sitting, waiting and wishing

Saturday, May 24, 2014


I'm being friendly with somebody, lately sejak dua menjak pandai bersembang soal lain2 dari keja masa on shift sama. Esp. since i got busy with masters application ni i noticed. He's among the few at the office who know abt it.
Masa keja skali di opis kontrol macho, but masa off we'd be on w.a sometimes for hours, and its quite cute i think that he's avoiding using any kata nama reference for himself, no 'aku'  like before. A bit awkward though ermm i'm finding myself feeling awkward referring to myself. I have never really been a 'saya' person.

And this, kinda bugs me.
Cos i dont need any more good guyfriends, I have enough. And to tell the truth having guys as good friends is complicated, later in life when they settle down and all, its not that you can call them anytime and not worry of a jealous g.f@fiance@wife anyway, unlike good girlfriends.  A women always says 'i dont mind' that her man has a woman as a bestie untill, she becomes the any-of-the-above. And i dont blame them, because things happen.
Although at times good guyfriends give me a better perspective on some things in live and can be useful advisors, I have come to adjust not having to rely on them too much.

And more importantly, this bugs me because i have gone wayyyy passed that 'trying' and 'hunting' period. I have come to tell myself again and again since the last frustrating episode few years back, that i'll stay away from being another 'good friend' or 'bestfriend' or 'casual girlfriend' that a lot of guys seem to see in me. The 'friend' material. I dont want to be the 'friend', i dont need that. If its goibg to happen, let it just happen. I want to skip that friends phase.

With this guy, the symptoms are obvious and classic, except for the part where I had never acted so how to say, lasak and man-ly? I ditched that, that tough-women act.
Keep telling myself to stay away from the possibility of another complicated heartbreaking mess cause i know just how fragile i can be, yet cant shake off that thought of 'what if this time its different?'
What if this time its not another friends for convenience type? Its still too far from finding that out, but if i do get to that then by then it will be too late and i could have already been hurt.
And the worse (or best?) thing is, he is a good prospect. Family dude, hardworking at what he's working at, kind, foody(heh) weak points.
But its even more dangerous cos i dont even know if he's s&a, cos the last time i heard he was engaged, and then x jadi..and so i dont know what happened.

Right now this is like being alergic to something, yet you keep eating it cos it's nice and u love it and pretend that you can treat yourself later when you get sick, by taking the meds.
When the truth is you dont get better with meds, you're just destroying yourself.

I know for some people this is just everyday life to them.
But not for me.
When you come to an age and stage where you are trying to convince yourself that its ok to stay single, and just enjoy life as it is but your woman instinct or mother instinct or whatever keeps bugging you with the thought about how it can be if you are on the 'other'side of the fence, panic mode sets in, and you tend to analyze every single thing. Its hard to live spontaneously.

Is it bad to feel ok with what you are  but wanting (or hoping?) for something more?

5:23 PM

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