sitting, waiting and wishing

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Angin kuskus.

Woh..badan skrg ni sungguh sensitif.
pagi ni woke up with headache and loya2..
Stayed back a bit last night, skipped dinner xde mood nak makan sorg..
Malam td pon rase angin actually..but degil x makan and letting it got worse.

Aku pon x sure why aku still dok beria pulun..maybe a part feels guilty nak tinggal keja camtu je to whoever takes my job..maybe gak a part of me just wants to savour my last moment being a design engineer - sekkeisya@設計者,that was what i was so determined to become while i was in uni.
study kat nihon kalau buat mechanical mmg that is the most common. Ye la nihon mane exposed dgn o&g ke etc. Mostly its r&d n manufacturing.
Target mmg masuk r&d mane2, sekkei benda..and i managed to do that. Clap2.
errr tho i dont think i did any much research, but i did design some things la.
and for all this while, walau mcm2 member ckp, walau kdg2 rase inferior dgn others nye keja, income etc - there are other things i cud do that wud pay more esp with japanese under my repertoire, but i fought on.
i didnt care. Maybe sbb dah terbiase start2 keja dgn tempat yg sederhana..

unlike certain ppl yg start big, beli rumah sampai kena bayar 3000 sebulan..geleng kepala. Mmg confirm xleh survive keja sini camtu.
haha. makan pasir.

It wud be nice having a nice house, but errrr, rumah besar pon dok sorg x best sgt kot hehe.
So the way i see it, semuanya berhubung kait, dah elok2 je aturannya.

..and so i never regret anything, cos at one time 'here' was exactly what i wanted and needed.
Let the devil who speaks 'kalau dari dulu lagi buat kan bagus..' go to ..err where they belong.

But maybe thats why i'm a bit sad..leaving a place u've grown so attached to, friends especially. For a social freak like me who takes forever to warm up to people, this is a challenge. Although i know it cud be a positive change.

I am sad because i am leaving not because i so wanted to, but because i am so scared at being hurt again., scared of being that vulnerable and not able to do anything. Because i cant change how things career means a lot to me as it is among other things that's real, so i cant let it bring so much negativity into my life.
My work has to work.

Maybe this new job (..cant even call it a career yet..) comes with a better pay, less headache, better location, good prospect if one is willing to work hard.
But money was never the motivation for me..what keeps playing in my head is that i dont get to be what i wanted to be anymore. Big possibility is that this marks the end of what i started doing 11 years ago..
It is so sad.

Exactly 7 years into the working world, and i finally accepted defeat in this area..
moving on to somewhere where i hopefully find something good too.

8:46 AM

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