sitting, waiting and wishing

Thursday, September 30, 2010

SHRINK??!

finally made that call to help myself getting some help. at least it will be by a friend so it wont be too uncomfortable hopefully. been warned by the friend tho, we will be having a strict professional acquantance so will really need to open up..now working on fixing an appointment date...will just take a day off for it.

11:30 AM

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

raya lagi...

i wish we could give us a try
i wish i never had to cry
and you`ll be be light of my life.

this coming saturday is going to be another one full of meeting ppl, food and gatherings.
joyous, but why am i not excited.
wish i cud run a way with a sports car i dont have.

11:17 PM

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weekend, open houses and more.

saturday.

mula dgn brunch date with colleague at TTDI. mengidam laksa johor punya pasal, sanggup mencarik sampai ke TTDI.found this shop there - Wakchai - serving authentic Johor dishes.tgk menu jek dah bleh terliur~we both had laksa johor. Also had sirap bandung johor - just the right combination of sirap, susu and ice cream soda~the laksa?wud have been perfect with a lil`bit more garam and santan.but overall, very nice and thick! umai!!
later went to an open house by a vendor - third time and still almost sesat lol~had the best nasi kerabu there-ade org siap tambah lagi!
it was raining, then stopped than started raining again. so of cos, it was traffic jam everywhere.rushed back to kl. thot cud drop by the pavilion before heading to the next gath point- but ended up pit stop kat station.dinner was with some uni friends at this japanese ala-carte buffet place, Munakata at Kl Lifecenter. a junior came down from Kedah so took the chance to meet her (plus hubby and kid). perut was so demm full, but cud still melantak some unagi and salmon. yg lain tak berapa nak go but the unagi wasjust too good to resist.
after dinner, sempat lagi heret memmber gi danau kota. carik t-shirt selai dua. yg sebenarnye, malas nak balik umah awal. utk sebab2 yg tak dpt diexplain.



















ahad
ahad plak, raya berantai~
went around some colleagues houses - 5 of them.
sampai perut naik senak makan mcm2.
photos byk budak2 jek.
seronok n meriah bila beraya.
kalau aku dok umah sendiri, mmg kompem akan buat makan2 invite friends datang beraya.
tp rumah skrg, sudu garfu pon x cukup...
dalam mimpi je leerr..




fav photo of the day-hasya bukan berlakon tu ye, genuine expression ;-)

12:05 AM

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

untitled~

letting go of something you never had, is sometimes harder than things you had.

7:40 AM

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Sunday, September 26, 2010

curiosity kills the cat!

in the car, the conversation had been going on abt so many things around...

suddenly, it just came out of my mouth..
"do u think he has a gf?" *wished i cud take the words back as soon as i said it.
"er..well maybe not a gf, but there`s someone he goes out with sometimes when he`s free. but he said they never declared anything so he`s also not sure..just between us tau!!"
"of cos..who wud i tell?" tsk..whish i didnt ask.

then silence for a good 30 seconds that felt like 30 minutes.

"ermm..if he`s available, u taknak ke?"
demm..does she have to ask?
and even i was shocked to hear my own words following the awkward question.

"well, wud it be a suprise if i say..well, actually i like him?" tsk.
"no..actually i know. i just want to hear the words from u".grin.
what?

"well actually, my hubby Y guessed first then he told me. same thing with S, R made the guess first then told her..."
"so everybody seems to notice it but sometimes i do think that maybe he`s the only who never get it. tho most of the times i think he`s just playing dumb"
it started to feel weird in the stomach...

"well, i think he knows lah...but thats the thing lah he always just layan everyone. and maybe he`s not sure himself or he just doesnt know how to be direct...he said he`s not into the big M thing yet now, because he feels like he has to take care of his family first, cant afford to jaga anak org yet bla2..maybe u just have to be patient with him lah"
ok so now it started to fall down.

"i know..i know how much he thinks abt his parents and all so honestly i`m trying not put any pressure nor expect anything from him"
tried my best to hold the tears back and play cool tho all the while i felt like crushing all over.

i began to wonder lately, that maybe he already has someone. if not exclusive, maybe at least someone somewhat a bit special than others.
and i`ve been dying to figure that one out as i didnt want the same thing to happen this time.
and now that i know the answer to my own curiosity - it is still the same. it is still not easy to just let it go and throw it into the dustbin!
tho at the back of my mind, i do feel like it`s a bit far-fetched since he`s forever avoiding the subject and keeps beating around the bushes, and maybe thats his way of politely saying no.

i know very well what these thing could do to me yet i just cant stop.
how do i stop that feeling when it just gets stronger(=worse) everytime?

maybe it is bound to happen anyway.
i cud let him know now, of how i feel and all, get rejected and be down-heartbroken.
or i cud keep it in the air, never said a word about it. and eventually if he met somebody and one day hit the big M, then i`d be heartbroken and run away half-across the globe.

maybe it is bound to happen.
question is sooner, or later.

people say curiosity kills the cat.
well in this case, it`s not the cat.
its me.

9:07 PM

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

pisang

mcm ade instinct tak baper best...
mcm pisang nak berbuah dua kali.

and my instinct had always (or most of the time..) been right...
maybe i need to back off.

1:07 AM

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

if this is me driving a manual car...

so..
i shall go into gear-4...or into reverse?

8:30 PM

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

chocolate


love?
its only chocolate..without the calorie~

12:00 AM

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Monday, September 20, 2010

aidilfitri, 1st ~ 7th.

ok.time for real 'raya report' ;-) again was down in BP for a very long-long raya break. tu salah satu sebab mungkin pk 3-4 kali nak tuko keja, tpt skrg ni takyah riso nak apply cuti raye.had my ups and downs this whole break for some complicated reasons..but no one else to blame but me and my complexity i guess.but Alhamdulillah, think i`m back up. Praying that things get better and better.


1st day.
as usual.solat raya yg laki2 jek pegi - yg pempuan dok umah kemas2, siapkan hidang makan atas meja etc - dan siap2 ngan baju raya etc semestinye ;-)thn ni, for the first time in so many years, dpt tido lebih dr 5 jam di mlm raya, dgn tak iron baju raya nye lagik!tertido ekceli..ikutkan nak basuh keta cam last year tp penat sgt sampai terus terlelap sampai pagi!pas diorg balik dr solat raya, as usual sessi salam bersalam, maaf bermaaf, nangis bernangis hahah~beratur ikut turutan umur dan pangkat utk salam2~yg adik2 best la dpt duit raya..yg kakak2 ni la kena kuar duit raya huhu~ pastu gerak pi 'balik kampung' - literally lah, balik umah atok/makwe i.e kampung belah emak yg sekangkang kera jek.adelah 5 minit kalau naik kereta~adik2 beradik mak n family - cousins sumer - dah berkumpul. sessi salam bersalam etc utk keluarga besar(yg tak berapa besar pon).pastu sambung ngan sessi bergambar lak - this year kurang sket berposing. sbb baru dok amek grp photo, dah ade satu famili besar anak buah atok dtg beraya.so ade satu je gambo cucu2 with atok n makwe. and satu je jugak gambo the whole family.lps layan anak2 buah dan cucu sedara atuk&makwe tu, kitorg lak gi umah diorg nearby. sambung sessi begambo kat situ lak sbb td tak sempat haha. this year, byk gambar newly-added family member - muhammad qashful qays - pipi dah x berapa nak tembam tp still comei sgt2.geram aaa...suka tgk paksu & maksu beraya bertiga tahun ni after 9 years beraya berdua ;-) budak ni pulak rupa dia cam dah ikut baba mama dia. betulla kan org kata, biler dah dijaga ditatang bagai minyak yg penuh, bukan setakat pe`el,rupa pon bleh ikut parents dia walaupon bukan true flesh and blood.



2nd day
ermm..2nd day beraya kampung abah jek.
gamba2 aku time 2nd day diharamkan disini- muka chubby giler! mmg la kompem tak seswaiii pakai tudung sarung~ and mmg tak byk amek gamba pon. tak bape ade 'feel'.



3rd day
errrr..dah balik ke rumah sendiri..melayan org dtg beraya. dan beraya lagik.



4th day;
urhhh..hari yg paling memenatkan dan palik gamak beraya. konvoi the whole of mak`s side - total of 5 cars.
beraya umah adik-beradik atuk/makwe di serata daerah johor. dr bp ke kluang balik ke bp balik. pulak tu setiap umah masuk mesti ade jamuan berat..uhuh...susah nye nak resist~

a total of 7 houses kot..sumer raya yg sungguh2 nih.
was physically - and also mentally tired...next year, mcm tak suprise kalau aku dah malas nak join konvoi raya nih. phobia.
tp tulah..all these while ikutkan jugak, sbb kalau aku tak gi, sape nak bwk mak abah?



5th day;

lost track aah...rasenye ni hari yg kami beraya ke muar-melaka plak kot.
lagi rumah makcik2 yg perlu dilawati.
aku dok layan mood malas dr pagi sampai ke petang..mak abah pon tak berani nak ajak ke-mana2 agaknye..
petang lps asar, aku pon siap2 diorg pon otomatik siap2 skali~
terpakselah ikut mood driver yek semua..
akibatnye dah pukul 5.30 br nak sampai ke rumah pertama..maghrib di rumah ke dua. pastu sambung lg ke rumah ke-3 dan ke-4 sampai ke melaka.
rumah last lepak lama sket layan tv.
sudahnye..dkt midnite br sampai rumah balik.



6th day;
ermm..tak raye memane. dah start beli2 barang utk masak2 makan besar the day. pagi2 layan bawak adik kecik gi pasar, ke hulu ke hilir cari mcm2 barang. siap lepak kopitiam pekena soto dab teh tarik best. seronok bab makan kalau ngan adik, mmg la like sister like brother~
malam tu sempat bake kek dan macaron lagik~


7th day;
ermm hari yg agak `lain' utk famili, esp. utk one of my sis. the bf & family were coming for raya and so-called 'merisik' session.
not very familiar pon with the flow of this thing...layankan ajek.
mak masak agak beria, nasi tomato seperiuk besar - adelah 4kg beras. ngan ayam 3 ekor..jemput skali makcik2 n famili dtg lunch kat umah.
sungguh la meriah mcm second round raya..i was deep in my complicated emotion, might hv not been in my best mood that day, but i tried my best...lawannye org perak, ade la pulak tepak sirehnye..kitorg lak sgt la sempoi takde prepare pape pon..first time nengok makwe mengunyah sireh. pandai jugak dia~

agak ngeri tgk makwe vs opah sebelah sana. berkias dan ber'nego' hahah~
not too many photos sgt..but me writing up about this event right now is me saying that i am no less happier for the great neww, though a bit quiet about the whole thing. i guess i had a lot in mind.
i promise to come out with more photos for the real thing - the soon coming 'majlis bertunang' and of course the wedding itself.

pretty much that..
spent the last few days after that lazying around, cooking, baking etc.
and getting ready to return.

to be honest, there were moments when i thought i missed work.
but maybe, i was just wishing i could run and dissapear.


p/s; photos are best to be enjoyed from bottom to top. maleh nak edit.sekeping dua jek edit. lain2 tu bior la sono-mama.

battle of the 'neneks'











baby raya; muhammad adam 'sthg2'..er sori tak ingat!









with mak & abah.




owh...tlg jgn komen muka sy yek...yg penting suka gambo ni sbb expression budak ni!


qays tgh kira jari tuu...







ade rupe tak? ade kan kan kan ?? hehe~
ramai tukang layan~



atuk comei~

ish2....precious darling~


brrrr....alamak, nampak plak atuk kat blkg tuuu~


cucu dr yg paling tua ( aku lerer tuh..) sampai paling muda ( qays yg tgh nanges~)


10:13 PM

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