sitting, waiting and wishing

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

dugaan kerja.

This year marks my 6th year working where i am now..there were ups n downs. But why do i go to the extra length of staying back,working weekends and stuff esp when i started doing 'projects' 3++ years ago?

Cos i love the job. The condition may not always be sweet, i may have this love-hate relationship with my boss, but commitment is sthg i take great pride in.

And the company (tru the bosses i guess) seems to be acknowledging that fact, Alhamdulillah so far.


But this 6th year marks the most challenging year. The new project is somewhat somehow a bit kelam kabut then the prev.one. but the main issue,my new boss.

There's history of ppl resigning because of him,esp.the girls. Maybe guys are more 'durable' somehow. Telinga tahan,hati pon kuar.

Senang ckp up to a point sampai aku fobia taknak jumpe dia kat opis,takut nak repot. Nak share problem keha,x ckp masa ke ape ke toksah ckpla.

Things got worse after blk from umrah..2 weeks of keja tertangguh sbb xde contingency plan. Keja tu slowly piled up,then clash ngan very important d/line yg mmg sama sumer org.

So end up i had to work siang malam to cover back. Literally i guess that's what i had been doing. Keja sampai 3-4 pagi. Plg awal pon midnight br balik. Sorg2 pulak tu lg la rase nak giler. Up to a point seyes rase nak jerit je. Almost mcm fahan camne org leh histeria. Seb baek iman masih kuat.


But despite all that,i think i put tru, tahan tiap2 hari,tiap2 wiken yg kena keja tu dgn harapan one day maybe ade boss lain take over ke. Worst case pon after setel dwg tgh tahun maybe kurang sket issue.


And then comes yesterday, finally we were briefed on the so called rnd transformation plan.


All hopes crashed. I got transfered to a group i'm not that familiar with, and under him.

Of all people,i was aming the unluckiest few ppl.

How cool is that. Rasenye i cried more yesterday than i had for the past few years kot.

Duduk opis trying to work tp nangis je. Mata sket2 basah. Org tanye dah mkn belum pon aku nangis. Org dtg tanye pasal the new grps on naik sebak.

Rase cam kena buang, kena campak kat tpt yg sumer org taknak.

Ade sikit nyesal tak jumpe ngan dgm pasal benda ni before the restructuring. Maybe kalau aku jumpe dia leh arrange kan aku tpt lain..tp now? Kalau jumpe pon what will happen?

sape yg nak swap tpt pon? Nanti buat sakit hati org lain je plak..


Separuh hati cam dah redha..camni kalu mmg kena cr keja lain.sbb mmg dah xleh keja kalau situation camni sbb under the restructuring, it simply means i'd be stuck under him forever.

Tp separuh hati lg sayang sgt. Aku tahan 6years build up career, akhirnya tewas jugak berenti sbb seorg manusia?

Tpt ni dah jd life..the friends esp. N byk lg benda aku nak blaja n go tru kat sini.


Bila dah desperate dan bersungguh mencari,mmg dlm minggu ni ade a few calls. Next week dah set interview kat jb. Then ade satu kat n9 under consideration. Then ptg td ade satu kat klang called...


Tp still...if leh lari drpd grp skrg seyes dptla keja mane takat gaji lebih seribu pon aku sanggup reject lg.

Tp masalhnye i'm so hopeless but nak jumpe big boss story problem ni.

Komfem banjir abes. Penah je last week cuba nak citer kat sorg boss ni. Br citer satu bab dah sebak last2 kansel.


..sememangnye yg org ckp keja la camne susah nak dpt boss yg appreciate n sanggup back tu adelah susah tu, terbukti benar.

Unless u know how to suck up the correct people. Pahit tp benar.


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tempat paling susah nak sampai dlm dunia.

Rasenye dok teringin nak gi cameron ade lah dah 3 thn kot.

Everytime ade org keliling pegi rase geram gile.

Just x konfiden nak pegi, tu je. Tpt lain berani gamble tp cameron..buatnye betul2 dtg gayat or terkandas tgh jalan, x ke naya kalau x berteman.

Ade gak 2-3kali hampir wat keja gile nak redah je..tp bab gayat ni bukan main2 nye level so end up, x jd pon.


Last month mcm tetiba menjadi plak plan nak gi cameron with a few friends. Nak dptkan fiz date tu bknnye senang so once confirmed aku terus book apartment.. just nice for 4.


Hmm..but to cut the story short, the day before the trip i had to tell my friends that i wont be going.

D/line yg sepatutnye dah due tetiba dragged x sudah, end up that wiken mmg kena keja gile2.

Dahla dah tensen gile ngan keja hari2, tambah plak getaway yg sgt dok look fwd tuh pon kena cancel..

So my friends went w/out me, sbb last minite sgt x smpt nak cancel dah.kali cancel kena charge gak c.c.

The thing is skrg ni plan la camne pon, keja nye schedule ikut suka hati dia jek. Assuming yg kita mmg xde life,leh keja 7days a week.


Sabtu tu down gile knowing that my friends were already on their way up..

Hmmm.

Apatah lg nengok gamba diorg kat sana.


A couple of times i even considered 'paying' ppl off to be my 'driving buddy' to go up there.

But i realized how lonely that wud sound,  paying for companionship and time? Thats too much even for me.


So simpan lg lah teringin ni sampai ntah bile.

Sungguh jauh rasenye nak sampai walau hakikak xde la jauh mane.

Kalau tpt landai alang ke kuala berang pon penah drive all the way sendiri.


P/s: last pegi cameron umur 11thn. School trip darjah 5.


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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

the bestfriend type?

many years ago, back in the uni, maybe during our 1st year. the guys in our batch were playing a game.
among us ( the girls in the batch), which and which wud they prefer to be their - gf/wife/bestfriend/sister/sister in law.
and well, i was apparantly the favourite to be the 'bestfriend'. not that i was suprised.
actually we played it too, stating which guy we wud prefer to be out bf/husband/bestfriend/brother and so on.

funny thing is, even now after so many years, this thing still come to haunt me, for a couple of times now.
it's almost as if guys cant see me as a potential partner material but more like a convenient friend of the opposite sex. its ok most of the times, but really i'm just buffled.

maybe i am a bestfriend material. as if i need so many of them guys as bestfriends.


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Sunday, April 22, 2012

just a thought.

‎..sometimes we fight for something only to discover by the time we get it, our goals have changed.
for some its too late, the lines have been drawn.
and the damage has been done.

but other times we get what we wanted, only to find out its not what we really need.

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Saturday, April 21, 2012

..to the person i miss and trying to undo.

I am not talking to u because it hurted.

Well it still does.

U are not talking to me bacause u dont want to give hope u know i was holding on to.

Which is maybe the wiser thing to do.


The truth is i miss talking to u, all the non-sense and the with-sense we used to do.

I miss whining to u and get witty remarks back, smtimes funny smtimes serious. Maybe i miss the serious part more.


The truth is i miss laughing at your jokes out in the open cos it's difficult doing so quietly inside.


I miss being the person that i am, the girl that i am when we're good.

The way u treat me like the person u are, even tho it was all maybe just out of favor and pitty.


The truth is the butterflies are still pretty much here.even when we're talking behind the walls and through other ppl.


Ignoring and avoiding u seems like the only thing to do..but clearly not the simplest.

I still catch a glance of u and look back for a second glance.

Ur laughs still send chills down my spine.


I used to say i wished we cud stay being friends,despite the things that happened and did not.

But i take that back now..cos we kept being friends back and forth and i kept hurting again and again. Apparantly we're so good at that.


It is still a tempting idea, to keep this feeling inside without thinking of getting it back in return. To just love without being loved back.

But for what?


My wish now is to move beyond this 'missing' part n keep u in a secret box, a reminder to never do one of the stupidest thing in a friendship.


I screwed up.


But u, u missed ur chance of knowing a person who loved u to bits. I on the other hand had nothing to loose.

So to tell the truth, i think its ur loss more than mine.


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Thursday, April 19, 2012

values.

...behind all these mess between me and work, i sense that there's always this sentiment from ppl around me,that at least there's no 'family' sacrificed in the process - spouse,kids or pets to the least.

Its almost as if i value less because i'm just myself,as if my time is less precious than those who are with families.

..as if maybe this is the reason why i am not settled with one just yet. That i wud be doing injustice to my family if i had my own.


Why am i feeling unjustified here?

Ppl with families no matter how long the day is wud go home knowing there are ppl waiting,kids to kiss goodnight eventho they're probably asleep and the comfort of a 'warm bed' - pun intended.


But for ppl like myself, after long hours of struggling to hold up at work, going back at such odd hours wud mean no social interaction with ppl, unless if u count talking to the dude behind the counter at 7e as 'interacting'.


There's no latenight pillowtalk whatsoever to let go of that day-long stress but a 'cold bed' most of the time left unmade, that often left me staring into the dark of the night feling often the worst of the day.

..longings and feelings have their creepy ways of finding their way inside my head at those hours.


So maybe, maybe if anyone thought at times like this, i wud realize for a while that i'm better off alone - they think wrong.

Because to me, its pretty much the other way around.

More than ever, i want to go home to sthg more than just a quiet room. With responsibilities more genuine than work, life will make much more sense. And surviving wud be a lot more urgent than just meeting this stupid deadline.

And maybe,maybe then i will be excused from not being a workaholic i'm turning to be.


@still at work.


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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

...

..sometimes only the four walls of the 'comfort room' understands.


Trips to the loo crying,breaking down thinking abt the impossible i hv to pull out to get work done is getting more frequent.


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Saturday, April 14, 2012

one and only

..the words say it all.

Praying that the heart moves on..


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quote

Best quote ever.


"Ada nyawa tp xde life"


Ouuchh..


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Monday, April 9, 2012

pushing it to the limit...

..keja mmg mcm ombak,ade pasang surut.ade time busy ade time free.

Tp seyes, after almost 6 years working here x penah la sampai mcm skrg ni.

Minggu ni paling teruk,start dr monday everyday keja sampai paat midnite.

Mon-1am,tues-3am,wed-1am,thurs-4am,friday-12.30am..owh it didnt stop there.

Sat- 1.30pm-8pm,sun - 12.30 - dont know yet as i am still in the office at the time of posting this. At 12am sharp, system will auto shutdown..so here i am melayan kerenah sistem plak.


Kalau dikira bp jam keja this week dah masyk 110hrs. Tidur maybe dpt abt  25hrs.


Org yg tak berada di sini mungkin kurang faham kenape perlu push diri sampai mcm ni.

Honestly aku pon x paham dah,tp terpakse..selagi x dpt keja lain. X sanggup nak terima akibat kalau output  siap even tho sememangnye mustahil.

Amazingly badan bleh bertahan,walaupon skrg rase cam nak demam..sblm collapse baik aku setelkan mane bleha..papehal tak susah org nak ganti.


Seyes. Ari ni aku ekceli bwk uniform,toiletteries sume dtg opis..as of now mcm x mustahil je kalau aku stay terus sampai pagi. Maybe just just a few hours sleep.

Drpd balik at 3am and buang masa drive pegi n blk,might as well tido je sini.


Sedih ikutkan,esp bile tinggal sesorg.

Sedih bila ingatkan bila aku bgtau boss 5 bulan lps paaal akua nak cuti 2 weeks, penuh dgn harapan yv boss akan bg back up at least utk 2 weeks tu,tp waktu tu ade gak instinct nak jd gini. Turned out mmg betul pon..dia buat2 tatau je that 2 weeks absence,so bila aku masuk opis byk yg overdua n drag step2 lain.


Worse plak tu sbb projek dah masuk bwh boss baru yg mmg tekenal dgn chengei,hard to please,n honestly x berperikemanusiaan. Sudah la expectation melampau,asyik nak condemn org..dah tu suddenly buat rules baru o.t xleh claim. An yg kena plak cuma org2 yg under approval dia utk attendance. Tu lg sedih..keja dahla melampau smmpai camni sbb nak siapkan jugak, but keja free je.


Mmg aku patut redha n ikhlas keja tp tak logik  ke nak sedih dan rase teraniaya kalau boss hati keribg mcm ni? At least kalau keja teruk tp boss acknowledge ok la sket.


Betul2 hilang hati.

Taktau sampai bila nak mcm ni. Agaknye sampai pengsan kat opis br ade org nak take action.


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Friday, April 6, 2012

constance distance.

I thought i hate u, but even from this constant distance u still make me laugh.

Imagine how beautiful it is if i dont hv to hate u( or at least pretend to)


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