sitting, waiting and wishing

Friday, June 25, 2010

Doing It Right, the procedures.

NECF Malaysia - Adoption Doing It Right

Just some info i came acrossed over on the internet..
thot it`s relevant and wud be useful.

11:48 PM

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

my secrets to keep n tell..

some people say it seems like i`ve moved on.
some people say i seem happier.
some people say i`ve changed to be better.

tu put things simple..i do feel happier most of the time..i`m doing a lot of avoiding and mind blocking which kinda work , tho injustice to some parties maybe. and immature. and it does feel like living in denial sometimes. but so what, i`m saving myself from all the pain i`m still healing from.

some people say, get over it. u hv too much more to get rather than weeping over what you didnt.

but so what, u`re not in my shoes. u hv no idea.
so what if i want to take my time healing...
and then u`ll say, ok then suit yourself. stay in that draggy mood of yours and dont let us in.

well, i dont blame u.
apparantly absorbing all of it alone is kinda what i`m so used to, its not so bad anymore.

i try to be happy for myself.
tho most of the time i struggle at the thot that i have to try to be happy...deep inside i believe its something natural.

maybe i try to be happy for people who care about me. so they dont hv to be worry too much about me.
sometimes the trick works, but most of the time it doesnt.
but at least..i`ve learnt to put that mask on when necessary.

for now..i`m ok. i`ve been better but i`ve also been worse. so i`m grateful (to Allah) for all...some memories are poisonous so i know i hv to let them go..just one at a time.

the worse is over for sure.
tho it still feel weird in the throat at times of awkwardness.
and tho i still cry at the mere thought of it.
Nights feel especially lonely, but its the best time to reflect and let go.

i`m ok...

1:34 AM

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

no title

..and hours of sleeping and a cheese cake later --> still having bad headache and stomach cramps.
guess it didnt work.

tsk.
have some netball training and badminton tomorrow...hope will be ok by then.

10:51 PM

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bad period

thot it`s be good to stay in.
but its killing me.
it`s hot in the room..trying to chill out watching gossip girl but thats not helping.

and its worse when i`m having a bad period pain.
dont get it most of the time but its really bad this time..
maybe its stress.
or maybe because my stomach has been empty all day.... thats what happen when i stay in on weekends.

wanna sleep now...maybe the pain will go away when i wake up.
bye.

4:53 PM

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Saturday, June 19, 2010

mandom wiken

wiken ni mmg purposely tak bwat any plans...penat dgn past weeks nye activity so just nak chill out n be spontaneous.
tp dlm tak plan tu..kejap lg kena gi selayang main bowling for Kelab Pe*odua Malaysia tournament..kalau menang dpt cash best jugak ;-)

tp dlm aku dok plan nak mandom jek wiken ni..mcm dah tak thn jek..br stgh hari dok umah abes dah sumer benda aku basuh, iron baju, kemas bilik bla2.....
malam ni n esok nak bwat ape ni???!!!

btw...
remember the story pasal husband of a friend yg dok call about his wife tu...
after a couple of times..aku dah start stress..tak angkat dah call dia. but nowadays almost everyday dia akan call..selalunye petang lps office hour. aku plak purposely taknak pay attention dah sama ade kawan aku tu still kat opis ke whatever..makes it easier.
tapi tak easier pon ekceli..

ni hari sabtu mcm ni, tgh2hari buta pon dia ade call jugak....bukan ke wiken ni ade wedding adik beradik diorg??!!

urghh..
rase mcm ade stalker pon ade.

1:48 PM

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Friday, June 18, 2010

update

...
saya nak citer pasal last wiken trip to mersing to tioman tp saya bz hari2 tak sempat nak pilih gambar mane nak upload plus saya ade to do list yg panjaaaaaaang~

kejap lagi la yeh..

9:22 PM

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

vice^versa

ok so lets pretend i`m telling a fiction story.


its half past midnite n i suddenly got a call from this unknown number. as always, i ignored the call as i never pick up calls from strangers. but when this number kept calling for 6 times, cudnt resist but texting - ni sape eh?
the reply came immediately- this is so-and-so`s husband.ok...panik kejap. why would he call at this hour. my first instinct was that sthg bad had happened.
and then he called again.
ok so i picked it up this time, as it is not a stranger.
it`s the husband of a friend who i know quite well..well, takdelah close to the husband, but the friend is a dear friend, somebody i respect...not just somebody i know, but somebody i share a lot of things with. and i know the husband as well.

dipendekkan cerita, the husband was looking for the wife who`s still not home at that hour. i was shot point blank, when he bluntly told me how his wife had been acting strange. senang cerita, brader ni tgh suspect that the wife is cheating on him...i tried telling him that maybe she has got sthg to do or maybe sthg bad happened ke sampai tak balik umah dah tgh malam, then he told me how this has been repeating for sometime lately, and that he had caught her with another man before...it seems that the husband has some basis to his worry.
rase mcm nak tercabut jantung dgr cerita tu..waktu call ni, he`s actually in his car, driving around KL trying to locate his wife.

drpd nada suara dpt rase betapa sakitnya bila seorg lelaki terpaksa bercerita tentang masalah yg begitu personal..aku byk diam je sambil dgr dia bercerita non-stop. berkali-kali tanya aku, perasan tak wife dia buat ape hari sekian2, perasan tak perubahan ape2 etc...
kebetulan, lately masa bersembang kitorg(aku n the friend) mmg dah kurang. we talked a lot dulu..but lately peluang nak lepak bersembang tu dah kurang.

so dr satu perkara ke satu perkara, tak terkata ape2 bile husband dia ni dok bukak satu persatu cerita...dr cerita luar2 sampai cerita sedalam-dalamnye, if u know what i mean..suprisingly, aku rase mcm aku calm jek dgr semua tu.
sepanjang-panjang tu aku cuma doa yg dia ni cuma salah faham dan ade some sort of explanation.
tp honestly, based on facts..its hard to keep that faith.
the husband ade byk benda yg dia syak, so dia cuba nak pastikan a few incidents - ada masa2 the wife gunakan nama kawan2(termasuk aku) utk jadi excuse balik lambat etc...aku cuba utk kata aku tak ingat dan tak tau while at the same time trying to recall those incidents...only to be suprised, sbb biler aku berjaya recall what happened, clearly the wife had been lying to the husband, using our names.


most of the time, aku ckp aku tak perasan. drpd dia yg aku kenal, tak terbayang boleh berlaku semua yg diceritakan tu...its really shocking and sad...the husband is desperate to know the truth, nak mengumpul bukti utk tau decision yg patut dia amek...dia ade a few people yg dia terfikir utk call tanya pasal benda ni. and i`m glad he called me first..aku cuma ckp ngan dia, jgn call yg lain2.
up to a point, dia siap mintak tolong aku hint2kan the wife..aku ckpla aku ni pon tak kawen lg..bukannye aku faham masalah org dah kawen mcm mane...pastu dia siap bg nasihat plak, kalau nak cr jodoh tu harta benda, wang ringgit, rupa semua tu tak penting, yg penting hati budi n kasih sayang..
siap ckp lg, "saya doakan farah hana jumpe suami yg baik". adoilaaaa...skrg sape yg mintak advise sapa nih?!!
tp still..waktu ni rase mcm bergenang air mata.
nampak selama ni mcm loving couple despite dugaan2 yg diorg hadapi as husband and wife.
tp tak sangka rupanye ada bom yg hampir nak meledak..sedih2.

kesudahannye...the husband mintak tolong aku tgk2kan wife dia. bahasa kasarnye- suruh aku jadi tukang report benda2 abnormal yg wife dia buat.
aku cuma ckp insyaAllah tp honestly i dont know what to do...aku sempat suggest that the husband bring the wife gi jumpe ustaz2 kat darusshifa bangi, mane tau ade unsur2 sihir...sedar tak sedar dekat sejam perbualan ni berlaku.

aku nye honest feeling skrg ni...
satu, aku harap semua ni salah faham semata-mata. mcm selalu tgk drama samarinda tu, kdg2 biler dah start salah faham ni yg jadik parah. mungkin org tu ada masalah yg dia tak boleh cerita ngan sesape termasuk the husband...time tu jugakla husband tu nak nampak benda2 yg mencurigakan padahal takde papepon...selalunye mmg bad timing nye issue.

dua, kalau betul lah ape yg the husband syak, aku rase itu sgt2 tak fair. mcm mane aku marah biler dgr cerita kawan aku nye husband main kayu tiga time kawan aku tu tgh pantang bersalin, mcm ni la jugak aku punye geram pada kawan aku ni, kalau betol dia ada affair...
aku rase tak fair utk si suami terus menerus terbiar dlm hubungan yg tergantung ni, not knowing what the wife is doing behind his back. aku respect that he still have the patience to stay in the marriage. bagusnye kalau diorg bleh slow talk and boleh clarify ape yg betul ape yg salah...tp susahnye bileh tak boleh nak slow talk, atau yg membuat salah tu takmau mengaku dan takde plak bukti nye.

so what do i do nih??!!!
dua-dua pon aku kenal. of course lah asalnye yg the wife tu jek kawan aku. tp lama2 kenal dgn husband dia skali..
katakan satu hari the husband call, tanye betul ke wife dia tgh dinner ngan aku, padahal kami takde keluar sama2, jawapan yg wajarnye YE, TIDAK atau TAKTAU??~
patut ke aku tipu sbb jawapannye TIDAK, atau jawab saja YA dan tanggung dosa Subahat??
atau amek jalan tgh, buat2 TAKTAU??!

ermm..naper la aku bleh terlibat dgn masalah rumahtangga org nih...sendiri kawen pon belum...
paling takut kalau dpt tau dek kawan tu that the husband cerita pasal semua nih....mau putus kawan nih.

help~


1:22 AM

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Saturday, June 5, 2010

the grass is not always greener on the other side..

hari ni penat bertugas jadik pengapit to sas & e.j wedding ;-)
esok kena bangun awal..kol8am janji kat umah sas nak gerak ke n9 - yes esok on duty jadik photographer plak!

so citer pasal sas`s wedding and sumer2 ni tangguh dulu.

i`m still in shock.
seorg kawan yg baru je aku jumpe, yg baru deliver 2nd baby recently...now facing a sad phase of her marriage.
sedang dlm pantang melahirkan anak ke-2 utk suami yg kononnye nak 7 org anak, kantoi yg si suami ade affair. worse, when it is not just a one time fling, the husband actually confessed that he cudnt get the other girl out of his mind, and that he wants to take her as 2nd wife. kononnye dah tak cintakan the wife, tp masih ada sayang, and thats only because of the kids.
wth?
u ask ur wife to give u 7 kids, but dare ask a girl u just met for a month to be ur (2nd) wife?

ade org maybe akan ckp, cant blame him.cant blame her. takde sape yg mintak mcm tu tp sori aku tak berape bleh terima konsep..kalau dah sedar diri tu laki org, yg pempuan tu plak sedar yg lelaki tu laki org, at the point berlakunye initial approach tu u hv the option of giving it a FULL STOP. thats it.
kalau dlm hati takde terlintas utk pasang lg satu, atau nak jadi bini no.2, we`d do what we cud lah.

maybe ade org akan warn, jgn terlalu mudah judge org, kita bukan in their shoes to know what we`d do. tp yes aku tau ape aku akan buat.
biar kalau aku takleh elak suka laki org sekalipon, biar kena pendam rase tu sampai sakit pon, dlm minda yg waras ni InsyaAllah aku tak akan tarik org lain masuk dlm lembah luka tu. nak seksa biar seksa sorg2.
the same mind to decide what to do in that situation is the same mind that tells me to breathe. so in the end its all abt choices.

aku tak akan jadi org yg akan bg nasihat pd kawan tu, to think abt the kids bla2 in making her decision because if i were in her shoes, i wud want a friend to tell me to be selfish and be true to myself...
dunno la why so emo. kesian giler kot..muda2 lagi mungkin agak berat kalau ditakdirkan berpisah jodoh, tp drpd terus berada dlm hubungan dgn lelaki yg dah mengaku yg dia dah tak cinta..
lain la kalau lelaki tu insaf and janji to repair what he did wrong that maybe he deserves a 2nd chance..
its different if the man sincerely wants to have both cos i do get the fact that men are creatures yg mmg boleh membahagikan cinta dan kasih sayang.
tp when he said that the love is gone...

i maybe can never say this straight to her face, but it did cross my mind some time ago ( quite some time ago, maybe before dia kawen), thats she lucky. putus cinta hari ni, bulan dpn dah jumpe yg lain. selalunye lelaki yg datang dulu carik. dia penah made a statement, she thought she`s lucky in finding love(..or maybe men??)
well she is kinda pretty.enuff said..
and now i`m feeling so sorry for her to ever have that thought...

rite now rasenye aku lebih lucky kerana masih bujang..paling2 pon dok jeles ngan member dah beranak-pinak, atau frust menonggeng cinta tak berbalas - tu pon, tak sure la tu cinta ke tak. mungkin cume kekeliruan yg tak dpt ditafsirkan, kot?
tak boleh digambarkan kesedihan finding out that your husband cheated on you, right after you gave him his 2nd child...
i just hope she is strong enough to face the test..

somehow..the grass suddenly feels a lot greener on this side.

11:56 PM

5 friends sharing their thots

mandi bunga??!

aa
tgh layan ceramah perdana rahsia mencari pasangan by dr.mashitah n dr.fadhilah kamsah.

sori..aku agak skeptikal dgn topik camni.
semuanye konsep2 tipikal yg dah jelak nak dgr.

layan dr awal sampai suku jalan, byk jugak terasa pedasnye
kalau buang rase skptikal ni, byk jugakla buleh jd pengajaran
walau terasa nak gelak bile dr.fadhilah kata mandi bunga itu hukum nye harus..what?

kesimpulannye...
kena lebih redha, dan memaafkan
maybe ni salah satu isu besar dlm hati skrg...i`m trying tp its taking longer than expected.

cam tak larat nak tgk sampai habis tho..
nantilah sambung.

9:03 AM

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Thursday, June 3, 2010

suprise call

sedikit risau..
ok maybe more than a little.

got a call from sis, about atuk who`s not too well suddenly.
waktu jumpe my very brief balik kampung last weekend, nampak mcm normal.
well he`s an old man, i did tegur atuk nampak bongkok than usual.

turned out rupanye he`s not too well. injured his foot, tersepak batu semewhere. they brought him to the doc and thats when the big suprise came, he`s got kencing manis. beginning monday his injured foot suddenly became worse...well diabetis, and wounds are not really a good combination...i`ve heard too much stories to keep calm.

note to self to keep updated closely.

atuk n makwe have always been healthy.
especially atuk. always a healthy man of the house.

aku sgt2 risau.

kalau lah duduk dekat, aku tak tunggu org lain dah despite what the clinic doctor said, to wait and see if the medicine works. will bring him straight to the hospital no matter if he resist.

tp duduk jauh ni...doa je dr jauh.
risau yg amat.

12:41 AM

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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

secret wish

it was so close then we fell apart
he was wrong and i was never right
i was there and he was not
to be true, guess we just cannot

it felt right yet it was wrong
i really thought i had it strong
so dear when it fell apart
it really did break my heart

for a moment it was dark
i strayed for a while looking for luck
but it was never mine
now i can see that i was blind

but now feels so right
tho i`m as always, scared
maybe a future there is
dear, that is my secret wish.

11:44 PM

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