sitting, waiting and wishing

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Ruang.

Andai lidah mampu berkata-kata
ruang ini tak sepi bicara
Antara dia dan aku
Antara ketawa dan air mata

Namun pasrah menyusur ruang ini
Hanya ruang sepi
Ruang rindu
Ruang dia dan aku

Doa demi doa
kupanjat moga satu waktu
rindu ini lenyap
sepi ini mati

Terbaik untuk aku
Terbaik untuk dia.

5:23 PM

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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lelaki membebel.

Hmm..some people think they're so perfect sumer benda pasal org nak komen.
Kalau diri sendiri so perfect xpe jugak.
Org makan roti dua ketol pon nak bebel.

Sakit telinga. Lelaki kalau kuat mengomen dan membebel sgt la turn off.
bikin spoil mood satu hari.

8:37 AM

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Monday, March 18, 2013

Mencari.

In the process of finding a new place..
sempat juga usya2 utk beli tp x sempatla skrg terus..so priority to rent at the moment. Maybe end april la br pindah tho.

Mostly survey online je dulu..shortlist a few, then plan nak pegi round tgk kawasan and condition pastu mane berkenan br request to view dalam.<
Rase nak duduk sorg je senang, so praktikal apt je la, utk budget yg logik.

Kalu teres kena duduk jauh dan kampung sket..which kalau bleh xnak la.
biar tmpt yg senang, dkt public transport, kedai2, klinik..senang kalau family dtg ke. And utk own convenience gak.
Senang citer kalu bleh bajet around 450-600max.

kalu dpt flat x setinggan sgt pon ok. Kecik2 pon xpe.
But the ones that i found online aside, ade pulak a few friends yg offer rent rumah diorg.
Both rumah baru, kes sayang nak main sewakan je kat tah sape2..they are actually sanggup turunkan sewa below standard asalkan ade org duduk n jaga.

One is a fully furnish condo near ukm. Jalan kaki je pegi ukm komuter. part fully furnish tu agak menarik. Sbb dok terfikir, rumah sewa nanti nak beli perabot sayang plak bbb rumah beli tatau lg camne. x beli perabot kang x selesa plak. This one the friend is offering rm800. Rate kat situ over rm1k for fully furnished.

Another one is a brand new double storey terrace, rumah br siap, gated and guarded. Community family, ade kumpulan muslimah buat aktiviti wiken2.
yg ni tang gated n guarded, rumah baru dan ade komuniti yg aktif tu plak menarik hati.
Rental offered is rm1k. Location near pkns bangi.
Std rate is dkt rm1.5k.

Best jugak duduk rumah baru besar selesa..tp ermmm kena sedar diri utk sewa mcm x berbaloi. Unless i want to consider finding a housemate.
kalu adikku ilot dpt keja belah2 sini kan bagus. Leh kongsi sekali hehe..drpd duduk flat sorg 500, duduk teres besar, baru, selamat 2 org surely lg best.

Hmmmmmm..
Utk rumah nak beli, ade jumpe a few kat cyber yg on goind development. Yg br nak start soon pon ade..maybe leh target end of the year ke if keja situ ok. Agak jatuh cinta ngan rumah2 kat cyber ty, service apt@condo types, bulehla beli kot still below 300k although kecik je mmg suitable for single living. Yg partially furnished pon ade.
nak duduk pon selesa..nak kasi rent out (kalau perlu in the future) pon insyaAllah pulang modal.

Ya Allah. Mudah2an dipermudahkan jumpe rumah sewa soon!
And then later tumah utk settle down.

6:02 PM

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Sunday, March 17, 2013

Matchmaking.

A very, no..extremely close friend who's almost like a sister, asked me today if i wud like to have her mother do some 'matchmaking' thing. Not exclusive for me all of a sudden, but the mother is doing it for her sister. And my name came up in between.
I do remember having the talk abt wether i am ready to be matched-made some time ago.

The matchmaking process involves the mother who is also someone i'm quite close to, and friends of hers. Some aunty and her ustaz husband.

I have'nt said yes. Hvnt said no.
It is too serious a matter for me to simply say.
When ppl do it this way, and if they do find someone, things dont normally wait for u. Once u're in, u have to embrace the possibility.
Meaning i have to be sure that i am ready now. Not next year or later.

No doubt in my heart that i long for a family.
someone who takes care of me and lets me take care of him. Who wud also guide me when i do sthg bad and push me forward when i feel down.
And also some little person i can gomol along the way - kids!  :p
well, a family. but is that instinct enough? Being a very practical me i cant help but thinking abt other more physical stuff - financial readiness, family condition, etc.

Jadi dengan nada sgt serius, bersediakah?

6:16 PM

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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah. Its finally official between me and the other side. Received and straight away signed the acceptance letter of offer of employment today at the soon-to-be-my-office  :p
I had cold sweats. Hands were shaking and i felt like puking.
but a part of me was also relieved.
FINALLY. Finally it is not just in my head.
It is real.

Rushed back after that as i planned to tender my l.o.r today. Time is crucial as i have no annual leave balance to offset my notice period. Got to the office just in time to catch my manager but instead i went to the surau first, settled asar..i think some part of me needed some strength and solat gives me that. 7 years is quite a long deal. It takes some time and strength to accept that your time is finally up.

..and then when i returned back to the office, the manager had actually just left.
But it was good that i came anyway. Got to chat with immediate superior, and finally cracked the news to him abt my intention.
he was taken back by the sudden news - terduduk terus. Hehe..his immediate response was " alamak..patah sebelah tangan!"
but he was all supportive. He probably didnt know anyway what happened the past few months that i feel as injustice and unacceptable. He's been a great leader, so i'm not gonna give him the headache of knowing the ugly truths. He has all my respect as a leader and as a person.

I feel bad for this boss cos he's one of the good ones. But the problem is beyond him. The problem is the system. Other people. The management...or maybe the problem is just me not being able to tough it up anymore. I know and he knows if anything happens at the end of the day, even he wudnt be able to do anything.

And although the timing is shocking, as it is quite hectic these days, for me the timing is just perfect.

If i tender tomorrow with 1 month notice, my last day of work wud probably be around april 12th - the exact date 7 years ago when i first joined.
What a coincidence  :)

So i find myself looking back at those early hippie days..and recent more serious years. Recalling the good and the bad. My love-hate relationships with some people and the amazing bonds of friendships i've managed to build over the years with a few.
Also cant help but wonder for the 100th time if finally with this, it will be completely true that nothing will ever come up between me and that one person.
yes maybe this is.
Maybe finally i will be free from the pain of holding on to nothing but memories. The pain of seeing him around and holding myself back from saying and doing things.

And i say nothing for that but Alhamdulillah.
I wish for nothing more but a happier, albeit more challenging career and life beyond this point.

I hope i still get to be in some of these ppl lives as i would want to keep them. At the same time looking forward to meet new acquaintances at the new place.

8:56 PM

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Thursday, March 7, 2013

A better weekend!

Cant wait for 5.45pm tomorrow!
When the weekend officially starts!
I love it when i already hv plans made for the weekend - starting friday evening untill sunday.

Cant wait to slip on those swimming suits again  ::eventho i still cant swim::

11:02 PM

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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Diet again!

Just finished reading kezin zahri ebooks thanx bestie ku yam! Sipi2inak purchase skali ade org baik hati share.
hehe..

For the first time i actually calculated my BMR, DCR semua..
so setelah set target nak lost berapa kg dlm masa berapa lama, i actually got it on paper how much calories deficit i need.
deficit: berapa byk calorie intake to reduce or output to add from my DCR.

Cut the long story short, for a start i'm targeting at loosing 10kgs in 3 months = 77000calories = deficit of 864 cal/ day.
This is either by diet, exercise or combo.

Combo is how coach kevin recommends it.
So i'll target to cut 550 from diet, and about 350 of exercise.
With that, i can still eat around 1800 cal. Yeah its not that bad.
Lgpon i dont want to fall into another crash diet trap.
350cal of exercise is however difficult..wish i had bought that bike. For now, its only walking.
with moderate pace, i need an hour a day!wah!

Diet wise, as i've already started on healthy breakfast since last week, i just need to tackle on my dinner and sweets intake.
No no more cooking 'comfort food' for dinner and more vegy & nuts!
even fruits hv to be controlled as they are high on sugar.

Yoshhhaaa!

P/s: good to know that black coffee without sugar is 0 cal! As thats the way i'm enjoying my coffee lately anyway  :p

3:56 PM

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Saturday, March 2, 2013

Managed to force myself to get ready, leave the house and get in the car.
before that went into the kitchen, cuci ketam,ikan and telur ikan that i bought for rm35 yesterday, not so fresh anymore since i've left them in the sink for 3 hours today..washed them and back into the freezer.
Nak menitik air mata rasenye..

Then here i am behind the wheels, dont know where to go.
i actually packed some stuff n clothes.
In case am not coming back tonight.

7:35 PM

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Ok.
Ni Allah nak tunjuk that i was wrong.
batu je last few days rase mcm ok je nak menua sorg2 mmm ni as longs as i have means, a house, friends and family.

But maybe not so.
There'll be times like today when everyone else is accupied and i'm all alone.
there'll be times like today when i'm not that tough to be spending the day just on my own.
There'll be days like today when i'd wish i hv somebody by my side, by default when i wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night.
Days like today.

6:51 PM

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Skipped last night's dinner, then today's breakfast, lunch and probably dinner..
Maybe even tomorrow's breakfast.
Testing my limits.

6:40 PM

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Why do i keep posting every other minute?

Because i so need somebody to talk to but i cant because no one is around to talk to abt this..and besides i sound like a really bad person about this.

So here i am lashing it here hoping no one related wud read but i still get to let these stress out...

6:38 PM

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Rase mcm nak walk in mane2 hotel mlm ni, so that esok pagi leh bekpes buffet sedap2, xyah lapa mcm hr ni. Lps tu probably mood pon ok, leh chill ssmpai tghari pastu lps chack out leh terus lunch or lepak mane2.
Cos if i sty here..end up sleeping then wake up tomorrow, ade yg 2 hari jd zombie x buat ape2 not even eating.
ade jugak yg pengsan kang.

6:35 PM

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Alone and hungry.

Seyes nak nangis.
I dont wanna go out but i hv to go out eat alone or i'll pass out sbb lapar.
i hv to pretend that i enjoy eating alone when i'd rather cook and eat alone at home.
i'm trembling and my head hurts for not drinking and eating all day. I wonder for how much longer i can hold up.

...

6:22 PM

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Bored.

Seyes stress.
so xde mood nak wat any plans.
its one of those weekends i just wanna stay home. Cook,sleep, eat, watch tv..read books.

But i'm stuck in my room.
The house is crowded.
i dont mind makcik2 n kids..but when ade men around, i feel restricted.
stuck in my own room. Yg panas and kecik and well, crowded.

And i'm hungry.
baru je kuarkan stuff from the fridge td, nak masak la konon mcm xde lelaki pon, naik kejap tuptup sampai another troop, and ade lelaki.
nak masak kat dapur panas tu dgn bertudung?
forget it.
and there's no place nearby that i can lepak n eat in peace alone. Not here.
But am so not in the mood to drive 50kms to get to a place that i can do that, and spend like 30bucks on not so hearthy meal anyway.
lapar!
If only i hv someone i can just call n ask out for a meal, window shopping or movies.
Which is why it wud be nice if i can just stay home.

Jahat ke aku for feeling this way?
I'm just having a bad time and i need me time in my own place, where i can terbaring ke  terbongkang ke like i please.

4:34 PM

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Friday, March 1, 2013

Down.

Down a bit.

Got a ticket for coming late 5mins.
Stupid.

It was a heavy raining morning, cars were as slow as snails, no parking so had to park at the furthest parking area, walked in the rain as i had no umbrella, cudnt run as i was scared i might trip and fall. I knew i wud make it on time if i did, but i didnt. Walked as fast as i can in the rain.

mad at myself for not being as selamba as some other people who were also late but got away by, a)illegal parking. b)lie to the boss that they forgot their id. c)beg the boss to bagi muka made excuses.

I cant even remember when was the last time i came in late. Probably more than a year ago.
I had stuffs to say but i was already trembling, trying to hold myself back from bursting.

Seriously, i cant wait to leave this stupid place.

Feel like going to one of those donut shops, buy a dozen and eat them all up by myself, then drink a venti sized coffee, double shot without sugar. That will probably give me a headache and send me straight to bed for the next 12 hours.

4:55 PM

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Imagination.

Strange, but i'm actually imagining myself grow old..single and happy.
if i can be happy single, have the security of a home, a good career and the ability to take care of my parents..its beginning to sound ok.
not good or nice, but ok.

Maybe a little business on my own, a vacation once in a while to all those places on my wish list with nothing or no one holding me back..it might actually be ok. Even nice at times.

I used to cry at the thought of ending up alone. But i do see now that being single doesnt have to be scary.
Ending up alone isnt really a bad thing if i am happy with what i have and dont have.

One of my ways of comforting myself used to be by imagining myself going through what i wish to go through.
find somebody - be found by somebody. Get married, have kids, at least 2. Educate. retire and watch my kids grow up. Grow old with my imaginary husband who's a kind, matured man with a good  sense of humor.
i confess now, i day dream about these things.
i talk to myself out loud when i'm alone.

The trick works sometimes. Mind over matters.
but sometimes it only freaks me out realizing that the clock is thicking and i'm no where near there...

I have 9 years to go probably - before the biological clock, well..stops ticking.
After that a part of the reason of that big dream is very much gone, so there's no point rushing anymore anyway.

Sometimes i do wish that i have a more busybody family, parents that wud nag me into these things. Matchmake me even. I dont mind really. Cos i'm quite tired of it already.
That way i'd probably have the problem settled for me.
Cos honestly i really feel that maybe its just not my thing.

Pessimist or no self esteem or whatever ppl may say, its just the truth.
I have somehow stopped thinking about prospects. I deny the possibility of me with any person i may know around me for all the stupid reasons.
Because he smokes, because i'm fat, because i'm not so young, because i'm not pretty girly sweet or whatever, because he's handsome and tall and everything i like in a man, well physically. Or because he's too slow, or bad tempered, or too kind and sweet. Because i'm not his or anybody's type.
And so on.
Tell me about having low self esteem.
Tell me that no, guys do see beyond skin deep.
yeah right.
Its not that i care so much about being fat or slim.
As long as i'm healthy and fit i'm already fine.
Its just difficult not to get annoyed and sarcastic at typical men who prefer the slim, pretty, girlie, young and sweet.
I am thankful that one day hopefully, if somebody finds me attractive it will be because of my attitude and inteligence.

And as i totally believe it is jodoh in the end, doesnt matter if i find it myself or it comes to me right?

but anyhow, as it is. I dont really see it coming.
for now, this image of me growing old and free is getting clearer and clearer. It actually doesnt seem so bad. Or maybe this is just me trying to chill.
and so i've decided to prepare myself towards that.

Or is this not a good way to deal with the matter?
..will being ok with being alone actually push away prospects?
of cos i'll keep on praying, but i'm just not into any more thinking and doing anything more than that.
I'm done trying.

7:30 AM

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