I have given my word to officially take it or leave it.
I know what my heart says, its pretty clear i have to go with it this time
my heart is bestfriend anyway.

Though its still pretty disappointing to be so close to getting there,getting to do sthg bold and extraordinary, sthg that has the potential of becoming big in the future..
But whats the point if it doest justify the move in the first place?

the dream shattered like broken glass, but strangely i'm finding relief.
i need to celebrate, celebrate being free from the stress of finding the way out.
I have to fly smwhere.get away.

Lesson learned, i cant wait till space and time brought me somewhere..i have to create the space and time.
work is not bringing me to people and places.
So i gotta start sthg new, a new routine, sign up for sthg...meet people, make new friends.
So it will make it feel alright to stay around but not feeling so static and boring.
So i can stop spending alone boring weekends counting the hours.
so weekends will feel more fun than mondays, and evenings and nights stop being so empty, so driving back home in the evening does not make me feel so down and empty.
seriously, going back home at the end of the day really is difficult nowadays.
So i can randomly just call somebody up for a quick meal rather than go to bed hungry.

Or maybe i can learn sthg new and be useful for a cause.
There's no way i'm going back to school but there's a lot in mind.
there's tajwid that i've been thinking to study,  there's baking and stuff, there's craft and bag making..there's volunteering.
or i cud start reading again. Some serious issues i have interest on. Like the palestine-israel issue, the bin laden family, Islamic history, financial freedom...local politics etc.

Owh..gotta make a point to start finding out and understanding how to and how much to buy a house. I reaxmd it here and there but i'm still blurr. I mean how much cash i gotta have in hand..i still dont get how the hell do i pay a 10% d.p for a lets say, 250k home, if that is even affordable. I know there's epf money i can take out but do i get to take it before the big d.p? If thats the case than maybe there's hope. If not, i am too scared to even start hunting. If i gotta have the cash first before epf can be drawn, i dont think it wud be even possible. There's no hole to korek anywhere..thats not even considering how much i can commit to it monthly..there's still car loan, personal and family commitments.

Besides i am a sucker of anything processy and protocally. I hate waiting. i hate going through aplications, meeting people here and that..lawyers? Agents?
if only i can just pay somebody to do everything.

But as it is, can no longer wish i wont have to deal with the process on my own. Gotta figure out a way to do it and hopefully get it done next yr if possible since well, as it turned out i will be sticking around here for more years to come.

Maybe it will be nice, having a nice small home.
If possible, it will have to be fresh and new. I hate second hand stuff.
Doesnt have to be big, dont want it to be big.
as long as the location is ok, no traffic chaos, not to far from civilization, easy for my parents to come and a safe environment for me to come and go and live in with no worries.
Space ia not priority, as big space wud only emphasize how empty it is.

I'm used to making my own decisions.
Think my parents have let me be my own decision maker as early as primary school.
I chose my school, my class, schooltrips, my course of study, where i live, where i go. Its always been my own decisions and consequences.
i dont go to them for opinions..i normally just tell them when i'm decided.
they dont tell to not do one thing if its dangerous, they tell me to be careful.
Being my own decision maker, i dont know if that makes me bad or good, but its made me wise. Smtimes i made a wrong one, but then i get to learn from it.

But at times i do wish i dont have to make the decision all by myself. When its difficult to decide over sthg, normally split between the head and the mind, i wish somebody wud say sthg that will make it easier, or make me feel better to follow my heart.
Because sometimes i know what my heart says, but my head is playing funny.
My heart is one vote, my head is another. So its a tie.

I need a third vote. A tie-breaker.
Between being ambitious, or being intuitive and safe.

I love babies, i love kids.
and while masih belum ada rezeki utk dipanggil 'ibu', Alhamdulillah ada seorg anak buah dan beberapa org anak buah 'angkat' yg buleh dimanja dan dispoil sama.

The good thing about being an auntie, is i get to spoil them whenever and however i want. I get to say yes to whatever they say, and be known as the cool aunty.
and amazingly i never feel annoyed at the tantrums. Never have to worry abt spoiling them.
They hv their parents already worrying 24/7 if they are having too much sweets or tv and lately, ipad or tab.
so i get to be the aunty who can give them that.
Senang citer, i just cant say no  :)

Being the cool aunty is the closest i can get to them at the moment. The joy when a kid knows/calls me by name or kiss me bye2  after a meeting is the closest i can feel.

Holding my nephew or any of the other kids closely, it crosses my mind everytime, what if this was my own?
wud i feel any more love & joy than that?
Because if being the parents makes one feel warmer and greater and more worried than that, what i can feel now is probably just a friction of it.

Wud there be a day that i get to be more than the cool aunty?

Ok maybe patut beli dan pakai lg byk tudung kaler kuning..ade org kata nampak 'cantik' dgn tudung kuning.
maybe ceria yg dimaksudkan saya rasa.

P/s: kecik2 dulu pantang pakai kuning sakit kuning teruk masa baby sampai kena simpan lam bilik doktor..hidup lg x agaknye doktor tu?
Tetiba.

Tweeted by a friend:

Doa untuk yg berseorangan

Ya Allah, jika benar2 ditakdirkan aku bersendirian hingga ke akhirnya, jadikanlah aku benar2 larut dan tenggelam dalam keagungan cintaMu.. أمين يارب لعالمين

It feels like dejavu. The long waiting period gave me time to think and think and to be honest its really becoming not real. At times i wud have that instincts that its not happening. The excitement had also worn off.

Perhaps it is not happening. Some suprisingly new development that wud force me to reconsider everything.

But whats more suprising is how i almost feel relieved by it.
Maybe its not meant to be.
Next time maybe i'll be more ready.

Ok now can plan for everything i want to do next yr!
Vacation2!
cameron, seam reap, vietnam or tokyo?
Maybe its time to start the solo-traveling series i've been thinking.

Been down with sore throat and bad cough.
lately getting sick like this selalu coincide with one of my mood swings.
slept for 5 hours yesterday afternoon+evening after taking the meds, which probably was what i needed as i'm beginning to have trouble sleeping again lately..

Stress is eating me. And i am fighting back.

I offed my phone the whole day..and not a single sms/misscall by end of the day.
awesome!i am invisible!

Its 2.35pm and i haven't been out of the room for the day. At all. I need to eat, i need a cooler space, i need to iron work uniforms..but i've been locked up in the room since i went to bed last night.

I'm sorry i dont feel comfortable doing all my chores around the house in all the havoc and chaos.
Serious am wishing for my space right now.
and i'm hungry. Supposed to go for another open house today but am putting off the idea cos i've got nothing to wear that doesnt need ironing..and the iron is downstairs.

Its hot in the room. And i'm so hungry i can eat a horse. I cant watch another season of grey's anatomy in this heat and feeling this hungry.
And i'm feeling bad for feeling this. I sound like a bad person feeling like this.

3 weeks after the raya break, still x dpt official letter. One one hand, exciter nak dpt. Tp on another, berdebar giler. Everytime masuk email dlm account yg aku guna special for only a few purposes, nervous giler.
tatau sama ade dah ready nak tender ke..plus, also been thinking it wud be nice if can postpone report for duty untill january.
Leh dpt bonus  :)
Thats y malas follow up, since last time mmg diorg ckp its confirmed.
but being asked again and again by ppl around, i needed an answer as to why its taking too long too..so i checked with them a few days ago. Was told some relevant head of dept.is not available to sign now so maybe next week.
Perfectly fine with me.
delay lg 2 bulan pon bagus! Ade can tunggu bonus..buy then lambat2 kang sana nye bonus first half plak x dpt nanti. Aiya.

Sejak pas raya hr tu mcm ade terfikir-fikir nak ajak kawan2 baik opis gi trip mane2 lps2 dah setel raya ni.
dah lama x beraktiviti ke berjalan mane2. Dah jauh nanti jgn haraplaa dah..
Sgt teringin nak ajak diorg gi tpt yg aku sgt teringin tp x berani nak pegi tu lah. Apsal la payah sgt nak pegi kan..padahal ni dah elok2 dok otw ke arah utara. Asyikla telan air liur bila dgr org sekeliling pegi.
Nanti dah pindah ke selatan  makin jauhler.
Tp ermm..bukan masalah pon jauh dkt nye.

but now dah abes raya dunno la plan menjadi ke tak..
Seems like a far catch.

I never for even once think that having a special person in my life is the answer to everything, i am used to doing everything. I can go everywhere ( except the highlands) altho i get lost once in a while but still i can handle. some ppl i see always have somebody in their lives, sometimes like changing clothes that they end up being so dependant. or maybe they are destined to be like that because they are not independant? So they always need smbody watching over them? if not they will just stay one place and not moving? Its hard to decide which causes what.

I dont want to be that.
but i'm simply just tired of being alone and strong. I need to be able to be weak and not fall cos there's somebody watching after me.
i need to be able to still drive places but not cry in the car alone when i get lost and dont know where i was..i need to be able to go places i am scared to go. I need to be able to get sick and not worry that if something happen to me while i'm alone nobody will iimmediately notice.
At some points i wud tell myself that if i had the money nothing wud be a problem, i can just pay ppl for anything. And that is just sick. There are things i just cannot buy. And ironically those are the things i really want in life.

I'm just tired of being alone at those moments i need somebody. And i'm just scared that my mind is turning sick.

Just a few days ago, as i was having a bad day..feeling all moody, and guilty for feeling moody..huh..not even in the mood for jokes, when smbody made a really stupid joke that was so funny and hillarious i just burst into laugh. It was a few seconds of magic when i felt the burden in my chest just cleared a bit.
it struck me like a punch in the face realizing how effective laughing is to turn over the blues.

Unfortunately all i do when i'm stressed out is pushing ppl away..i cant expect ppl to put up with my shit, right?
Even the closest person cud go away...which makes it even more sad.
its so obvious i need to laugh to heal. I need somebody to make me laugh. I miss having somebody who makes me laugh.
But how long untill that person finally give up?
And i cant pretend my face or mouth as i'm always lousy at pretendingat. an  i tend to say things that offend ppl so i'll normally just shut up. Which i realize is just equally irritating and mengada-ngada.

I realize that i'm just being selfish, that i've probably annoyed everyone who matter.
Maybe i really need to learn how to tickle myself, and laugh. And laugh like mad.

Crying sometimes help too..and i need no practice at that, i can do it alone for hours.
but laughing doesnt hurt and feels a lot nicer.
So is it a bad thing to be a person who needs others to make me smile and laugh?

Pen Patah: Apabila Timbul Perasaan Suka Pada Seseorang

Ape agaknye perasaan org xde kaki bila org yg normal komplen penat berjalan.

Rase kesian ke rase cam nak sepak?

Just a thought.

Cameron Highlands Bus Service Schedule

Dunno if this is safe, but sounds like an option.

Rase sgt beremosi dah masuk hari ke 4.
Ade sweet friends yg tanye what the issue is and i'm truly grateful.
But i cant say and & i cant tell as i'm struggling with myself to make this go away.
Its just sthg that i've been wanting to do for as long as maybe 2-3 years, just cudnt get to it..finally almost made it few months ago when some friends volunteered but had to cancel at the vr2 last minute because of work.
I've talked abt it to almost everyone that are close..some small talk and random promises and plans here and there but plans never come to actually happen.
Its just my habit of taking sthg so seriously when others are maybe saying them casually.
And saying it outloud again now only sounds even more pathetic.
Thats why for now i'm trying to keep it...its not good to make others feel obliged to please me. I know everyone have their own personal, more important stuff to handle.
I'm supposed to be able to handle this myself and just do everything on my own.
But this whole thing of trying to memujuk myself and clear my conscience is just eating me up..but hopefully will be over soon.

Sedih dan sensitif.
Ade benda kalau dah teringin sgt tp sendiri x mampu nak buat or dptkan mmg cpt je mengundang sebak bile org lain buat@dapat..

Not talking abt benda2 besar mcm kawen ke dpt baby ke, yg tu smhow ok je to genuinely share the excitement.

But simple random things that i just cant do on my own..simply awkward to do alone or maybe not brave enuff or just simply scared to do.
Apparantly my courage has its limit.

I know there are pros n cons of being single or married. I love my freedom and all. But i envy ppl who go home everyday to have the company of loved ones. Kids especially.
More and more..being single and not having anyone who care enuff abt u to walk with u when u want to do the one thing that u're scared of but just long to do..just sucks.

As always, i'm always the big sister, and the ctr  pillar to lean on.
I pose a smile each time tho i'm lousy at it just so ppl wont say i'm unfriendly.
No one really notice that this pillar is smtimes falling.

..i will make sure to keep my distance
Say i love you when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up?

I will make sure to keep my distance
Say i love you when you're not listening
How long till we call this love..?