes, so why not?
Run!

I've been wanting to run but kept saying my knee hurts. Maybe it will just in the beginning. As long as i be careful, and know how to not overdo it, think i'll be fine.
Maybe running will even make my knee better.
so i gotta just do it.
Found a few sites thats good as references...and decided to start right away.

Did my first one today. Just a 3km walk, for week 1.
After that i will set a few interval of few minutes of running that will increase over the first..say maybe 6 weeks.

Target to be able to run 30 minutes straight by end of december, then i will run based on distance, starting with 5km and so on.

Anyway, felt good abt today's walk.
my phone went out of battery so i failed to time it, but it was definetely 3km (maybe more), i marked the route before, the last time i planned to run but never did.

Who knows i might be running marathons next year?

P/ s: hope to loose a few pounds along the way too..since dieting dont seem to work.

8:04 PM

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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Matlamat dan impian.

Sama mcm kebanyakan orang lain, aku ada banyak matlamat dalam hidup..
walaupun matlamat akhirnya adalah mati, aku tetap wajib hidup
sudah tentu ada sebabnya manusia dijadikan untuk hidup sebelum mati..

Dan seperti juga yg lain, matlamat dan impian  hidup aku bukanla terlalu istimewa atau hebat,
Semuanya perkara biasa yg sama dengan kebanyakan orang lain.

Aku tak mengharapkan pekerjaan hebat sebagai CEO some big company, cukup pekerjaan yang memberi aku tanggungjawab dan kepuasan yang setimpal, dan kerana aku ini perlu hidup dalam dunia yang serba mahal dan mencabar, cukup andai pekerjaan itu memenuhi keperluan material.

Aku tak mgharapkan rumah besar ala banglo bak dalam drama2 melayu yang tak masuk akal, cukup rumah sederhana yang selesa yang di dalamnya ada sebuah keluarga di mana aku adalah isteri dan ibu.
Rumah yang bukan sekadar binaan tiang dan lantai, tapi rumah yang aku panggil 'home' instead of 'house'.

Aku tak mengharapkan suami yang perfect handsome, bijak, kaya dan romantik!
cukuplah suami yg bisa menjadi teman suka dan duka, suami yang menjadi guru dan pendengar setia, suami yang menjadi sahabat sama-sama belajar ilmu dunia dan akhirat. Suami yang penyayang, setia dan bertanggungjawab. Suami yang sama-sama merealisasikan impian rumahku dia dunia dan syurgaku di akhirat.

Aku tak mengharapkan anak2 genius yang luar biasa umpama adi putra.
Kala ini seorang anak pon mungkin cukup, anak yang akan kutatang minyak yang penuh. Anak yang sempurna sifat dan akalnya, mendengar kata dan bertanggunjawab sifatnya. Anak sebagai memenuhi nurani aku seorang manusia dan perempuan...

Aku tak mengharapkan keluargaku kaya raya terkenal. Cukup keluargaku bahagia dan sihat sentiasa.
Aku bersyukur kala ini masih punya ibu dan ayah.
Aku sedar matlamat hidup aku yang masih belum sempurna, menyenangkan dan membahagiakan mereka lebih daripada seadanya, walau aku tahu bukan itu keinginan mereka.
Ampunkan aku wahai ibu dan ayah.
Anak ini bukan anak yang sempurna...

Dalam ketidaksempurnaan, impian-impian ku masih jauh tercicir..
banyak yang uncertain, dan aku umpama berlawan dengan masa.
mungkin kerana banyak yang aku tak pasti akhirnya, aku begitu lemah melawan dugaan dunia.
The last 10 years, hidupku yang pasti hanya belajar dan kerja.
aku penuhi tanggunjawab belajar dengan baik walau bukan terbaik.
Kemuadian aku dambakan masa dan tenaga untuk kerja.
bukan, lebih dari itu.
aku berikan jiwa dan raga.

Seringkali aku merasa tercicir daripada sahabat2..yang seorang demi seorang maju dalam hidup, membina impian dan kenangan.impian yang tak jauh bezanya daripada impian2 ku tadi..
Aku tanya diri apa yg membezakan aku dan mereka? Apa yang mereka buat dan aku tidak?
Apa yang mereka ada dan aku tidak?
apa yang mereka lihat dan aku buta?
Mudah menjadi rendah diri, walau di luar aku nampak gagah.

Dalam mencari jodoh, bukan aku tak usaha seperti kata orang, jodoh walau sudah ada takdirnya, tak datang bergolek
doa dan tawakal tak pernah putus.
Pada suatu masa memang aku pernah berusaha, pernah keluar daripada kepompong diri sendiri yang biasanya pemalu dan penyegan.
tapi aku sedar usahaku mungkin tak sempurna, usahaku mungkin tak seperti yang dituntut.
Jadi pada masa ini aku berhenti. Berhenti menyukai dan memerhati manusia bernama lelaki.
biar suatu hari ia datang sendiri.
bukan berputus asa..tapi berserah dan redha pada ketentuan Ilahi. Usahaku hanya untuk menjadi insan yang lebih baik di sisi agama dan keluarga.
mungkin itu ubatnya.

Tapi aku lemah  aku sentiasa takut dengan kemungkinan dan masa.
aku tidak sabar menanti sampai masa semuanya..aku takut akat tamat tempoh masa ku di sini..
Aku lemah bila aku kesusahan, aku lemah bila aku jatuh.
aku biasa sendiri tapi hakikatnya aku takut sendiri..

Ada masa aku pernah menenangkan hati, biarlah kalau aku tak punya apa2, usahalah pada yang ada di depan mata. Mungkin sebab itu aku bekerja unpama itulah dunia. Aku bekerja jiwa dan raga. Sekurang kurangnya andai aku ditakdirkan tak punya anak dan suami, kerja itu jadi teman hidup. Aku jadikan tokoh2 wanita yg hebat dalam kerjaya mereka sumber inspirasi. Biar hidup sendiri, mereka bebas dengan material dan masa. Ada duit semua jadi bak kata manusia.
boleh aku bawa emak dan abah serata dunia, mereka lah peneman setia.
tapi sempatkah aku?

Hakikatnya aku sedih dan kecewa yang amat sangat setiap kali cabaran kerja datang. Macam yg sedang aku alami sekarang.
Aku geram melihat orang lain ke sana sini bergelak ketawa, sedang aku rasa aku lebih bertungkus lumus bekerja tapi tak ke mana2. Aku geram melalui hari hari kerja umpama baru setahun dua..
aku geram dengan boss yang coward tak punya kuasa menegakkan yang  dik dan hak tapi ada hati mengharap aku bekerja macam pekerja contoh.
aku penat menyimpan kecewa, hakikatnya bukan mudah membuat orang lain faham dengan keadaan. Mudah kalau aku jenis yang tak peduli. Tapi aku manusia yg passionate. I do things passionately. Even work.
Sebab itulah antara satu matlamat hidup aku yang sedang on going.
Sedang matlamat yang lain aku langsung tidak pasti.
setiap hari aku berazam untuk menjadi lebih baik, setiap tahun aku berangan dan berdoa semoga tahun itu menjadi lebih bahagia buat aku.
Setiap akhir tahun aku membayangkan insyaAllah tahun dpn aku akan bertemu seseorang dan hidup akan berubah. Aku sentiasa berazam memperkukuhkan kewanganku agar andai bertemu orangnya aku tak akan menyusahkan emak abah dan keluarga. Agar aku tak perlu mengumpul masa pula..
Aku membayangkan dalam rutin kehidupan yang predictable, dalam aku hari2 berjumpa orang yang sama saja, akan datang satu hari aku ditemukan dengan seseorang, mungkin di kedai kopi, mungkin ketika bertravel, mungkin ketika shopping groceries..
aku membayangkan ketika ini ada seorg hamba Allah yang juga sedang mencari cari...
aku membayangkan seseorang yang seperti aku tidak mahu bercinta di luar nikah, tapi biar terus bercinta yang halal.

seperti kata Prof.Dr Muhaya, dalam berjuta manusia, kita mencari seorang sahaja. Kebetulan itu hampir mustahil. Semestinya seorang itu adalah sangat spesifik dan customized untuk kita. Dan kuasa Allah lah yang ultimate dalam urusan itu.

Aku sedar walau aku bukan mengharapkan seorang ustaz, aku wajib mengharapkan seorang imam. Bukan imam di masjid, cukup imam di rumah. Dan orang yg biasa menjadi imam, walau tidak mengharapkan ustazah, pasti mencari yang biasa menjadi makmumah.

Cuba berfikir positif dan membuang rasa rendah diri, aku cuba yakin bahawa Allah sedang memberi aku masa dan ruang untuk memperbaiki diri, membersihkan hati.
Supaya aku bertemu dengan seorang yg juga lebih baik daripada mereka yang aku temui sebelum ini.

Menangis antara cara aku melepaskan kecewa. Walau kadang kadang aku penat dan sakit dada melayannya.
tapi aku menangis kerana itu lebih mudah daripada mengeluarkan kata kata dan membuatkan orang lain mengerti.
Aku menangis mengumpul kekuatan menepis rasa rendah diri dan berazam untuk jadi lebih bahagia.

seperti kata seorang teman, biarkan kekecewaan ini berlalu dengan masa, semoga hikmahnya nanti lebih manis dan membahagiakan.

11:46 AM

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Monday, November 12, 2012

Pantang.


Pantang betul kalau org tegur pasal makan..esp. tegur byk makan ke ape padahal aku br nak makan, apatah lg mmg betul2 tgh lapa..
time tu jugak selera tersekat. Naik malas nak cakap org mcm ni. Dahla mmg tgh stress.

Tambah lagi perut tgh angin, cramp, air minum plak xde kat opis..
Terus tersadai je hasil tapauan tghari td tanpa sebarang nafsu nak makan dah.

Pantang, mmg pantang.

3:41 PM

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Monday blues.

Kerja tu tanggungjawab, so wajib ikhlas barulah jadi ibadah.

So i'm trying very hard not to care about the injustice i'm facing and work like i'm happy about it.
It's just hard to not to care cos i normally do too much.
The hardest thing to overcome is the disappointment of being underappreciated and the lack of movement and prospect.
Although leaving is an option, its not sthg that could happen immediately pon..bosan tau bosan.

Tensen camni, lg org buat baik lg rase cam nak nangis. Lg org buat hal lagi rase cam nak lempang.
Ckp pon rase mcm nak sarkastik je, last2 baek fiam.

1:59 PM

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Saturday, November 10, 2012

Keja.

Dlm tensen2 dan sedih pasal issue appraisal dlm seminggu dua ni...jumaat pagi dpt call. Tp tgh meeting so x angkat.
No tu pernah save as "job it japan".
huh..ni mesti one of the jobs penah apply dulu2.
Perfect timing betul!

Mmg nak cr keja lain pon.
give up dah nak stay.
Hari tu ingat bleh start over.
tp kalau camni gaya x payah lah. Sampai bila pon mcm tu jugak.
Eventho dah berazam tanak m.c from now on, mane nak tau ape nak jd. Buat sakit jiwa jek kalau everytime nak mcm ni.

Lgpon skrg dah jd mcm junior balik..junior dlm grp, papehal peluang ape pon x dpt. Nak gi mane2 pon tunggula balik tah berape tahun.
Alang2 nak jadik rookie, tak kisahla kat tempat baru pon ok..tunggu bonus eelah pape hal pon.
even tho sah2 bonus sikit je la. 'X perform' la katekan.

Masalahnye, nak cr tpt baru yg at least gaji & benefits sama cam skrg tu agak mencabar gakla.

Pasal keja ke jobscope ke tak kisah sgt dah, yg penting ada keja.

11:52 PM

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Sleepover

Sleeping over at bestie's family's place in sg buloh, tp bestie xde pon hehe..more like sleepover umah family angkat ekceli.
Sempena adik angkat yg bongsu balik from school sebelum next spm paper.
Lepak makan sambil tgk movies tah ape2 on tv like old times. Dah dkt midnight ni ade plak mubi seram. Layan la jugak.kalau kat umah sorg kompem x berani!
Much nicer than spending the weekend alone :p

Esok appointment spa at noon, finally after berbulan delay nak pegi x pegi. Padahal ade 9x lagi kalau ikut pakej.
ptg2 sket kalu sempat balik ke rawang nak gi ulu yam cari sungai sementara ade lg filters pinjam, leh test shoot air sungai ke ape2lah.

11:31 PM

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Invitation for one.

Pernah tak pergi kenduri tp tak masuk pon kenduri, instead u turn balik, fearing to end up eating alone at the table?

Doing just that.
Sebak seyes, the kenduri was right around the corner. Kalau awal lg maybe will just masuk sbb most probably akan ade org dikenali. Tp since dah lebih peak hr ni, rase segan. Kompem meja dah kosong2. Lainla kenduri kat kampung pkl 4 pon meriah lg.
Kedai kopi stabak bleyla dok sorg2.

Mmg memula cam mls sbb xde janji yg komfem ngan sesape..tp jemputan tu wajib dipenuhi so made the effort anyway, esp.sbb dua2 pengantin tu kenal. tp kalah dgn perasaan sendiri.
Bodoh giler.bazir je minyak, tol, masa dan tenaga. Bodo still nak harapkan org lagi..x ckp independant emotionally.
biler la nak betul2 bebas dari emosi diri sendiri.

Now nak cr stabak lepak sambil layan salted caramel frapp and choc chip muffin.

3:15 PM

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Friday, November 9, 2012

Space or location?

I've started looking around for 'myhome' prospect.
Tgk harga sume rumah seyes rase malas beli pon ade...bukan, mmg sgt malas.
nak je hidup carefree camni sampai bila2,
honestly lg mudah hidup xyah nak high ambitious sgt dunia2 ni..asal hidup aman damai dan selamat. Idealnya kalau mcm tu.
Kalau kawen nanti bebila sama ade suami yg beli atau bley sharing - lebih mampu n flexible kot.

Tapi itu KALAU kawen.
bukan tak yakin, tapi cuma berfikiran terbuka dan real.

Bila fikir the other possibility plak, myhome tu pentingla plak utk future stability.
rumah plak makin lama makin mahal. Konon tunggu gaji lg besar entah bilanya.
So terpaksela fikir beli skrg mane2 mampu jek kot..
Sebenarnye concern long term nak bayar bulan2 tu je...since sorg, kalu pape jd financially ke kat keja ke, leceh jugak.
bukan mcm barang2 cikai senang2 nak letgo.

Ao..usya jelah. Usya.
Biler nak amek step tu tatau lagi. Maybe next year. Clearkan commitment lain yg remeh temeh.
Kononnye increament thn ni leh la up sket, senang sket loan kononnye..tp tatau la increament mcm serupa xde je.

Criteria yg dicarik...
1- lokasi bukan hardcore traffic jam macam shah alam, federal hway, jln kuching, belah2 mrr2 etc.
2 - dekat atau easy access to hway, senang nak masuk hway balik kampung or jln2.
3 - good resale or rent out value. Since aku nye condition very flexible and uncertain in terms of relocating,  important jugak rumah tu nanti kalau kena rent out ke, bleh cover loan bulan2.
4 - at the same time mesti rumah yg aku suka bukan tangkap muat, beli utk duduk sendiri, rent out kalau tpakse je. Lps beli first home, kecuali tetiba income jd double dr skrg, rasenye 2nd home tu agak jauuuuuh sgt kehadapan.
Unless aku adopt not so 'relax' ambition lah. Hmm..rumah byk2 pon kat dunia, last nanti masuk 'rumah' satu tu jugak. Bleh tak gikir mcm tu?
So gotta get the right one the first time.

5 - size xnak besar sgt, besar2 pon kalau 'kosong' kang lg terasa sunyi, leceh nak mengemas, waste of power etc2.
Lgpon, mmg x mampu rumah besoor.

6 - kalau bleh dkt dgn malls. Senang nak gi lepak ujung minggu kat tpt2 yg aku suka lepak - bookshops, stabak etc. Lepak kat kedai mamak nanti kena stare dek org2 jakun x penah tgk org lepak sorg2.

Owh ekceli sebelum no.1 tu ade lg yg penting...rumah tu biarla baru. Sbb yg sama mcm no.4, do it right the first time.

Hmm memilih!
Mane nak dapat?..kompem x dapat.
Dgn resources kewangan yg biase2 aje ni, i'll be lucky to get half of these criteria met.

Hr tu usya2, excited jumpe satu kondo type, dekaaaaat sgt dgn playground tu the curve, bleh jln kaki je.
Tgk harga mcm double story terrace kat belah2 rawang utk type yg paliiiiing kecik.feww...tp ade bumi discount katanye. Tu pon x pasti la mampu ke x laa ekceli.
TAPI...a big TAPI.
studio type lerr.....very kecik! Dah nama pon studio. Besar living room jelah!
mampu ke nak hidup cam  zaman belajar dulu? Dok umah sekangkang kera?

Lokasi mmg cun, jimat minyak wiken2 lepak stabak ngan borders leh jln kaki je. Cam best je. Ala2 duduk tokyo or new york. berangan mmg best!
Situ nanti ade mrt gak, so public transport pon ok, nak masuk penchala pon dkt senang nak ngala ke selatan.
Cuma...kalu maintain keja p2, jauh gak nak travel. Traffic ok but duit minyak leh tahan gak tu rasenye.
Owh dan yg penting..sewa situ rasenye tinggi, so good for the future kalau relocate.

Kalau 'carefree' thinking, mcm bley konsider. Tp biler start fikir praktikaliti, space, berbaloi ke tak...menyampah je rasenye. Ade ke org nak duduk tunah besar tu?
Kalu famili dtg xde tpt nak tido kot..

Sebelum menyampah jd stress, rehatkan dulu thoughts tu.
Buka mata dan hati lg pandang sekeliling..
worst case, aku x kisah pon xde umah lg wat masa ni..amek masa setahun dua lg pon takpe.
end up beli or buat rumah kat kampung pon ok.

Nothing to rush.

12:48 PM

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Anak berapa?

Smlm lepak2 kat kedai mamak dpn kilang ni haa..ade member teringin roti telur, so temankan la makan sambil diri sendiri layan tosai. Capati takde plak....'terbang balik kampung' katanya~
??!

Elok plak duduk meja sebelah tu sorg mamat ni, senior kat uni dulu. Mmg dia antara 3 org kami ex-gundai yg masih setia. Haha.
tp kira dia lg lama la kan.
zaman uni dulu gang mengarut gak tu, tp balik sini wat hal masing2 la. Jarang jumpe pon so tatau sgt update masing2..

Sempat sembang sat before balik..sembangkan kawan satu batch yg kawen ngan sorg senior - yg skrg satu family kat nihon wat phd. Baru2 ni selamat wat haji pergi dr nihon. Seronok betul. Bwk anak2 plak tu.

Selalu dgr org merungut ade anak kecik susah nak berjalan..tp diorg ni mmg antara sumber inspirasi. Antara couple yg buktikan sebenarnye boleh je, nak ke taknak je. Aku imagine sure x senang, tp sure best ade memori berjalan ngan anak2 tu waktu diorg kecik.
ini lagilah, bukan jln suka2 je, pergi Mekah lagi tu..dgr citer bergilir-gilir demam budak2 tu, tp Alhamdulillah semuanya selamat.
Ape kaba la umar kun yg comel n bijak (*kecik2 dulu panggil aunty, kakak tuu hehe*) adiknye hasya (*last jumpe waktu baby lg *).
mesti comei kalu umar kun siap pakai ihram! Muka jawa mix kelate, speaking jepun!

Anyway..back to senior td, sembang2 pastu last2 dia tanye plak "eh farah anak bape dah?"

Zass. Sungguh konfiden mamat ni. Bukan tanye dah kawen ke belum..tanye anak bape terusssssss..

Mixed feelings antara kelakar dan sadis.

Sama ade aku ade gaya dan sifat keibuan?
Atau fizikal mcm mak2 orang dah?

denggggg.
Biler nak diet ni!
Tp nak diet keNa keazaman tinggi utk diri sendiri.
kalau sbb org lain, mmg x jadik.
X berbaloi.

11:37 AM

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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

...?

baitulmuslim.com | cari jodoh dan keluarga muslim

Somebody p.med me this on f.b.
with good intentions, i'm sure...
But still..sampi gitu skali?

1:58 PM

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Bahagia dan membahagiaaan.

Jadikan Allah dan rasul sebagai kekasih.
InsyaAllah bahagia.
Berkhidmat utk ibu bapa dan keluarga.
Pedulikan masyarakan yg menghukum.
InsyaAllah bahagia dan membahagiakan.

Jadikan diri dan hati sebagai 'customized boutique'.
Tepat dan spesifik.

11:00 AM

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Talk by prof.dr muhaya : reset, celik minda untuk mendapat jodoh.

Bermuhasabah dan berdoa.
Yang baik untuk baik - rezeki, jodoh, teman, iman & taqwa.

Mencari yg baik dengan menjadi yg baik.
Bermuhajadah. Untuk syurga Allah.

Disiplin untuk keutamaan, bertindak untuk mencapai target yang baik. Niat dan hajat menentukan perlakuan.

Doa yg spesifik, bukan hanya seadanya.

Jelas niat dan hajat, positif dalam perlakuan, dekatkan diri dengan Allah.
Menjadi magnet yg menarik supaya yg dihajati itu datang, bukan mengejar.
Kejar bukan mengejar.

Yakin pada Allah, yakin pada diri.
Takut pada Allah, bukan pada manusia dan keadaan.

Bertanggungjawab, yakin dan berilmu.

Akhirnya, jika bukan rezeki yg ditentukan di dunia, insyaAllah rezeki ada di syurga.

10:32 AM

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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Karma

Hari yg sgt down..smlm bila masuk keja tu dah start rase, maybe it will be ok afterall.
Tp by tghari tu sumer jd messy.

Mmg dah terbiase letak high expectation pada urusan keja, so bila gagal sgt down nye rase.
walaupon in some way maybe aku mangsa polisi bodoh kompeni, tp tetap terasa gagal.
rase bodoh dan useless.
Duit ke ape ke secondary, tp reputasi kalau jatuh, sampai biler pon terpalit.

What upsets me so much is, reviews baik tp sangkut for the sake of of some stupid policy, the damn hr policy. Rezeki tahun ni byk sakit n m.c..even so ekceli xdela byk sgt. 8 days including insiden injured lutut and viral fever.
fikir mcm mane pon, sgt rase mcm teraniaya.
padahal dulu sakit lutut dengkot2 lg pon dah dtg keja, mc dua hari je. Sedangkan ligament tear mmcm tu biase org cuti berminggu minggu.

Paling ralat it happens in the year that i really have worked hard. Terbayang-bayang je struggle keja sampai 3-4 pagi, makan minum x tentu. Kesihatan pon x jaga sgt.

Baik lagi kalau boss bagi je bad reviews kata keja aku sucks. Kurang sakit hati drpd skrg ni.kalau ikut rebel, nak je terus gi terjah big boss or hr. Tp sejarah org2 terdahulu tau sgt benda tu takkan bawak pape kebaikan pon...lg menyusahkan diri ade.

For now, i cant and wont say much, but doesnt mean i agree. Whoever yg buat decision tu pada bahu dia bukan saje ade kuasa tapi jugak tanggunjawab. Kalau hak aku yg dia violate, dia tanggung dan dia jawab la kemufian hari nanti.
insyaAllah akan sampai masanya.

10:16 PM

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Travelling mode.

Travelling mode on nampaknye.

17th-18th nov: tanah aina farrah soraya, raub - back to nature trip & quick getaway.
24th nov: perlis+penang - colleague's wedding+jjcm? Balik hari je kalau jd pon.
15th-17th dec: perlis+langkawi - friend's wedding&sightseeing&photography.

...dahla bulan 12 kena renew toadtax+insurans. Pokai2.

In the end nak travel ni ikut peluang yg ade je..Yg dah komfem ni mostly x plan...
Somehow the problem is bila depend kat org, tempat yg kita nak pegi tu la susah nak pegi.kena kurangkan dependant pada others, and lebihkan gamble and bantai je nak gi mane pon. Kalau ikut or tunggu org, ikut naseb je lah.

So eventho dah byk kali rase mcm ni tp x jd2, kali ni seyes. Next time ade a.asia promo n ckp bajet utk beli tiket je, nak terus book ke siem reap. Byk tpt nak pegi but i shud clear one by one.
Maybe for awal tahun travel. Bln 6 dah kompem semporna-mabul.
Next maybe hanoi-h.c.m, vientiane, yangon..or mane2 thailand or indonesia destinations.

2-3 thn lagi smday insyaAllah  kalau dah setel beli rumah sumer, nak target jauh plak - europe, india, petra jordan etc..

Satu je tak best msia ni public transport x fully leh pakai sgt..ade tpt still x seswai nak naik public utk pegi long distant.
Then tpt2 yg reachable by public plak, once dah reached tu, local nye public transport plak x bp convenient - car rental etc. X mcm jepun. Gi mane pon ade toyota rentaka~
naik train pon selamba jek dulu layan gunma - osaka pakai normal train. Dkt setgh hari br sampai sampai naik kematu duduk lam train!

Sini ade la jugak tp kurang, dan biler ade tu mahai. Ape lah lg kalau nak tong sorg2 je bayo bill nye.

12:20 PM

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

Weak & stupid.

Its the apraisal season...
It wasnt a good year. Had my worst time at work the first half, stressed out to the max, but even then i still gave my best commitment. Some days i worked almost 18 hours a day, feeling like an overworked machine - risking my health, my safety and my sanity staying back at work for as late as 4am, an getting up for the next round of work at 6.30am the latest. At times i thought, ok luckily i'm not married or hv any kids. No way i cud have pulled that off. Maybe thats why i'm not married yet. Maybe.
One friend asked me one time, " siapa suruh?" 'Kalau tak buat ape dia bleh buat?"
and there was no easy answer. Nobody asked me directly to do it, but when u're overload and so left behind it was the only that i xan do, esp. when i failed at negotiating the job load an just too scared to argue. So for me it was my last resort. I was tired physically and mentally, had not enuff sleep let alone rest. I was so sick of my room and my life cos everything's just so messy when i barely have time to take care of basic daily cleaning and stuff. One hour at home at that time too precious to be spending on washing laundry or cleaning the room@toilet@house etc. I wud rather sleep.
I had no time to eat properly let alone go out with friends.
i got sick more often that i used to the past years?
But who to blame? Rezeki sihat dan sakit tu pon bukan kah ditentukan Allah?
but secara logik, when u're not sleeping and resting well, getting sick was one of the body's ways of telling us to stop.

Ikhlas atau tak? Honestly i dont know. I dont know if even 'ikhlas' can push a normal person to work to that extend. All i wanted was getting the job done. I know i am paid to do my work, but i dont know if the company deserves to have ppl working for it like that.
So no, i didnt do it for the company or for the boss. I did it for myself.
Records and reputations ar  important for me. Also for my own satisfaction. I dont know if it makes me a bad person for expecting my wotk to be evaluated fairly by those ppl concerned.

Finally that really bad hectic time was over, and i got a lucky escape. Although i gotta learn new things now i'm glad that i'm not stucked to the evill boss anymore, leaving me more space to be normal and confident again.
Feel like a rookie again sometimes but its ok, as long as i am back on track.

I turned down the 3 job offers along the way -2 from jb, and the last one in melaka that i honestly had some hopes on. But i turned it down, the big decision making point being the offer wasnt as good as i wanted, and also thinking of giving myself and this company another chance. Almost hoping things will get better.

After all that i've done, i certainly didnt expect a round of applause, not an outstanding performance review or whatever. I was just expecting something decent and average. Afterall i work the things that i'm supposed to do.
i work!

But the company is unfortunately full of corrupted stupid minded people. Managed by them actually. Stupid and childish policies were their specialities, only i was never the victim cos i never stood out.

But this time around..last friday, i had the appraisal review with my new boss. Everything was smooth and well. Positive reviews. Nothing gives you more satisfaction than hearing that from your boss. I was relieved....but too soon.
At the end of it, he reluctantly shared this info, that the management is still short of one scapegoat for a stupid hr policy fot some quota on how they grade us. One person from our group was already a victim because of a month long m.c.
but when the management pressures for another one, he tood his opinion that no one else deserves it.
But unluckily, since there was no obvious suspects in their eyes, they decides to flip the coin by looking at the total m.c.
And guess who was 2nd?
i took 2 days m.c for my lutut injury, then 3 days for viral fever. Plus a couple of demam and sakif perut in between totalling up to 8 days since last october.
owh unlucky me.
When there are ppl who actually just go home and sleep when they're not feeling well, come back a few hours before office hours finish to clock out.
When they're ppl who are in the office all day but lazy around chit chatting the whole day.
So does it make me a bad person to think that its not fair?
does it make me an ungrateful person for this outcome?
does it mean that i'm not 'ikhlas' enough doing my work?
Is it bad that i think the bosses are cowards for not being able to point out the people who really are not doing their work, instead sorting to a figure on paper method?

Tho it is not certain yet as the boss said - he's not even sure what will happen in the end, but still insist that he is not putting my name forward, but if in the end it happens anyway - as he does not have the last say - he thought i should be ready to accept it.
take it positively bla2..

I was just speechless. I cudnt say much after that and just wanted to get it over with.
One more word and i cud burst out like i always do.

I am disappointed and so down. Its even more upset that the reviews are ok, feeling stupid for the times that i put the work first before myself.
Because i m.c 8 days? In a year?
I'm sure there are some ppl from other grp who did more than that but probably get away - because somebody else in the group was worse, or their grp quota is smaller. Either way, lucky them not me.

Rezeki of course. Again, does it make me a bad person to feel sad and complain?

I cried the whole of that night, cried untill it was difficult to breathe. Asking again and again why?
I probably fell asleep in the end at around 3am, with my eyes probably still in tears.

I thought spending the weekend doing things, and spending some time playing with little nephew wud make me feel ok.

But once i'm back home, thinking about work tomorrow makes me feel sick and sad again.
seriously what do i do to make these people happy?
owh i have to make them happy because obviously i turned out to be unhappy when they're not.
i know that once i'm back on track and be emotionally ok about it, i can revenge by working like mad and kicking ass again.
My revenge inner voice is telling me to be heartless and work like there's no tomorrow. No.m.c for next year even if i get sick, even tho i will get depressed and half mad by doing that. No life, no friends no prospects.
Is that what i'm supposed to do?

Or should i be passive and just work 8-5.45 and not care if my work is finished or not? Lantak boss n company lah nak jd ape. Ujung bulan dpt gaji, cukup rehat cukup senang maybe kurang sakit.

Honestly i dont know.
Nothing seems to be ok.
maybe i should rethink about that "second chance" between me and the company. The next time i get an offer maybe i should think more about the opportunity an  move forward.
they dont appreciate me here anyway, there's not much left to consider.

Right now..i still feel pretty down and stupid. The thought still makes me mad and feel unworthy. Useless.
i dont know how to handle it at work tomorrow. I dont want to go to work.
I know the only way is to get up and face them. Let next year be better than this year...but for now i just want to stay weak and stupid.

8:58 PM

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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Landscape mood.

Suddenly mood landscape. Dah lama x shoot yg memuaskan hati semata-mata, bukan shoot org suka2.

Plannye menjurus pada sunrise&sunset, stream or waterfall, or pantai. Putrajaya, klanang dan ulu yam antara lokasi2 yg masuk shortlist.
N since today nak lepak bangi ngan ilyas comel, maka sy ke putrajaya.
Kempunan sunrise, sbb x ckp masa n cr tpt n set up
tp jumpe gak tpt nye akhirnya, next time bleyla ke situ. End up stayed around untill tghari cr tpt2 n subjek2 menarik. X dpt sgt sbb dah panas dan penat.

Kalau larat esok nak repeat sunrise la! Tpt dah tau  :)


7:26 PM

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Friday, November 2, 2012

Expectations.

Meeting ppl expectations is difficult, meeting our own is ever harder.

I will get up tomorrow, stronger, even heartless if the world expects me to.
But tonight i want to just hide under the pillow, and cry like the clouds outside.

8:01 PM

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Thursday, November 1, 2012

Another one down!

Alamak..
Ade sorg mamat ni, xde la gang sgt, jarang pon jumpe n lepak. Asalnye friend of a friend. Tp bila lepak skali mmg suka style dia. Sungguh selamba, kelakar, sweet tapi maintain humble.
Seyes jenis simple, kampung2 sket, innocent dan baik je. Bonusnye, agak kiut cam farid kamil. Akaka.

Kawan yg asalnye menyebabkan kitorg kenal tu pon, dulu penah la try kenen2, tp sbb mamat ni jenis 'pemalu' sgt, mmg tatau camne nak go  :)
tp bile lepak skali skala tu..rasela mcm mamat ni ok, tp gua mmg la x reti. Apsalla lu pemalu sgt?

Then today, kabarnye. Nak kawen daaaaah la plak.
For a moment, i thought  "tsk...another one good prospect down.."
Takdela sedih, sbb bukannye suka ke ape, baru nak 'minat'. X sempat kenal sgt lg pon, or rather, xde peluang nak kenal, so x sempat nak suka lagi pon.
but bile dgr tu untuk beberapa saat rase mcm nak tepuk dahi.

Nak buat caner..
tulah, lambat lagi!

*Kalau suka, buat sthg, x dapat, sedih nangis2.
kalau suka, x buat pape, tepuk dahi sket, pastu x rase papepon ekceli.

Maknenye, betulla xyah wat pape lg ok kot~

7:49 PM

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