sweet and bitter

takde tajuk

2012-01-28T09:54:00.000+08:00

lanjutan episod sakit perut+constipation, smlm ke opis jugak walaupon ikutkan sakit lagi teruk dari kames. karang ade org kata ngada2 plak. esp. biler dgr ari kames tu ade benda2 meletup kat opis. biase lah opis tu asal nak wiken jek ade jek nak meletup. tah pape.

nway, as expected its happening again. everybody's (the management) getting panic over sthg they shud hv sat down and discussed about a million years ago. sudddenly decided on sthg arpund afternoon, let us know in the evening and expecting some output and preparation for some inter departments, with local and japan members on monday. in other words, org bodo pon leh faham la maknenye kena la sacrifice wiken dtg keja.

of all weekends. this is the weekend i'm expecting to chillax and obviously not work, and yet? paling tak tahan the way they handle it, like its a common thing to squeeze and put us to work long hours on weekends with such short notice, all because of poor planning and management. serious la weyy..
coincidently the birthday party i was supposed to go today noon was cancelled, the host family got sick, not very well...but xdelah aku nak spend the day keja pulak kan. actually ade lagi 2-3 benda yg x setel, yg nak kena gi beli la ape lah..so i cud use some time off la this wiken.

the whole thing seyes buat aku stress giler, sampai sakit kepala. mmg dah sampai tahap hopeless la tu nak mengadap pc pon xleh, rase nak nangis jek. dah tu dah pukul 5.45pm camtu br panggil meeting, konon2 explain ape expectation diorg. Ya Allah, time tu pon mata dah rase berair-air, tekak dah perit2 menahan..
apsal la mcm ni jadi nya. bukannye first time dok dlm project, mmg biase dah kena tekan camni tp it seems to begetting worse.

so end up stay back jugak untill 8pm..dan yg paling best giler2, akhirnye akak ni bukak citer, smlm waktu aku m.c tu, ade lah bos K carik aku nye keja ( dan aku la), pastu bos I jawab dgn smartnye..
'f.h takde..m.c sakit perut katanye. haa tu pon satu katanya smlm dah sakit, tp ari ni baru tetiba nak m.c pulak..'

Ya Allah..ape lagi la yg org tua ni tak puas hati ei!! aku m.c sehari je pon bukan seminggu. yg aku ade kat opis berpuluh hari ko buat dek jek tak peduli pon ape keja kitorg buat tu menda??ingat sakit2 ni buleh nak on ke off ke? sumpah naik darah sungguh dgr camtu rase cam nak menjerit pegi carik dia jugak time tu, naseb baek dia dah balik.

Sumpah, aku akan ingat sampai bila2, and bila masa aku akan make sure aku ckp benda ni pada dia or pada sesiapa lah, baru dia sedar yg mulut dia tu dah byk menyakitkan dan menganiaya org.

Bercakap serupa org yg tak pernah sakit. padahal baru jek last jumaat dia m.c la konon. m.c apsal? pasal stress agaknye, nak escape management meeting. agaknye sbb dia suka gunakan m.c tu utk larikan diri, so dia ingat SEMUA org pon camtu. bangang sgt, tak padan ngan org umur dah nak dkt 40, dah ade anak 3.

Takpe..aku teraniaya...
satu masa dia akan tahu langit tinggi atau rendah. Buat masa ni aku berdoa sebagai org yg teraniaya, Allah bagi petunjuk dan hidayah padahal manusia malang tu. dia ada ramai anak buah yg ready je nak support, sanggup sacrifice masa utk personal dan keluarga tp support dia, kalau dia pandai handle. tp dia pilih utk layan anak2 buah dia macam kuli.

ok dahh..

now getting ready to go work believe it or not. buat la ape patut. agak2 boring, leh update resume kat opis. seyes nak apply gila2 lps ni. balik umrah leh start gi interview ke ape ke.

esok pon since takde ape plan pon, somehow aku takut nak ajak org buat plan, takut org x free, kena reject nanti sedey. so baik aku dok diam jek..
might end up going to the office anyway..

stress..

2012-01-26T21:14:00.004+08:00

..biler aku stress, sama ada pasal keja or pasal masalah peribadi ke, effect pada badan selalunya sgt obvious. demam tu jarangla, selalunya dia attack perut. sakit perut, angin2, membuang2...selalunye lah.
kali ni lain mcm sket, instead of membuang2, susah plak nak membuang. in other words, constipation! or dlm bahasa melayunye 'sembelit'!
aduyai..utk org yg sgt regular, selalu everyday leh melepas, biler sudddenly 3 hari sangkut ( esok masuk 4 hari), mmg la sthg wrong. aku suspect sbb wiken ari tu balik kampung byk makan nasi minyak kurang makan sayur, maybe kurang minum air gak. pastu lebih minum kopi lam minggu lepas sbb stress office. pastu sbb stress keja. pastu x byk exercise lam sebulan dua nih. amek, mmg sumer faktor ade.
ari ni m.c, gi klinik kena bebel pasal pemakanan.
dokter, saya tau sumer tau...bukannye selalau sgt sembelit ni, sekali-sekala la biler terleka atau bila faktor2 kat atas tu bertimpa-timpa. tp kalu dah jadi gini, makan pisang satu tandan pon mcm dah xde effect. xyahla lecture soh makan pisang la prune la bla2.
hish..geram jugak ekceli. kang kalau aku layankan sampai seminggu kang sampai jd keras terus kang tak ke naya. hish..
constipation ni mmg common problem, takat sket2 xde hal..tp bahaya kalau dipaksa tanpa dilembutkan stools terlebey dahulu - bole menjadi penyebab buasir ye. ni bukan aku ckp, dokter td jugak yg ckp. abeh tu lg mau bebel.

ni stuill tensen sbb dah stgh hari makan ubat still xde effect. setiap sejam masuk toilet tp gagal gak. aaa tensen.

tambah lg tensen biler dpt tau ade benda2 giler sedang berlaku dan bakal berlaku kat opis. hish org nak sakit pon x senang. komfem esok double stress.

kalau la mak abah org senang, or savings aku ade byk riban lg, x byk commitment nak bayar biler cukup bulan, nak je benti immediately, balik kampung dok umah sambil tu carik keja...seyes the thought is tempting.
right now cuma leh usaha apply to as many places possible and doa that ade yg sangkut. x dpt byk, asal naik sket2 jadik laa..
sebelum aku jadik giler dan bengong kat sini..

research research...

2012-01-24T11:14:00.001+08:00

aku mmg ade pe'el biler aku nye otak dok preoccupied by some thoughts, satu hari kejanye asal ade masa jek dok layan google. kagus gak owh dgn google ni, benda2 pelik pon leh jumpe kat google.
haha..
dulu time berperang ngan cikti kat umah, kat google la jumpe petua2 pelik, kelakar dan x lupa yg menyakitkan hati ~
time ade masalah kesihatan pon, kat google la nak dpt explanation and tips.

sehari dua ni dok giler google pasal cameron. bukan pasal tpt2 mau gi kat cameron, itu mmg bertahun lepas dah research..tp lebey pada check out pasal jalan nak naik atas tu.
almaklum lerr org gayat, aku leh laytan lg kalu kena drive 10 jam pon asalkan jalan landai.tp bile jalan berbukit ni ade sket ngeri la..jalan ke genting sempah ikut jalan dlm batang kali tu pon aku dah nak mabuk, jalan karak pi kuantan pon rase cam melayang, ni lagi lkah kalau naik tanah tinggi..
tp org dok ckp jalan simpang pulai ni ok - ok incomparison to jalan tapah la katanye. tp still xleh imagine.
luas ke sempit tu belakang citer, tp yg bikin gayat adalah 'kecuraman' bukan 'kesempitan' la ekceli..

smlm google image, aaaaa dok kuar byk gambo eksiden. hmpphhh..lg lah tambah gayat :(

but seyes..dah 2-3 tahun teringin nak gi cameron, tunggu org asek x jadik je, ni rase dah membuak-buak, rase cam nak wat keja gamble jek drive naik bila2 randomly dlm masa seminggu dua sebelum bulan 2 nih.
for the time being i'm keeping my jan 29th free and open, tunggu mood hari tu nak buat ape...
manela tau kalau terkumpul courage leh la try kot. larikan diri, wat keja tak berapa giler.

kata hikmat...

2012-01-21T09:04:00.001+08:00

nukilan dari sahabat yang cukup memberi kesan...

Jangan marah ketika kau memberi tetapi tak berbalas, kerana disanalah tersimpan makna "ketulusan".
Jangan membenci disaat hatimu disakiti, kerana disanalah tersimpan makna "kesabaran".
Meski dirasa sakit dan mengoyak rasamu, saat yang kau lakukan tidak dihargai, dilihat dan diterima, tapi Yang Maha Esa tak pernah berpaling darimu.

...kadang2 mmg sukar untuk sabar dan berdiam, tapi bilka terpaksa?

hasutan hati tak boleh dibiarkan menang berkali-kali.

janji aku pada diri, biar mungkin kan jatuh lagi esok hari..

lawan air mata!

2012-01-17T21:38:00.000+08:00

mmg x berbaloi gugurkan air mata utk org yang tak tahu menghargai.

lawan dan lawan lagi. walau gugur jugak setitis dua.
sampai sakit kepala dan sakit perut ( stress?? x makan??) tp malas nak buat ape2...bukan masa yg sesuai utk pegi makan sesorg time camni, lagi bikin depressed.

still nak kontrol macho pretend yg aku ok jekk kan..

baik tido je, mungkin bleh hilang perasaan yg mcm ribut.

jangan ade benci?

2012-01-17T21:34:00.000+08:00

marah, sedih dan sakit hati. tp tak boleh nak lepas, tak boleh nak ckp ape2. mmg insyaAllah cuba nak maafkan, tp hati menjerit-jerit nak dia tahu yang aku marah. aku sedih. dan aku mahu memahami.

orang lebih mudah menyuruh aku biarkan luncai terjun dgn labu2nya dan tika marah memuncak memang itu mudah, tp bila marah sudah luntur, yg berbaki hanya sedih dan kecewa, hati mula berpusing-pusing cuba memahami. benda2 yg dia buat yang dah malas nak citer..memang sgt x berbaloi utk sedih atau marah.

tp aku bukan malaikat.

Memang aku minta dibuangkan rasa itu jauh2. memang aku minta diberi petunjuk dan jalan tentang dia. memang aku minta diberi pengganti dalam hati ini, pengganti yang lebih baik. supaya hati lebih tenang dan bahagia.

Ya Allah berikanla kekuatan hati dan ketenangan jiwa, sama ada dengan aku bersendiri atau ada yang menemani. Amin.

tak sekali-kali aku minta utk diberi perasaan benci, yang mungkin datang untuk menguji..

when silence is not gold.

2012-01-10T23:52:00.001+08:00

work was as usual today..but i'm a little distracted.
mmg skrg ni dah sort of berpatah arang berkerat rotan lah dgn mr.z..takde pape yg kasik meletup pon, but it was only natural. not that i didnt try to be just friends, i just cant. and especially after knowing apa yg dia sanggup nak buat semata-mata to send the message that he's not interested, rather than being a gentleman n speak things out, betul2 buat aku serik and tawar hati. mmg silap aku kot sumer tu tp i thot i gotta try kan? because u're so demm slow anyway.

but well mcm ade satu makcik ni advice baru2 ni, lelaki ni jgn tunjuk sgt kita suka kat dia. nanti dia naik lemak, perasan sgt saham dia tinggi. rasanye mmg sgt betul la ckp makcik tu..sgt betul! makcik, saya akan jadikan nasihat makcik ni as azimat. pasni xyah nak sebok2 memancing ikan kalu mau makan siakap tiga rasa, gi beli kat pasar jek or makan ayam lagi bagus!
sumpah pasni aku x buat dah. jgn risaulah lelaki2 perasan di luar sana tu. saya akan jadik wanita pasif dan tak heran lelaki dah. baik saya herankan diri sendiri, family, duit, amal ibadat dan kerja je skrg nih.

so i guess thats what he wants anyway kan. silence? see, its not that difficult to make me let you go - just be a jerk. or pretend to be at least.

so we cant be bestfriends or even friends. since we work in the same office, actually even in the same project, i'm trying hard not to let personal issues effect our work.
but apparantly he's doing the opposite.
ingat lagi a few months ago when i had trouble at work with my boss because i missed a meeting, that was a short notice one...he was actually in the office at his place, knowing that the meeting was already going on. he must've noticed when i left the office, but instead of letting me know abt the meeting he just let me leave. which caused me the trouble. tp waktu tu aku xnak la salahkan org..maybe aku yg x alert ngan sekeliling.

it happened again and again after that..whenever there's new info i wud be lucky enuff to overhear things from their conversations, sometimes maybe spoken loud enuff so that i cud hear him without him actually saying anything to me. its ok, i cud handle that, as long as i get to know what i'm supposed to know.
he even kept quiet once abt some data i was supposed to check, untill two days later when the boss came and ask me.
i almost blurted at the boss when he made noise abt why i havent checked the data..but hold my tounge just in time so that i dont end up making things awkward for everyone.
i somehow found a way to block him away from my system.

..then today, the 'bigger' and 'scarier' boss asked him to collect drawings from all p.i.cs early in the morning, and he actually 'conveniently' did not tell me abt it! so happen today one member was on leave because the daughter is admitted for viral fever, one is hardly around the workstation because she already resigned and is now only waiting for her last day..some other members work at different areas..
so well there was no opportunity for me to 'overhear' things...
untill suddenly almost noon, this other dude asked why i seem so relax and asked whether i've plotted my stuff that the boss asked for..

what stuff?
only then i knew abt the submission.
dangggg...rase mcm kuar asap kot telinga.

luckily my work was so-so ready to be printed and submitted..at least at this stage.
what if i was doing some major revision or sthg??!and suddenly the boss ask for it then? and i cant submit because it was such a mess? how??!

hmm..sedey gakla. cenggitu skali ke??
come on la, its not that aku leh jatuh cintan blk pon bgtau benda2 keja ni. jelek sgt nak bercakap, rasa cam suara ko mahal sgt nak bg aku dgr tu, gitau la cara lain. email bleh, sms bleh...oklah email la baru nampak cam official kan. nak buat ayat skema mcm aku tak kenal ko,ko x kenal aku pon tak apa. bajet hensem la plak.
cos i dont give a demm abt you dah..seyes sumpah tak tahan punye geram. perlu ke nak pulaukan soal2 keja ni..nak bagi aku kena marah lg? dpt sms boss mcm harem lagi? pastu tensen nangis2 3-4 hari sbb stress keja lagi?

kut ye lah kalau pon xnak assume aku as kawan pon, sampai tahap gitu ke punya phobia? tak cukup jd jerk jek?
nak aniaya org plak?

stupid men and their egos shud all go..ermm wherever lah.

saya x kata sumer men camni. cuma yg spesies stupid perasan hensem camni jek.
:(

muhammad ilyas b.mohd firdauz

2012-01-10T23:11:00.000+08:00

salams!
hehe..oya obachang mode is officially on!
introducing our new hero, muhammad ilyas b.mohd firdauz.
klasik x nama? mudahan2 menjadi anak yg soleh dan manusia yg berguna kpd agama, bangsa dan negara ~
so saya sudah officially jadik makcik. additional pada 3 org anak buah angkat - 3 girls of my best-bestfriends amal&c.yam, now i hv a nephew!
now baru berusia 4 hari yek

owh, panggilan saya?sudah tentu lah Ciklong seperti yg dirancang hehe..lama2 rase cam seswai jek Ciklong tuh. pastu yg lelain pon ngengada tiru nak cikde and acik plak haha.
takpe ye baby ilyas, skang panggil Ciklong jek, nanti Ciklong dah ehem ehem kita convert jadik Maklong yek? ok? hehe :p

sempat gomol baby ilyas ni satu hari jek dr sabtu ke ahad. sbb dia lahir dah agak besar (3.85kg) seronok je pegang, x rase fragile sgt. siang baik jek byk tido..skali malam wah2, abes satu rumah xleh tido bukan takat ummi abah dia jek yg berjaga sbb dia dok bangun dan nangis nak susu every half an hour!
pastu asek poo je keja..rupanye newborns mmg kerap poo, alkisahnye.

ahad around 3.30pm dah keluar dari bangi, nganto adik ke TBS, kena balik sesorg pulak dia ke BP, sbb mak suddenly decide nak stay tunggu ummi ilyas dpt green light dr doctor utk balik kampung..ade follow up check up la plak.
hari ni akhirnya baby ilyas with ummi, abah dan makwe nye dah selamat balik kampung.
nampaknye kena tunggu sampai cny break la br leh jumpe n gomol2 lagi.

InsyaAllah kalau ummi n abah ilyas nak buat doa selamat ke aqiqah ke time tu blehla Ciklong join venture sekali wat doa selamat, sempena sebelum the february soul searching trip and kesyukuran sbb upgraded itu hari.

mata sepet sgt~

tido..

tido jugek..

tido lagi...

tido lahi oowh..

yezza finally ilyas in action! baru pas mandi ni ekceli ~

happy january!

2012-01-07T09:07:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah! Januari tahun ini yg bermula dengan kegembiraan dan rahmat-Nya.
i always love january. maybe its the spirit it brings with it. or maybe cos its the month of my birthday? hehehe..no matter what the number, i love celebrating getting another year older. despite i may say usually. tp down sgt2 bersyukur dipanjangkan usia satu tahun lagi.

i stepped into the new year feeling refreshed and calm. cant wait to face new challenges and to realize my dreams and hopes i have for these couple of years. no nonsense new year celebration whatsoever. spent the weekend with bestfriend n family for her birthday as usual, then back to work.

only to be suprised with a great news a few days into the new year. the announcement for upgrading and promotion is a bit early this year, suprisingly to everyone.
i was excited for a few ppl around me who i was pretty sure would be upgraded. seronok kawan2 upgrade, leh pow diorg banjer makan. haha~
selalunye org upgraded mmg akan rasa sgt happy, they'll be sgtla murah hati heh.

the announcement was done in front of everyone in the departmement, starting from the bottom-up.
so mmg org2 yg expected akan naik tu sah la naik, tho ade gak yg tercicir, bukan rezeki dia agaknye.
sampai turn my grade nye group i was actually busy chatting with smone beside me, making analysis abt this and that, and suddenly i heard my name being called.
Alhamdulillah, the the biggest joy sometimes comes when we least expect it. tho not the kind of suprise i am hoping this year, i'm grateful.
tho still a long to go, and being in P2 its still not that much compared to my peers elsewhere, it brings a great sense of accomplishment.
whether its anough to get me going another year is a different story. hajatnye this year nak improve monthly income, so that bertambah confidence level utk achieve other things in life and contribute more for my family, parents especially.

one thing at a time i guess. for the time being january still is the month to celebrate.

owh ya, another happy news, i am officially a real aunty now to a chubby baby boy!! still unnamed, safely delivered yesterday at hospital serdang around 2.30pm. Alhamdulillah my sister n the baby is healthy, cant wait to see and and play2 today. heh mcmla bleh play2 lg pon. perasaan gembira tu xleh nak explain camne tho memula rase mcm speechless and so full of emotion. kalau mcm nilah gembira menjadi makcik, tak dpt dibayangkan gembira menjadi ibu.
Satu lagi doa dan harapan yang harapnya akan nampak jalannya tahun ini.

amiinn.

rindu yang ajaib

2012-01-07T08:49:00.002+08:00

Subhanallah..didatangkan mimpi berada dlm Masjidilharam malam tadi dan melihat Kaabah.
Ajaib bila rindu pada sesuatu yg belum pernah kita kenal atau jumpa...

mungkin sbb seminggu dua ni mmg hati dan perasaan tu macam dah terpanggil-panggil, mambuak-buak. tak sabar sgt rasanya nak tunggu tarikh keberangkatan. sambil buat persediaan fizikal, dalam risau2 lutut x cukup baik utk mendaki safa dan marwa, sambil risau kalau rohani tak cukup bersedia..byk yang masih perlu dipersedia especially bab rohani. Moga dikuatkan imah dan semangat, dipanjangkan hidayah dan dimakbulkan doa untuk ke sana.

Amin.

kenapa saya x suka jumpe doktor?

2011-12-29T20:38:00.002+08:00

aha..sy mmg jarang demam. atau mungkin kalau demam pon sy buat2 x demam sbb x suka jumpe doktor. haha. tp thn ni byk gak berlaku tpakse jumpe doktor sbb bukan sakit yg boleh ditahan-tahan. atau sbb kena bebel dgn doktor waktu buat medical check up, doktor bising biler tgk buku klinik kompeni tu kosong x pena guna..kantoi dah 5 thn x jumpe doktor. semenjak tu diserang plak sakit gigi, demam dan yg terbaru, injured lutut sampai kena ke spital lg. kelmarin saya ke klinik. bukan sbb sakit tp utk dptkan suntikan megelakkan sakit. eh caner tu? cucuk vaksin lerr. mcm budak2 kena cucuk ikut jadual tu kan? bezanye budak2 kat bonto*. saya naseb baek cucuk kat lengan jek. huhu. amek suntikan meningitis moningoccocal( x sure ejaa betoi dak ~). baru tau yg nak masuk arab saudi wajib ade vaksin ni. kalau haji plak, biasenye jemaah amek extra jab utk cholera la dan lain2. doktor x pulak advise amek yg lain2 tu so saya amek mengitis jekla. mahei rupanye dkt rm150. selalu cucuk sumer kat gomen atau kompeni cover, ni br tau rupanye mahal vaksin2 ni. doktor pesan mungkin akan demam..aku rase doktor patut xyah ckp aaa...sbb dia menyebabkan aku concious je sehari dua ni. tetiba rase nak demam haha. pastu lawan plak ngan durian mlm ni hehe..bijak2. insyaAllah ok kot, kalu nak demam biasenye sehari lps cucuk tu la kot..sabtu ni insyaAllah mau ke kelas anjuran Andalusia (ziarah, umah'&haji agensi), stgh hari je pon kelasnye, ni dok mengumpul soklan2 nak tanye kat ustad. tetiba rase cam dah dkt jek nak gi. esp. lps housemate balik dr haji seronok dgr citer dia, buat jd tambah excited menunggu tarikh keramat utk saya pulak. Ya Allah semoga dipermudahkan 40hari menjelang tarikh itu dan diterima taubat hamba-Mu ini. amin.

krismas wiken update - 1

2011-12-28T07:40:00.002+08:00

krismas wiken yg lps ended up x ke mane pon. sabtu pagi2 bgn terus online check agoda.com n booking.com. hampeh jek..berlambak plak available rooms kat pangkor n cameron. jahat aa diorg ni nampak sgt diorg simpan bilik nak bg harga naik! hmphhhh. sabtu, adalah hari yg paling bosan. dok umah the whole day berperang ngan washing machine rosak. hampeh tol...mmg feeling mandom abes. nak gi mane2 pon xde idea. risau nak ke mane2, sbb manusia ni( ke saya jek?) kalu bosan gi sopping ade tendency utk hilang self-control. haha. same gak kalu shopping dlm keadaan lapar. nafsu tinggi jek. so elakkan drpd ke shopping mall dlm keadaan bosan atau/dan lapar. nway, slps sabtu yg mandom, saya berjaya menjadikan ahad saya smwhat berisi dgn xtvt. xtvt memuaskan perut(makan!!) dan menyegarkan badan ( spa!!). itu saya akan story mory dlm entry seterusnya, ade gambar nak share tp x smpt transfer pon lg. so skip saturday. sunday, woke up in bangi at sister's place. mak n adik pon ade situ, they got there on saturday. so ahad tu gi market, masak2(mak yg masak of cos) dan lepak umah je..petang ahad br gegas ke ou, ade barang nak beli, mmg end up beli itu jek. dah lama x shopping lain2 tu mcm dah lost touch. haha. tetiba jd kedekut. bagus2. maghrib gerak ke the curve lak, ade makan2 dinner with a few colleagues. after a lengthy discussion of where n what, we decided to hv dinner at the italianies. big2 dinner that is. ade 4 coples plus kids n saya sorg je single mingle. huhu..ok je dgn diorg ni, tho ade la gak moments rase cam out of place. esp whe ppl start talking abt babies, nurseries, schools..etc. and even tho dah xde tekanan perasaan biler terpaksa be on the same table with the guy yg pernah mengusik perasaan dulu2, owh plus the wife n the kid ye. ingat lg i said once to him waktu we had our closure talk sort of, that it was difficult for me then, but maybe, maybe we'll be ok again, maybe i cud try to know his wife. we probably cant be bestfriends like we used to be, but deep down i know the reason why i got close to him before was because he was good as a friend so it's such a waste to cut all ties. so i guess yes, the time did come. its not that bad in the end..u hurt urself a bit along the way smtimes, but got a few more friends in the end. it sucks at time seeing how ppl move on with their lives. a lot seems to change every year for them, leaving me feeling like i'm on a standstill, but if that.s what to be of me, then i hv to accept and find a way of dealing with it and enjoy life the way i can. its a continuous but worth it struggle towards a complete me.

krismas wiken part 0 - seafood lunch & serenity spa session ~

2011-12-26T11:52:00.003+08:00

..so after a day terperuk kat rumah hr sabtu on this long weekend, ahad serious dah xleh dok umah.

duduk rumah satu hari makan pon x tentu sgt..the whole day on sabtu cuma makan ubi rebus n sambal tumis yg asalnye masak utk bekpes. end up sampai ke dinner ( ke supper?) pon makan ubi jek..abes angin satu badan.

nak je wat keja giler drive gi penang pagi2 ahad tu..ngidam nak makan kuih serabai for breakfast. tp x cukup motivasi la nak drive sesorg ke penang. so cancel lah.

last2 teringat lak niat nak gi spa drpd bulan puasa hr tu x gi2. ade gak plan dgn 2-3 member ni tp asyik x jadik jekk..pastu biler wiken camni sumer dah bz ngan family masing2.

so smlm pagi2 try call spa favaurite kat s.alam - serenity spa - tanye if ade slot kosong hari tu. luckyly ade kosong tp petang la plak..aa so ape nak bwat dr pagi sampai ke petang tu?

tgk la pulak ulangan masterchef cabaran kupang..wah, dgn perut yg lapa gile terus siap2, ready nak gi mane2 lah carik mkn.

gagah gi mencarik jalan ke pantai jeram, nak try ikan bakar yg ade kawan recommend. ade plan ngan bebudak opis, tp wiken ni dinner dah full, so maybe kami nak gi next wiken.

so gamble jelah smlm, dgn harapan kalau lunch ok sket kot.

after sejam lebey gaklaa..dkt pkl 2 baru kami jumpe restoran yg dicarik - Aroma ikan bakar betul2 tepi pantai jeram. first impression, nice place! and naseb baik mmg byk tpt kosong... sampai2 jek terus ke tpt pilih bahan mentah. waaa byknye ikan n seafood! rambang mata nak pilih bahan..tp sbb kami berdua jek, so pilihla seekor ikan gerut2 yg sederhana besar - utk dibakar. ketam 3 ekor - utk masak cili. sotong - utk goreng tepung. cam nak amek udang gak tp cam byk sgt plak takut pecah perut dua org makan.

lps pilih bahan tu, pilih tpt duduk plak. aha elok2 jek ade satu pondok kecik yg sesuai makan dua org, betul2 tp pantai. hehehe..ni datang dating sini mmg romantik nih :p

duduk bersila ye, tp aku melunjur je lerr...tak berapa bleh nak bersila lg haha. sambil tu adelah budak dtg amek order air dan lain2 food mcm nasik, sayur etc.

tunggu dlm 20menet order pon ssampai..uhh penuh gak meja kami tu.

sila drool over gambar2 di bawah :p

so makan dan makan la. just nice jek sbb ikan pon x berape besar yg dipilih td. .ketam paling best. tu mkn last sekali la sbb leceh nak bersudu garfu bagai.

verdict: food sgt fresh n sedap! ikan bakar simple je, xde mcm2 bahan, cuma kunyit n garam je, tp sbb fresh terasan la kesedapan ikan. sotong goreng tepung crunchy di luar n sotongnye juicy x overcook.

minum lak air kelapa muda. angin sepoi2 bahasa lak tu, xyah kipas.

owh total charge was rm75 - nasi putih 2, sayur cendawan goreng, air kelapa, air laici + seafood stuff tadi. owh itu ekceli setelah ditambah rm10 extra charge sbb duduk pondok buluh tu. kalu tak bill wud hv been rm65 jek.

pondok2 boloh by the beach

taking turns posing haha~

so next...gegas ke shah alam.

emmm sblm tu solat zuhur lu kat surau. surau complete dan besar. bagus betul tokeh restoran tuh.

end up x smpt pon nak gi mane2 dah, mmg terus kena gi shah alam. balik terus lalu latar n guthrie ke s.alam. sampai serenity spa tu around 5.05pm. just in time for 2 hours of body spa.

terus therapist tu tanye2 ape nak, and siapkan bilik.

i took the same treatment that i had last time. 4 step body treatment.

4 step spa ni adalah;

1- steam or lebih tepat lg kalau ikutkan cara steam tu dibuat lebih kpd 'bertangas' dlm bahasa melayu nye. good to detoxify and lembutkan urat badan sebelum diurut.

uhuh..asalnye cam malas nak amek ni, sbb dah tau dah kompem lemas nye. huh..20 menet dlm tu rase mcm lama giler! peluh menjejeh mcm tak ingat laa..menitik-nitik. rase mmg kuar laaa toksik2 sumer. hafwei tru rase cam nak lemas dah tpakse kuarkan muka drpd 'langsir' yg menutup steam bath nye pondok tuh.

yg kelakarnye..time tulah dtg rase angin hebat gilerr...padan muka gi makan byk2 before gi spa sape suruh!

so abes steam bath, mintak excuse nak gi toilet jap...kosongkan perut dulu. haha.

pastu to teh next steap.

2- full body massage. memula dia warm dulu, urut kering ke abes bunyi2 tulang belakang, jari2 kaki tangan kena tekan. lps tu followed by aromatherapy massage, abes satu badan. tang lutut kanan yg sakit tu je lah aku ngeri sket, so dia wat slow2 la.

therapist kali ni compared dgn yg dulu, mmg lagi syok... terasa betul urutan dia. ilang sengal badan.

3- body scrub.

aha! ini pon looking fwd nih. dlm byk2 pilihan scrub tu asalnye nak scrub mawar. tp dah abes la plak...so last2 amek scrub ginger+lemongrass.

fuu..katanye bagus utk buang angin. aha! mmg tgh berangin penangan ubi rebus nih! abes scrub satu badan terasa 'tsuru-tsuru' huhu.. :p

4- final step, mandi susu + bunga lavendar.

aha, mandi bunga? kena wat selalu nih~

better, susu dan bunga yek. siap dituang susu tu atas belakanhg, pastu therapist tu siap tuang atas tgn, soh sapu muka 3kali dgn selawat. best gila susu kambing suam sapu kat muka. wangi lak tu. mcm terkena bibir sket, rase cam sedap. haha.

sampai dah tak larat nak berendam dah. minum teh panas, dan siap2 utk keluar.

2 jam in total semuanya. badan rase best giler.

yg bestnye, time bayar tu aku siap sign up dia punye pakej utk 10kali treatment. so instead of rm180 per session, i got rm1600 for 10 sessions. no expiry. jimatla rm200. bleh bayo 3-4 kali. so urmm, jimat in long run. lps ni mmg rase nak kerap ke spa. maybe 3 bulan sekali ke. so ok lah tuh. since ni dah kali 3 aku gi serenity ni, and everytime pon mmg puas hati. xyah pk2 nak cr spa lain dah.

ni nak bg org pakai pon bleh..so agak2 ade member nak gi skali ok jek, tp of cos aku caj la rm160 tu kan. huhu..
yg penting, lps ni leh konsisten gi spa. every 2-3 bulan ke :p

ginilah rupa tpt steam bath tu - itu of cos la bukan saya yek.

dudukla dlm tu, langsir tutup abes. rase cam pecah lemak2~

pics courtesy of serenity spa shah alam ( strictly no photography in the spa so i didnt take any pics)

abes spa elok2 je maghrib...kami gegas ke bangi lak. mak n adik tetiba ke sini. dgn sorg cousin sebaya adik.

sekali sampai ade ugak adik2 si adik ipar, 3 org bebudak laki kecik2 skolah lagi. sumer hantu computer game. haaa...boys n games. senang je nak bond. rasenye sampai kitorg tido kol 12 lebey tu diorg still dgn game. pastu tido reramai kat living room. senang betul bebudak berkawan kan?

ahad, gi pasar, cr lauk pastu mak masak asam pedas. yummmm!

malamnye dinner with friends - spt yg distory-mory in part 1.

akaun imaginasi ~

2011-12-24T17:07:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah..rezeki akhir tahun sudah masuk. the only reason maybe why aku leh bersabar dgn byk benda kat sini.
ohh that, and maybe because i believe in what i do. used to at least, lps2 ni i'm not too sure.

the best thing abt this year's bonus is, i was prepared for the worst. with tsunami, banjir and all, i really expected it to be the worst in 5 years that i'm here. dlm hati mmg doa at least dpt cukupkan simpanan lam t.h utk umrah next year, dah cukup baik. plus some back up cash utk fisioterapi purpose.
tp Alhamdulillah, rezeki myvi lagi best+myvi lagi power ( std+se heh..), ade rezeki lagi warga p2 tahun ni..next year tho betul2 xleh harap. sbb skang pon dah nampak dah, management dah jd makin kedekut. tambah lg pakcik2 jepun tu yg makin nak control and perah keuntungan dr sini..its only logic that this year may be the last for us to taste a portion of the fruits.

so with the balance now..seyes unlike past years takde perasaan nak indulge in anything. last year spent quite a portion on a lappie, handbag, year end getaway..
this year i'm trying hard to avoid buying on impulse!!!!
this is difficult waa. but as of today..am innocently lepaking at home avoiding those y.e.s going on all over the place. walaupon ade some stuff that i (may) actually need...like watch? dah setahun x pakai jam. the old one tali dah putus. dok cr tali yg seswai x jumpe2. padan muka..gi beli jam kat nihon dulu brand yg payah nak cr kat sini. tali pelik lak tu. x rase cam ade tali jam brand lain leh masuk. eh maybe shud kirim kat org yg balik nihon aa jam tu..mintak crkan tali huhu..
nway..its ok. i survived a year without a watch. i cud survive another 10 ~

owh and there's that temptation to buy a new tv. the one sitting in the living room now is an old 21" tube. that sometimes die on us and then we'll have to ketuk2 like mad sampai the picture comes back. kdg2 sampai sakit tangan! but it's been at its best behaviour this past few months..hehe..so i guess, it'll be good.

owh and there's the leaking washing machine. hari ni paling best, dr pkl 11 td masukkan baju lam washing machine, sampai naow abes pusing lg. hafwei tru dia dok bunyi buzz and error 'E3'. wth tuh??!!! sabar nih..dah 5 kali off kan n on balik.

lagi skali x okeh jugak mmg kena perah sendiri la. dlm musim hujan lak tuh.great lah sgt..
owh dahla ade satu round lg lom basuh!
owh thats the buzz again...kali ke 6 dah..hmphhhh!!! weiiii caner nih??!hishhh..

*buat2 tak dgr sambil sambung update blog sampai makan kepok lekor*

nway..this is sounding very cliche and material, tp rezeki akhir tahun ni akan bagi satu motivasi baru utk face the new year. semangat nak start new. balance lps tolak sumer komitmen n utang piutang, terus akan masuk dua akaun utama yg dah sedia ada - akaun 1 utk rumah, akaun 2 utk kawen. ehem..rumah selagi x sampai target saving ke satu figure nih, x berani lg nak usya2 sgt. dah sampai that amount br berani usya. betul pk mmg sampai biler pon x cukup kot, rumah plak makin mahei so xleh pk lama sgt..tp at least kena ade some amount of solid back up la baru berani.
selama ni x terase nak beli rumah sgt lg..bukan sbb ape, sbb malas. huhu..mals nak handle. nak start camne pon tatau. ape nak consider pon tatau.nak beli katner pon tatau. definetely bukan di ceruk ini.
tp papepon niat dah ade la at least..target end 2012 ~2013 kena dah ade progress..skrg ni berangan jelah dulu survey lokasi.
criteria x tinggi mane pon (sbb bajet ciput pon)..paling penting; location ( tak jauh sgt from kl, bukan kwsn trafik jam teruk), security(sbb probably dok sorg nway), ade lift(assume will be buying 'atas angin', bukan 'atas tanah)..and if possible, rumah baru. kalau beli atas org pon, rumah yg x lama sgt. space and size is sthg i'm willing to tolerate..yg penting selesa utk bersantai, tido and masak (penting tuh!) cukup dah kot.
trying not to think pasal rumah tu seswai ke tak seswai ke in the long run(= family ke whatever), that is not my purpose of buying a house for now, tho for certain ppl maybe akan consider nak rumah yg sesuai biler ade family, utk anak 2 ke 3 ke 4 org ke.
well kalau aku mampu nak beli umah harga rm350k ke atas, of cos aku pon nak consider. tp kalu setakat mampu rumah 250k ke bwh dgn kriteria2 di atas, mungkin kena berpijak di bumi nyata..

aha..akaun ke-2 pulak, uhuh umpama menyediakan tangga sebelum ada rumah. haha.
calon ape pon tadak lagi tp kalu dah ade calon br nak saving kang lg lmbt la leh kawen kan? ahaha. persediaan kena ade. so sedia bajet elok2 biar kalu tetiba kalu kena kawen bulan dpn pon no problem!when the time comes i dont money to stand in the way! again, its all about back up.

err..tp leh tak ckp yg somehow aku cam ade instinct 2012 will be a year of suprises. a year that will turn my life around. somehow i hv that instinct. lgpon skrg ni aku dah start fresh. xde holding back feelings kat sape2, dah moved on. so what else to expect?

if it comes to one stage where it doesnt matter anymore whether that akaun no.2 will be used or not, its ok it can be combined with akaun no-3(haji) or combine with akaun-1. win-win.

huh..to say it like that makes it sound easy but and optimistic... but i really do wish 2012 will be a year that i put akaun-1 and 2 into use.Amin, amin dan amin!

...and it doesnt hv to be in that order :p

3 weeks later..

2011-12-19T19:47:00.004+08:00

hmm..wiken ari tu rase cam positif. leh jln2 klcc lg. lg byk jalan lg rase ok. pastu smlm test2 turun tangga mcm biase kat umah mcm dah ok. rase cam lega gilerr..dan hr ni gak first time cuba solat cam biase. tp by petang td rase cam revert balik to x selesa..tatau la perasaan aku ke but bengkak yg patut dah makin surut tu mcm naik balik. turun tangga dah sakit balik. doc kata patut lam 2 weeks bengkak shud turun. ni still bulat kepala lutut nye. hmm..follow up in another 2weeks..rase cam lama nye lg nak jumpe doktor. tu kalu baik, kalu ade pape yg xtau skrg? aa...risau aah. br nak senang hati sket..sekali cam sakit blk plak. caner..sbb aku dok urut2 ke? tp dok usap2 je pon..bukan tekan kuat sgt :( time solat pon duduk atara dua sujud tu belum buat betul lg, x bg pressure kuat sgt time duduk tu..hmmm..hmmm.. :(

ctr+z ~

2011-12-17T21:39:00.000+08:00

mendelete gambar semudah menekan butang 'delete' atau ctr+z.
tp biler tersedar yg masih ade yg belum di delete dan tersimpan rapi, seram sejuk jadi nya. wud deleting that one last picture means its finally final?

alien in my own kitchen?

2011-12-17T15:16:00.000+08:00

demm lah..malam td hampir nak melompat terkejut ngan cikti lg lam kitchen. seb baek tak terjatuh lagi..
dengki betul.

seyes tensen. kalau letak lg perangkap getah tu kompem kena lg..tp aku lak yg nangis xnak buang nanti.

seyes kena cr countermeasure nak tutup lubang bawah pintu tu. kalau tak sampai bila2 pon jd alien lam kitchen sendiri.

nota atas angin...

2011-12-14T20:25:00.006+08:00

..dari biasa terasa luar biasa, dari luar biasa terasa selesa, dari selesa terasa suka. dari suka terasa sayang. bukan sebulan, bukan setahun. degil mengharap dgn pipi tersorong-sorong hidung tak mancung. tapi kini aku mengerti, perasaanku dan kamu bagai langit dgn bumi. kejauhanku bagimu kesenangan hati. tapi tak cukupkah dengan itu? perlukah kamu terus-terusan setiap hari berlagak bagai aku halimunan? paranoid apakah sampai urusan kerja sanggup ditolak ketepi? biar boss jadi perantaraan? betul itu yg kamu mahu? tolong, senaglah hati yang aku sudah tahu dan faham kedudukan diri. tak akan ku ulang kebodohan dulu. sama ada perasaan itu berjaya kubuang jauh2, itu soal aku dan hati sendiri. tp perlukah buat ia jadi benci?

strategy 1: exercise routine 1.

2011-12-13T14:50:00.002+08:00

aha..aku dah x kisah dah pasal benda2 yg dah jd, duit bleh carik, so fisio nye hal kira setel. ready je siap2 duit utk cover fisio selama mane yg perlu. yg penting kaki kena fully recover. skrg aku notice kaki kanan ni xleh statik lama. nanti dia rasa cam 'ketat' je..sengal n uncomfortable. baca2 kat forum etc, mmg tips utk baikkan ligamen yg injured n at the same time to regain surrounding muscles is by doing the necessary motion n exercises slowly but gradually increasing in both speed and load. aku dah tau 2-3 movement yg bagus utk mcl injury, yg bleh wat kat uma or bila2 jek pon. lg satu recommended exercise is walking. by walking it means to really stretch the leg muscles mcm org lumba jalan kaki tu, n with proper shoes. so strategi no.1, sementara menunggu follow up check up lg 3 weeks is, nak establish rutin berjalan ptg2. tgh konsider park mane yg sesuai utk berjalan - klcc ke taman layang2 kepong. nak kena calculate gak dr opis kalau gerak 5.45pm sharp leh sampai pkl bp. then br leh konsider lah park mane yg sesuai utk walking ptg2 after opis hour. i like klcc park, x besar sgt, dkt ngan masjid, x ramai org dan landai la jugak park tu compared to tpt lain. tp nanti menangis plak jam nak balik umah. hmm. mane lg tama ade? ideas?

small things that make me smile~

2011-12-10T11:34:00.002+08:00

wiken ni gi pd with family. walaupon satu malam jek, suka rasenye dpt arrange camni. bukan senang nak wat.
dulu selalu terasa nak wat, tp xleh nak angkut sumer satu keta.
skang since dah ade dua keta, lehla buat. tu pon kira bajet nye lah, dok kondo 3 bilik. nak duduk lagend ke avilion ke x mampu la haha~

jumaat balik lmbt gak, dgn x packing nye. sampai umah 9 packing2, terus gerak gi amek adik kat um then ke bangi, tido sana dulu. sabtu br gerak ke pd. amek mak, abah n adik kat seremban.
before keta gerak terperasan satu surat kat post box, tgk2 rupa2nye surat tour agency utk umrah trip. pasal kursus, bayaran, visa..and yg penting skali tarikh.dah ade tarikh, now kena carik satu hari yg bleh gi class, setel payment. n hopefully xde problem ngan visa.
amiinnnn..

ni yg buat aku senyum semalam.

lessons learned....

2011-12-09T07:35:00.005+08:00

hmm..i dont even know where to start. had i written this right after i went to see the doctor on tuesday, it wud be haywire, messy and full of stress.

ok good news first, my injured knee was diagnosed as medial collateral ligament (m.c.l) injury. m.c.l injury ni biasenye classified into 3grades- grade 1, 2 & 3. grade 1,2 are partial tear atau sprain only. yg mebezakan is severety. grade 1 is mild level, few days dah ilang bengkak, stiffness n pain. grade 2 is still considered partial tp lebey sakit dr grade 1. take longer time for the pain n swelling to go away. grade 3 plak, considered full tear. ligament ade koyak yg effect pada other ligaments/bones. yg ni mmg biasenye kena surgery to fix or reconstruct the ligament.

my case, classified as grade 2. tak koyak, tp by the swelling yg still x ilang after 1 week ++ n the knee nye movemet area etc, doctor kata mcm tu lah. thats good news, cos it means that my knee can heal itself, cuma doctor kata fisioterapi is essential, sbb sepanjang masa recovery 4-6weeks tu, some muscles x byk gerak. so kaki sebelah tu akan jd lemak, muscle jd kecut. thats where fisioterapi plays the role of recovering the lazy muscles. kuatka balik kaki tu.. and aku plak kebetulan main badminton kan, so lutut mmg sgt2 important la, satu utk elakkan repetetive injury, n satu lg so that aku leh bermain as normal. x awkward. honestly psikologi nye skrg ni aku takut nak guna kaki ni kuat2, naik tangga mcm dah bleh, tp 2-3step je pastu aku dengkot balik, sbb aku jd ngilu n tend to tonggek ke blkg, mengelak rase sakit tu. benda2 ni kot kena biasekan balik..so basicly aku disuruh take it easy but rajin2 berjalan for a few weeks, next follow up in 3weeks. kalau progress ok lps tu doktor akan advise utk fisioterapi.

fisioterapi. hmm..ok so thats where the complications come. g.l kompeni mmg clear2 mention x cover g.l. tp aku ingat xpelah, leh claim kat med.card. time ni lah nak harapkan med.card. honestly tho kdg2 ketat gak nak bayar insurans tu bulan2 plus one off payment awal tahun - sebulan total ins aku bayar rm210 plus awal tahun rm544. tp aku layankan aje sbb priority aku is kalau pape jadik, aku leh cover diri sendiri and x nyusahkan org lain. tu je. walaupon ade kompeni g.l, tp dgn coverage ade limit mcm p2, mmg x safe kalu xde personal ins.
so i thot, kalau xleh guna terus, leh dpt claim pon kira ok la. abes je jumpe doc tu ,otw blk aku dah sms agent insr. who happens to be kawan aku sediri gakla. in fact sebelum jumpe doc ni aku dah baca2 polisi, dah siap jumpe ngan dia refresh balik benda2 ni..
tp nampaknye ade je benda yg x paham when it comes tp insurans i guess. i was told that x jamin aku leh claim for fisio. sbb aku nye knee ni xde dpt proper treatment from doctor yg aku jumpe tu, just diagnose and self heal. haa? sgt tekejut time tu..

ni benda yg aku paling takut jadik. benda2 emergency yg in the end kena cover sendiri. dah tu sbb menda2 teknikal ni. ok maybe benda tu mmg camtu but x fair la utk org yg injured camni? aku sgt faham dgn doctor nye explanation, and aku sendiri tau yg condition aku ni mmg self heal. tulang, ligamen sumer ni either or jek, kalau severe enough kena surgery. kalau less than that mmg self heal la. doctor xleh nak bandage kaki aku lelama sbb kaki ni kena keep moving n mobile. lama2 bandage meaning lagi terhad pergerakan n lg lmbt baik. yg penting was initial treatment - rest, ice, compression. which was what i had at the clinic last week. and then self recovery for 4-6weeks and fisioterapi.but the issue seems to be that. sbb aku xde admit ward, xde proper treatment katanye which i dont know what the hell means, maybe org2 insurans ni kena research lebey sket2 pasal conditions kecederaan yg mcm ni, br tau betul x betul doctor kata kena self heal tu.

anyway that is the moment when i cracked the first since aku jatuh tu. terbayang-bayang camne aku tahan sakit waktu jatuh mlm tu i almost collapse, black out actually. tp waktu tu aku lawan, dok bayangkan kalau pengsan camne lah sorg2. aku smpt sms 2 org kawan bgtau, so in case if la aku pengsan, at least worst case the next morning org akan tau n dtg carik. so i thot, kalau time tu aku pengsan, br kena ward agaknye. so baru senang bab2 ni? gitu ke?
or if the next morning waktu gi klinik tu maybe aku shud terus mintak refer to specialist mcm diorg ckp, terus mintak admit?

honestly, the first thing aku terfikir bila kena, aku tatau camne nak handle benda ni. tp aku mmg terus siap2 dah pack barang satu bag, in case kena ward.
tp time sakit, mane nak think straight, aku ikut je ckp doctor, and follow je the flow, tak terfikir plak post treatment tu nanti xleh claim.
kalau waktu tu ade org yg paksa, bukan tanya, tp terus buat decision utk aku, jom gi specialist, admit terus, honestly i think i will be happy to follow jek. mmg aku biasa buat decision sendiri, tp time mcm tu mmg sgt2 bersyukur kalau ade org yg can make decisions for me. esp. org yg lebih tau ape nak buat..ini dgn information overload nye, dan of cos aku sendiri mengharapkan yg injury tu temporary jek.
mane nak sangka yg after 10days, lutut still stiff, xleh naik turun tangga and yg paling menakutkan aku still xleh lurus/bengkokkan fully lg..camne kalu ligamen tu keras kat situ?
tu sumer la sbb naper aku sendiri rase mmg aku perlukan fisio tu..

so ermm...malam tu otw balik dr specialist mmg serabai giler la. kepala otak, bukan kueh serabai eh.
drive pon dah nangis2, mmg xleh control dah. time sakit gile first 2 days sampai kaki xleh nak angkat langsung tu pon x nangis lagi..tahan jek.

waktu tu xleh nak fikir sgt dah. the next day pon rase cam tak tercekik jek. sebak je rase. member insurans tu try nak fix kan, nak bawak gi another specialist, i donno la if leh kwatim ke ngan doc so that leh create condition aku leh guna med.card tu nanti..tho aku yg bukan doc ni pon rase mane2 doc will say the same thing gak. lain lah kalau gi jumpe betul2 lps jatuh ari tu..dahla masuk opis dpt keja byk giler, lglah susah hati..nak warded la katakan, tolak lg sehari keja. tambah lg sehari nak cover.
mmg otak serabut giler..mmg clear2 aku ckp ngan member tu aku xleh nak fikir. sori sgt2 tp mmg aku xleh nak ckp ngan dia. abah call, sape2 call pon aku x jawab. sbb kalau bercakap jek pasal benda tu mmg leh meletup.
punyelah sedih tghari tu time lunch biler member bring up the matter pon aku leh nangis..tsk. itu yg aku tamau.

ari tu siap stayback office, penat rasenye satu hari tahan perasaan. balik mlm tu br leh fikir ape nak buat..decided to leave it at that. malas dah nak layan gi 2nd ke 3rd advise ke. xpelah redha jek pasal card xleh cover fisio tu. tanye2 member yg ade experience, fisio one session around rm60~80, tgk tempat dan type. rasenye kalau umsc tu pon about that kot the cost, budget maybe twice a month ke, insyaAllah leh la lagi..seb baik bulan satu. kalau skrg dahla nak renew insurans keta lagi, nak bawak family gi pd lg wiken nih..
cuma issuenye kalau umsc tu kena gi selasa jek..hmmm so kena consider la mintak refer ke tpt lain yg leh gi wiken. cuti dah x byk ni..ade balance sket jek lagi biler tolak siap2 nak cuti 12days bulan 2 nanti.

cuma skang rase cam concern lak...doctor ade ckp in the future lutut ni jd cam sensitif sket. kena careful. aku dahla main badminton, netball kekdg. so kalu jd pape lg kat lutut ni insurans cover ke dok eh? hmm..jd cam phobia pon ade. nak tanye pon tatau shud tanye kat agent ke kat org lain ..kang lain aku paham biler jadik kang lain pulak..
gitu kalu free2 je lah bayar insurans kalu sumer pon nak jd susah utk claim..dissappointed gak la..tak masuk insurans kang lg susah pulak. tp masuk pon same gak :(

btw pengajarannye, next time pape jadik, nak wat drama lebey, pengsan jek biar org angkut terus gi spital.
sekian..

kaki lenguh!

2011-12-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

esok doctor's appointment at 5.30pm. tp sbb dah ter-apply cuti dari pagi, biar jekla. leceh gi opis separuh2..alang2 cuti jekla full day ( walaupun dah cuti 4 hari last week huhu..)
guess what, ari ni masuk opis xde pulak boss sebok follow up. last beria mcm dah leh tunggu dah keja tu..hmphh..

hari ni gi keja..urmmm jalan tu ok je ekceli, cuma rase awkward, dan slow :(
pastu nye..ermmm biler dah satu hari melayan kaki dgn lebih pressure pada kaki yg sihat (=kiri), by the time petang nak balik tu kaki kiri dah rase lenguh. even time naik tangga balik dr surau pon dah start lenguh2 huhu..sian kaki ni ~

ermmm...first time ye, first time nak jumpe doctor di hospital ye utk 'physical ilness' huhu..sejak dilahirkan agaknye. ok melampau, sejak yg aku ingat lah kiranya. maybe kecik2 dulu ade penah dibawa ke spital tp aku x yg ingat hehe..dulu kena chicken pox kat nihon pon takat gi klinik jek..
seb baek esok doctor pempuan..kurang sket nervous. eh nak panggil doctor ke 'kak' eh? dia dok bahasakan diri dia 'kak'..lol~

nak pakai baju ape eh esok? bj kurung? dress? palazo pants?
yg penting jeans xleh la..susah plak doctor nak check lutut nanti..

..

2011-12-04T23:02:00.002+08:00

..dalam kesukaran menghadapi 'eksiden' yg menyebabkan aku sedikit 'tempang' biler berjalan skrg ni, percaya tak ade dua org yg aku x citer betul2 pasal benda ni. mak n abah. sbb xnak diorg risau. 5 thn dulu biler aku eksiden langgar motor waktu otw nak balik kampung sbb abah eksiden kat tpt keja(workshop lori dan bas) pon gitu.adik2 tau la tp aku siap pesan jgn bgtay mak abah. kali ni aku xde la pesan gitu, tp kebetulan plak adik2 sumer dah xde kat umah, so mmg lmbt la khabar angin tu nak sampai kat diorg. rasenye selagi x betul2 teruk dan perlu, mmg kalau bleh aku xnak diorg risau2. sbbnye diorg jauh, bukannye senang nak dtg sini, kena naek bas sumer(aa..sedey plak), buat risau je kalau diorg tau kan. ingat lg dulu zaman skolah kat seremban, aku penah injured main basketball, terpeleot ankle sampai naik bengkak cam telor. mmg xleh jalan, kaki bengkak giler. abah dtg gak amek naik motor all the way tu, sbb aku nangis2 kaki sakit. balik kampung bawak gi urut. terus baek. tp tulah sian la abah kan..rasenye pastu balik seremban naik bas kot. time aku nak start keja kat sini dulu pon diorg gak la sama2 naik bas, angkut barang aku skali. turun naik bas lak tu, sbb mane ade bas direct ke bukit sentosa. ingat2 balik mmg sayu gak..sbb tulah dah skrg ni, aku x kisah nak jd driver bawak diorg ke mana pon. drive pegi balik anta adik masuk mrsm kat tganu sinun pon penah..dr kl-k.berang-bt pahat-balik kl dalam masa wiken tu jek, ingat lg kaki siap bengkak time tu sbb drive lama sgt...nak tau camner aku leh jd tough n independant, ni la sbb2nye. aku yg selalunye jd tpt sandaran, x sempat nak menyandar. x penah terfikir nak merungut, cuma biler duduk diam fikir balik, camtula hakikatnya. kes aku jatuh ni antara rare case tpakse bergantung kat org lain, dan aku cuba utk minima kan..org lain dok panik aku kat umah sesorg, kalu jatuh lg susah la ape la. aku pk gak benda tu, tp aku lebih risau lg kalu benda ni bg any effect dr segi duit, and jugak sakit long term. serius itu main concern. by now, soal duit tu insyaAllah. kalu x ckp kompeni g.l, medical card leh cover. bab ni aku cuba fahamkan and take one step at a time. papepon, selasa ni jumpe specialist dulu, tgk ape dia kata. concern pasal long term tu ade sikit risau lg. as of now, even tho dah kurag sgt2 sakit tu, lutut still cam stiff gitu. xleh fully bengkok or tegak. aku cuba main2kan lutut tu biler dok sorg2 tu, rase takut kalau xleh recover fully. aku dahla jenis layan sukan gak. badminton, netball. tsk..psikilogi mmg dah kalah, cam phobia je jatuh lg. sakit woo time memula kena, bygkan nak angkat kaki naik katil pon xleh. meleleh air mata bila cuba paksa, tp last2 give up gak. dr segi rupa, ermmm lutut now jadik 'comel' gitu. haha. bulat je xde shape huhu..sgtla obvious bila dibandingkan ngan belah kiri. papepon esok akan masuk opis. keja menunggu. td try jalan jauh sket, mmg x selesa lg, tempang2, tonggek2 jd nya sb nak elak sakit tu. guess esok dok opis mmg kena duduk je laa. xleh bygkan lg nak handle turun naik tangga opis tu. malas nak fikir lg. ade sikit nervous, dan malas nak menjawab soklan org. maybe aku patut tulis skema jawapan atas kertas? senang keje haha~

blessing in disguise

2011-12-01T17:35:00.002+08:00

its been a weird few days. but its been a blessing in disguise. i learned some things.

i learned how to ask for help and let myself be helped.

i learned that its ok to be vulnerable and depend on others.

i learned that sometimes it is body over the mind - the body screams for it when it needs the rest.

i learned that sometimes it is ok to be selfish, especially when it comes to health.

..and mostly i learned that i am surrounded with so many kind hearted people who care about me more than i care about myself maybe. when i am still a bit reserved about asking for help ( i'm doing it slowly..), ye la aku x biase dimanjakan all this while, they come one by one offering help and assistance. bringing me to the clinic, bringing me food (too much food maybe!), getting worried who's bringing me to see the doc, or simply just by calling or texting to ask 'how r u?'

today the knee doesnt hurt that much nmore, i'm actually considering to go to work tomorrow, tho to be honest, its not because i'm crazy about work, but more because risaukan bosses yg risau pasal keja2 aku tu ( bukan risaukan aku pon..)..tp td siang mcm dah determine gakla nak keja esok. dah bwat strategi siap tu. parking dkt guard, sampai awal so that no rush, leh take my own sweet time walking and climbing the stairs to my office..limit walking around, maybe stay in during lunch. bla2..err..control freak tetiba time camni.

tp by petang td dah tak bp sure..huhu..sorg2 dok call tanye pasal g.l, and tak kasik aku mai opis esok. siap dtg amek ref.letter kat umah, and diorg kata bg diorg setelkan apply g.l kat h.r esok...err lelama i cudnt argue dah, in a way rase lega diorg ni buat the decision utk aku.

pastu sorg2 call2 nak bring over food@ajak makan..by the 4th person nye phone call, aku dah tak tahan nak gelak..huhu..gemokla camni kalau sumer nak sumbat makan. betullaa..org melayu mmg guna makanan tu tunjukkan concern and care kan? last2 sorg kawan come over, tapau hot tomyam soup, siap makan skali sambil sembang2. i'm so relieved, actually perut x lapar sgt pon tp after a few days dok umah sesorg, it means a lot to have someone to talk to :p

not to mention ade org yg offer nak amek cuti skali on tuesday tolong hantarkan aku gi umsc jumpe specialist..tsk rase sgt awkward. we used to be close, but for some personal reasons, we're not so close anymore...dia mmg jenis org yg aku tau wont say no kalau org mintak tlg, and that one thing apparantly never changed.

so i guess..although at some points aku dok tensen pasal org2 yg negatif, yg insensitive..org2 ni sebenarnye sgtla minoriti nye. dan selalunya org ni ermm ade sbb kot utk jd camtu. maybe dia ade benda2 lain yg pressure dia, or dia too paranoid nak tunjuk concern..xpelah kan. biarla diorg ni.

i am blessed that there are so many other kinder hearted ppl who's making me feel warm inside. so tho aku still ade tendency nak refuse org punye offer for help, at thsi moment i will try to follow the flow, aku tau diorg ikhlas, so why rob them off their good will? Sampai masa insyaAllah aku akan cuba balas jasa..tp semestinya Allah je yg betul2 dpt balas jasa mereka ni :P

so since tomorrow i MAY not be going to work..nak buat ape ni? huhuhu...seyes dah tak larat dok umah. as long as i be careful with my walking n driving, i can go smwhere else..right?

adik angkat a.k.a makcik si kecik baby wan nur alia asked me to come over, said shel'll cook for me (makan lagi!)..and i'm tempted! and it also means longer time to spend with cik wan over the weekend? :p

sy sudah x tough?

2011-11-30T22:00:00.002+08:00

ehem..a friend yg close-x close gak lah, one of those yg aku panggil 'kyoudai' means adik-beradik, tegur kat fb chat mlm ni.

actually member satu batch sama2 kat uni dulu, kawan sama senang, sama ketawa sama gaduh la kiranya - cam adik beradik, kan? lg lah dia ni, satu class dulu, so ikutkan dia la muka budak msia aku paling selalu jumpe 4 years kat nihon dulu.

kitorg jarang chat online, mamat ni dok keja ulang alik tokyo-kl. so smtimes ade lah jumpe, so time tu jelah catch up. aku pon xde lah nak citer personal sgt ngan dia ni..ade mcm mak nenek sket dia ni punye bebel. not to mention a health freak! ingat lg dulu kat nihon dia sorg je x minum tap water, tp kitorg selalu tipu dia kata tu air masak padahal actually air paip. hehehee..

nway ari ni tetiba dia tegur..tanye peciter sumer..sembang2. then dia tanye ape prob aku ekcelinye? jiwa kacau ke stress keja? i said both..pastu start la yada2..kata cam bukan mcm aku yg biase..cam messed up. sempat lg bebel soh aku eat good food for healthier mind huhu..sabo jek.

so aku ckp la..maybe mmg sape2 pon ade at some point akan jd messed up. or maybe selama ni aku x open so org tak perasan..sumer org ingat aku tough n independant. padahal ade masa aku x larat nak jd tough..

pastu dia leh agree plak..mmg betul pon tang nampak tough tu. so mcm tak au (=sesuai) biler aku tak tough. susah nak approach..and these all based on ape yg dia baca kat online status aku. aku x salahkan dia, smtimes mmg aku over emo. maybe i need reserve a bit..but then well, smtimes the keyboard is all i hv.

mcm kelakar..i know dia cuba nak make it sound as funny possible. tp still..agak sebak la biler ade org tegur camtu. lg2 la time aku rase sgt kucar kacir n tatau nak buat ape ni..

so i guess, i need to toughen up a bit more, huh? or at least not show when i dont feel so tough?

update!

2011-11-29T20:01:00.003+08:00

huhu..

officially on home rest today and tomorrow. maybe more if the injured doesnt heal that fast..as of now sakitnya sama jek cam semalam dan pagi td. walking or even moving my right foot makes me cringe with pain. esp. at certain angle and movement. huhu..

luckily ade kawan2 yg baik hati spend some time coming over in the morning, bawak gi klinik.

basically, doc check sket2 pastu kena xray. based on xray Alhamdulillah xde patah ke ape. bones nye postion pon ok so kemungkinan besar xde dislocation. so doc pusing2 kaki, based on aku punye tahap kesakitan at certain angle tu, dia kata probably injured ligament or/and meniscus. ermm aku pon first time dengor 'meniscus' ni. its 'that thing' between the two bones - refer picture, tibia & femur :p

gambar ni kalu tgk dari depan lutut, so since kaki ku sakit biler nak bend ke arah luar (ke arah kiri gambar) so doc suspect ligament yg medlal collateral tu yg injured, xleh stretch or strained..ligament yg ni bahaya sket biler injured sbb dia connected plak ngan benda alah 'medlal meniscus' tu. doc kata yg itu kalau injured satu cara jek nak heal, kena surgery. kalu ligament..err leh self heal kot.

sendi lutut ni plak kata doktor, bezanya dgn sendi lain mcm bahu dll, dia takde soket. femur tu simply duduk atas tibia, balanced by our body weight. so kalau teralih, lg sensitif compared to other joints.

so basically utk kes aku ni..doc kata maybe x teruk sbb bengkak x besar, which indicates takde luka dalam. tp terfikir la gak kan, kalau sakit gini x teruk, kalau level teruk nye injury camne la..huhu..cam org2 yg injured main bola sumer tuh.

so td doctor balut ngan bandage, soh rest and jalan cam biase tp jgn put pressure sgt. susah jugak nak jln cam biasa ni, bengkok sket jek sakit, duduk kalau x kena gaya pon sakit..nak angkat kaki mmg paling sakit la. siksa gak nak gi toilet ni huhu..nak menyarung seluar/kain pon siksa gak..hmm..

dahla rumah dua tingkat..sikit2 dah bwk turun sumer barang ke bawah..tgkla silap2 malam ni tido bawah kot. kalau condition sama cam malam td, sakit xleh nak angkat kaki naik katil..makan dok mengharapkan org hantar, sadis gakla. x suka susahkan org, tp sgtla thankful biler ade yg concern n offer mcm2..:(

kalau ikut doc, jumaat ni jumpa dia lagi bukak bandage and re-evaluate. hoping that he's right, its just mild sprain. aku try utk x fikir lebey2 or overdo things, tp dgr mcm2 org nye advice and opinions, rase mcm takut pon ade. benda ni x nampak kat xray, mri br leh nampak ligament sumer tuh..so far condition ni based on doc's nye 'rasa2' and experience jek. aku lak jenis x biase jumpe doc, x reti camne nak demand or request lebih2. tp listening to ppl's advice and comments, and after reading a bit abt knee injuries, rase mcm perlu jek wat mri. for confirmation..if xde pape Alhamdulillah..kalau ade then better know now kan..ke?

tsk..tak reti nak handle benda ni. panik pk kalu kena gi hospital, the inconvenience, urusan nak keluar masuk tu. dahla baru jek book nak gi pd ngan family next week.

what if ade sthg bad, byk plak prosedur nye, pk duit lagi if x cukup company nye g.l..med card mmg ade tp takut ade yg x cover jek..worse if lambat baik, nak m.c lame2 so not good utk kerja, pastu pk bulan 2 nak gi umrah plak tu..

hmm...

papepon, dlm keadaan sukar camni, i'm lucky that ade org yg care and offer help. ade yg at least tanye kabar..tho ade pulak yg x take it seriously - example my boss? aku selalu dgr pasal colleagues jd mangsa setgh boss yg suka buruk sangka and tak percaya org punye emergency or sakit. this time unfortunately i'm that person.

padahal aku ni siap fikir nak wat keja kat umah..xnak susahkan boss. bleh lg fikir pasal commitment kerja ni. siap tolak doctor bg mc 4days..awal2 dah try pakai suar keja td nak check leh gi keja ke kalau kena bandage kaki lg lama. even tho kalau ikutkan dgn lokasi opis kat tingkat atas, jalan from the parking tu agak inconvenient gaklah..

xde ke sape2 nak employee camni? huhu..

and it is during this time that it's clear..who care and who just dont. x bother nak tanye kabar pon. it wudnt make any difference i know, but it wud at least make me feel better..

EKSIDEN LAM RUMAH!!!!

2011-11-29T01:29:00.002+08:00

ermmm...kali ni it really happens. where aku betul2 need someone to be around. dugaan mmg dtg tanpa diduga..tulah byk sgt mengeluh ari ni pasal tikus, tup tup dtg ujian lain yg lebih serius. mlm td lps siapkan cupcake order - yg agak byk, 70pcs r.v cupcakes utk akak kerani kat opis, tgh ngemas2 tu, tetiba terasa cam ade sthg kat kaki pastu dlm tekejut tu terus jatuh dgn keadaan yg agak kelam kabutnya...waktu jatuh tu kaki kanan mcm berpusing, bleh rase sthg yg twisted kat dlm tu..panik kejap, terbaring jap few minutes, pastu cuba bengkokkan kaki, ok bleh bengkok. tp pastu biler cuba luruskan balik MasyaAllah...sakitnya.kompem sthg wrong ngan lutut. x penah rase sakit camni biler jatuh.cuba gak bangun pastu ngesot2 dgn kerusi, kemas brg sket2. then tetiba rase cam nak pitam. seram sejuk, berpeluh peluh, dan naik lenguh dan kebas ke tgn..sudah..biar betul, ni kalau pitam ke pengsan sesorg naya. aku lawan, minum air yg kebetulan ade atas meja...pejam celik pejam celik, br mcm ok. layan panik jap, tatau nak bwat ape. xde la plak kawan dkt2.pastu plak dah tgh mlm. seganla nak call sape2. ade la terfikir seorg dua tp segan plak org malam dgn anak bini@laki ni..ermmm kalau ngan yg bujang pon lglah segan. condition kaki: duduk somehow lg sakit dr berdiri ekceli, tp of cos paling sakit biler cuba jejak kaki kanan. almost bleh nangis la kalau pakse...smpt gak setelkan sidai bAju, pastu heret diri naik atas slowly. tp pastu X berjaya nak baring ats katil, sakit sgt bila nak angkat kaki tu..so last2 tido je dgn sebelah kaki tgantung....Pagi2 dah tbgn, x bp nyenyak tido pon. so pg ni dah mesej boss: kena gi klinik Ni, miNtak2 Xyah ke hosp. X suka jumpa doktor satu, pastu cam leceh jek nak uruskan benda nak kuar masuk spital tu, sp bleh tlg buatkan..huhu..ekceli ni nak jln keluar then drive then jln lg sampai klinik pon x bp konfiden bleh ke X ni..boleh menangis kalu dipaksa kot..hmmm..

......

2011-11-28T21:02:00.003+08:00

...i made excuses for myself to delay going home after work. gi rwg beli brg kek, gi mkn dinner sesorg kat kedai, then tpakse gak balik rumah mengadap realiti. dan akhirnya setelah stgh jam ulang alik dapur dan ruang tamu pegang penyodok di tgn kiri dan batang mop sebelah kanan, sambil loya2 dan terlahak-lahak..akhirnya berjaya gak get rid of them. one was actually still alive, tu yg lg susah nak handle. serius dah berair-air mata by the time agkut the plastik sampah buang ke tong sampah dpn rumah tu. lps tu bersungguh plak tutup gap bwh pintu tu dgn batu-bata and jaring dawai, xde plyer, pakai tgn jek bengkokkan jaring dawai tu sampai sakit2 jari, seb baek x sampai luka. kena plak gi inject kancing gigi kang. might come as a joke to some, but this is not just abt the rats, but its more of a symbol of what i fear the most...being hopeless. tensen giler.tolong la tikus2 sekelian...gi la kacau umah org lain, jgn kacau umah ni dah...

tikus punye citer lg~

2011-11-28T14:21:00.002+08:00

OK..aku bukan main2 punye tensen ngan kes tikus ni eh. punyela absorbed dgn masalah geli nak buang tikus ni, siap menggogle bagai lg camne nak halau tikus! iiiiiihhhhhhh...mcm2 petua ade. yg buat aku rase nak lempang org nye tips --> buat sign tampal kat luar pintu rumah ' TIKUS DILARANG MASUK!'. huh.

masalah..err geli?

2011-11-28T08:18:00.002+08:00

ermmm...ada byk benda yg aku biasa buat sendiri. dan bila dtg benda yg aku x biasa buat sendiri, selalunye aku cuba gak, if is sthg yg aku leh belajar, bila dah terpaksa tu selalunye survive la gak. dulu awal2 ade keta, ade satu phobia bawak keta, esp after peristiwa eksiden ngan motor seawal bulan pertama bawak keta! tp sbb dah terpakse hari2, last2 overcome gakla..x kesah dah nak drive ke mana or bila2 masa pon dah. cuma lately ade sket concious pasal safety kalau drive mlm2/tpt sunyi. yg aku concern bukannya yg halus2@syaitan..tp lebih pd manusia yg bertopengkan syaitan. Nauzubillah. kdg2 tensen gakla esp biler dtg keperluan around the house ke yg melibatkan sthg yg bleh d.i.y tp a bit maskulin, perlu tenaga, teknik n tools. tho aku nye energy maybe relatively kuatla gak relative to many other women yg lamah lembut gemalai kat luar sana, tp certain things seyes give up, selalunye biler involve ketinggian, or yg memerlukan koordinasi tangan haha. wike ni tambah lg satu benda yg buat aku hopeless. benda yg geli!!!! sabtu ari tu pi gatai letak perangkap ga tikus kat pintu dapur, sbb ade tikus2 suka masuk invade rumah tru lubang bawah pintu..sabtu sblm keluar umah aku try cover lubang tu ngan sthg, pastu letak kadbod bergam tu betul2 dpn lubag...eeeeeee mlm td balik tgk2 ade 3 ekor tgh megiut-ngiut atas tu! uhhhhhhh. laa gak aku stare kat diorg pk ape nak buat.....seyes geli. tp decided to sleep on it. pagi ni konon nak buang. errr....tp pagi ni lg bertambah geli. aaaaaaaaa......guane nih! first kena figure out caner nak buang tu. pastu kena buat sthg utk elak tikus leh masuk lg. sbb kalau dia masuk lg aku akan tempted nak pasang trap lg pastu nanti aku gak yg geli tengkuk nak buang. huh.

pekak.

2011-11-24T21:55:00.004+08:00

o.t kat opis walaupon serious dah xde perasaan. tp kena survive the time that i'm still here..truth is the only thing that keeps me going is thinking that this will soon be over...ni perut dah lapar, kepala dah pusing, tpt kol 10 nak blk. sucks giler dok sini the past 3 hours, listening to somebody making jokes n chattin so cheerfully with others, pretending that i'm not listening. padahal ade some moments yg mcm dah nak TERsenyum n ketawa skali. tstt. that awkward moment when i realized that 'its' still in here :((

beautiful dream.

2011-11-22T14:24:00.003+08:00

..ermm. another weird2 dream after quite sometime. in my dreams last night i saw myself getting ready for err...getting married..? the whole family and friends were in the dream. close and good friends..even the kids, those beautiful lil ones i always call my 'flower girls' .:p. in it my family members were running here n there, ppl cooking and packing stuff. one of my sisters was putting 'inai' on my hands and feet, remember me saying, just make it simple, no weird tattoo-like stuff. i remember that i was feeling as light as air, feeling beautiful, feeling so happy..then it got too real i woke up, just abt 10 mins before subuh. and i thot, of cos it was just a dream. still a dream.

malam ahad yg sejuk dan bosan.

2011-11-20T22:43:00.004+08:00

hmm..my sundays these days are beginning to become like this. bosan dan senyap.

quiet and alone, like the whole day. i cud leave the house, maybe to the nearby tesco or 7e, just for the sake of leaving the house, and getting some contacts with another human being, but that makes it even more pathetic.

i cooked lunch..washed dirty laundry, even the bed sheet and pillowcases..spent more than an hour ironing 8 uniform shirts..watched some movie, slept in the evening.

had nothing to cook for dinner..err except maggie mee which i'm trying to avoid. lately its so easy to get stomach upset with just a bowl of maggie mee. serious, same issue. i cud go smwhere just tapau sthg or just eat there..but after a day home alone, doing that cud maybe make me cry. huh..

so just ignored it..settled adik's application for mrsm, tgk malam gala FFM on astro yg sgt bosan..tetiba td rase lain mcm, cam angin naik ke dada, dan sakit kepala..loya2 pastu muntah. hmm..jarang berlaku ni. selalu paling2 pon loya jek.

muntah on an empty stomach sgtla tak best. what a way to welcome the new week.

degil lagi padan muka.

upsr results is out!

2011-11-20T16:34:00.002+08:00

...owh missed the update on the 17th hehe. the last of us 5, my one and only not so little brother, just got his upsr results on thursday. somehow i knew he'd nail it given the record with previous xms and trials but well of cos la suspense gak. everybody was, except for him. haha. cool jek. dalam hati dunno la kan.

Alhamdulillah..he got 5As. as much as Abah always bebel that he never study at home - mmg pon - but he's just a kid who for now knows his stuff i think. boys especially, the fast pick up one, as long as they understand the stuff in the classroom, they usually dont need much study anyway. lgpon with tuition and stuff, balik rumah dah penah, nak main2 plak. lainla zaman 20 years ago ( my time??!!), mane ade tuition ke whatever, so terpaksela study kat rumah kan.

he was here yesterday with abah. abah kept saying how he never studied at home, asyik main je bla2...dilayan la smlm with a new pair of kasut bola that abah promised him ( in exchange with internet at home haha~). i know deep down inside abah is really proud of him, just like we are :p

am trying to figure out how to settle his online mrsm application by today. hope he makes it into one of those sbp or mrsm (prefer sbp somehow..). jauh ke dekat ke doesnt matter, if around kl ke pon ok gak. senang nak visit.

sunday lunch.

2011-11-20T15:57:00.002+08:00

its one of those..ermmm quiet days?

as of 4pm, i havent made contact to any living soul. haha. only the fish, which wasnt not living. but dead. hehe..

bought a jar of basil pesto yesterday. actually was planning to buy fresh basil but the place i went was out of stock of them, i found the basil pesto jar. ok gak. longer lifetime kan.

also bought a piece of really nice looking salmon fillet, salads and mushroom.

thot of cooking them for dinner actually, but it was already late so skipped dinner.

cooked them today.

made some marinate with the basil pesto and some tomato, salt, pepper etc. marinated the salmon for 30mins, while making some sauted mushroom and prepping up some salad.

pan fried the salmon nicely, then popped into the oven for abt 10mins just to make sure that its thoroughly cooked.

on the side to just some cold udon, which i ended up x makan abes pon. the salmon was quite a big portion. dgn mushroom n salad lagi. kenyang.

perang dingin tamat ~

2011-11-18T20:39:00.004+08:00

..well last few weeks i got in this messy drama with my boss at work it pushed me to work like an insane robot, and brought me to a stage where i actually really updated my c.v during the long break and started applying for jobs - for the first time after so many years..maybe i was just too emotional, but i was serious pissed off it got me to start planning for the way out. plus the extra factor of wanting desperately to be more 'economically stable', plus the temptation of not having to face that guy who broke my heart to pieces, not for pushing me away, but for being so heartless. its messy i dont think we cud even be friends. there will never be closure with this guy, since he's the ' run away' type. who will let some other ppl do the job for him rather than facing the issue himself. the type that wudnt mind at all loosing a friendship as long as it gives him his piece of mind. never mind, if thats what he wants. it sucks now but i'm sure it'll pass.

ehh ermm this is not supposed to be abt him!

its abt my boss. after the 'incident', we were sort of in a cold war. well, sort of, ermm i cud be stubborn when i'm mad haha. the whole time that i did all my work, avoiding unnecessary contacts or conversations. i dont even talk or speak unless i really needed to. actually what i do to ppl when i'm mad at them anyway. haha. he must hv known that i was mad, for good reason ok, for a while i think he sort of just leave me alone, leaving me just go on with my work in peace. mmg sgt aman damai wat keja x kena kacau.

ehh..for the record aku x dendam pon, tp bengang x abes. take time sket. ikut hati mmg malas nak friendly2 ngan boss dah, tp masuk this week boss cam dah lupa plak yg kami tgh perang dingin. aiseh. jumpe kat luar pon siap tegur. pastu kat opis dah wat cam biase. tho aku maintain kurang bercakap gak.

skali tu hari ni after work tgh dok gossip2 ngan one colleague, leh plak dtg dok sebelah, buat2 tanye sape dok bkt sentosa.."nak dtg umah saya besok? ada makan2 sket.." ramai2 org situ, leh plak dtg kat aku. haha~

akak yg lg sorg tu mmg bukan dok sentosa pon so ekcelinya dia nak invite sape ekcelinya ni?

boss2, main taktik kotor! x jadik i nak marah lama2 ~

action yg aku dah dan nak amek after what happened, is another story tho. itu mmg harus diteruskan. sori boss.

see..kan dah ckp. x dendam pon, cuma nyampah jek. aku mmg bukan jenis simpan lama, kdg2 tak payah org tu say the 'magic word' pon, if he or she tunjuk effort to make up, all ice cud usually melt into water immediately. berjaga-jaga utk kemudian hari mungkin, tp nak marah selama-lamanya tu, aku sendiri bukan manusia yg perfect, amat jauh dr perfect anyway.

ada org yg still bleh put up dgn aku nye pe'el dan craps, so others deserve the same from me too i guess.

kecuali bila betul2 sakit dan kecewa...itu mungkin akan dalam kesannya, dan ambil masa bertahun utk kembali..

...

2011-11-18T00:30:00.002+08:00

strangers again.

2011-11-17T12:50:00.002+08:00

its weird how two person were strangers and then became friends. then became strangers again.

swirly cupcakes ~

2011-11-17T00:11:00.003+08:00

baked more cuppies yesterday. birthday cupcakes.

purple is quite lovely :p

owh and i've learned how to make nice swirls ~

pak utih akad nikah dan bersanding ~

2011-11-14T23:10:00.006+08:00

uhuh.

highlight of the week, pakcik saya kawen~

my one and only pakcik. since mak has no brother and this one is the only pakcik on abah's side.

he's aged more than 45, truth is aku pon x sure umur dia bp. we've always known that he's not too well. stories are he's had it since he was small..he has histories of getting seizures and pass out when he's nervous or too tired. err actually he passed out on the wedding day of all his sisters. heh.

so we were worried that he might pass out on his on wedding day! huhu...mau kecoh!

the moment we stepped into the house on saturday morning for akad nikah, i cud see his face was white. sambil mulut terkumat-kamit, maybe baca selawat dan doa penenang hati..

it was so obvious that he was shaking that the imam (muda~) teased him a few times. but guess what, he wedded his wife in one lafaz. Alhamdulillah. semua lega ~~

to cut the story short, akad nikah was held in the morning, then later in the afternoon was the bersanding.

me n my sisters and mak helped putting up a nice cake, the sirih junjung and the bunga pahar. lain2 tu some other makcik buatkan.

thought i wont be taking so many pics but turned i got quite a few :p

enjoy!

eh...byk pulak gambar imam muda ni hehehe..

*2nd time 'jumpa' imam ni, the first time was when

i was on a shooting job*

selamat. dalam satu lafaz.

segak in pink!

tol no.1!

tol no.2!

tol no.3!

the family

hh

2011-11-12T13:44:00.001+08:00

did sthg on impulse yest. cut my hair short. short as in boy's cut short! and it's not been even a day and i miss it already! waaa....i want my long hair. tskt2. ade sket nyesal...pls grow long fast..

noktah.

2011-11-10T01:43:00.004+08:00

biarkan aku

menangis kerana dia

buat keakhir kali

air mata pedih

gugur dengan sendu

hingga ke alam mimpi

pahit dan sakit

noktah akhirnya

tanpa kata

-ombak rindu-

2011-11-09T20:31:00.001+08:00

Tuhan tolong lembutkan hati dia
Untuk terima ku seadanya
Kerna ku tak sanggup
Kerna ku tak mampu
Hidup tanpa dia di sisi ku

Tuhan aku tahu banyak dosa ku
Hanya ingat Kamu kala duka ku
Namun hanya Kamu yang mampu membuka
Pintu hatinya untuk cintaku

Malam kau bawalah rinduku
Untuk dirinya yang jauh dari ku
Agar dia tidak kesepian
Selalu rasa ada cinta agung

Hujan bawa air mata ku
Yang mengalir membasuh luka ku
Agar dia tahu ku terseksa
Tanpa cinta dia di hatiku

Hanya mampu terserah
Moga cahaya di penanti

Tuhan tolong lembutkan hati dia
Untuk terima ku seadanya

Kerna ku tak sanggup
Kerna ku tak mampu
Hidup tanpa dia di sisi ku

jalan2 bawak hati..

2011-11-08T23:48:00.000+08:00

..smwhere next month rase nak lari bawak diri sendiri smwhere. kasil clear kepala dan jiwa. am thinking pangkor@marina resort..or cameron highlands. tp berat kepada cameron ekceli..rase2 selamat x kalu nak sampai ke sana? sesorg is one thing, kereta tu konfiden slmt sampai atas pon ermm can x berape konfiden. takut smput jek. dah bertahun gakla teringin ni..last pegi dulu time darjah 5 kot. rombongan sekolah. kalau pangkor tu iA berani jek kot tp cam cliche sgt. ke nak gi tpt yg leh naik bas je? erm tioman pon leh sampai naik bas kot..open lg ke tioman skang?

Layla Yasmine, latest addition to the flower girls team :p

2011-11-08T23:27:00.004+08:00

took my own sweet time on saturday to come home for the aidiladha break, one of the reason was finishing orders of cakes. another reason was i wanted to meet some ppl along the way. left home around 1pm, but singgah sana sini, ended up in putrajaya at around 4pm. made an impromptu meet up with an ex-colleague + the wife and their little girl. hehe..actually if it was just the colleague, x jumpe pon xpe kot. but i' ve been wanted to see husna (the wife) and zuyyin(the little girl!) since forever, now zuyyin nak dpt adik dah pon~

it was just a brief meeting over late lunch ( ok really late lunch~) but i'm glad i got to see them.

then afterwards, on to my main plain. meeting the new born 2 day-old baby girl of bestfriend, cikyam. owh yes its another girl! little ayra no.2 in the house yo!

hehe..the name is Layla Yasmine. so sweet kan. as sweet as the baby. so bulat, so fair, so comel :p

after wan nor alia, baby of another bestie, amal. this is another one i get to pamper ~

*siap tersasul-sasul sebut nama alia time main2 dgn baby layla. lol~*

bodybreak?

2011-11-07T07:35:00.001+08:00

...I dont know why this is called a heartbreak. it feels like every other part of my body is broken too.

......

2011-11-06T23:40:00.000+08:00

.................. :-|............

dekat dan jauh.

2011-11-06T13:54:00.001+08:00

...dekat terasa jauh sbb xleh bercakap. jauh lglah terasa sesak, teringat-ingat tp xleh nak tanya khabar berita. haiih..cukupkah seminggu masa merawat sakit?

..dan lagi~

2011-11-05T06:04:00.005+08:00

*UPDATED: KERATAN RENTAS KEK NI, GENERAL SECTION HUHU..INGAT2 BALIK AKU PON X PENAH MAKAN YG VERSION R.V CAKE WITH CHEESECAKE LAYER NI. GOT THE IDEA FROM GOOGLE IMAGES PASTU TERUS RECOMMEND KAT ORG...AND PPL STARTED ORDERING.*

..ni plak hasil malam td. oven dan tuan punye oven bekerja x benti malam td buat kek. dahla siang keja kat opis non stop gak sampai maghrib. padahal org lain sumer balik on time sbb dah mood cuti panjang.

asalnye ade satu order jek, yg round 9" r.v cake tu. tetiba semalam dtg lg 2 orders - cupcakes, and another r.v cake. cam sayang nak say no. so dgn ambitious nye kata ok.

haha. dah mmg r.v tgh boom skang sumer org pon dah pandai nak order :p

the r.v cakes are the version with cheesecake layer in the center. dahla red velvet plus cream cheese frosting, ade plak cheesecake layer kat tgh hehe. sape suka cheese mmg pengsan lah :p

my sister's order - kek suka2 raya haji ~

a colleague's order.

the process, and inside and the cake :p

* dah start rase nak beli turn table, barulah senang meng-frosting kot!*

lagi kek suka2 utk raya haji - cupcakes version.

sheera's order.

cake & cupcakes - a friend's nikah goodies.

2011-11-04T23:40:00.002+08:00

here's another baking project i did recently, erm last week actually.

a friend insisted that i made her cake for hantaran for her nikah. and some cupcakes , not for hantaran but for her family to enjoy as well.

so here they are.

red velvet cupcakes.

moist choc cupcakes.

moist chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting.

....

2011-11-04T20:21:00.002+08:00

..........................................................................................................................................bertahan.. :-|.........

familiar stranger..

2011-11-03T23:30:00.003+08:00

after a week of working like there's no tomorrow, finally today balik awal, ke rawang beli baking stuffs..singgah dinner kat rawang sambil layan drama soffiya kat tv3. 2nd time of having dinner with just myself. learnt my lesson, this time i said loud and clear from the beginning, " nasik satu ehh ~ " so they wont hv the chance to ask the stupid question. i'm adapting.

balik ke bukit sentosa lalu highway instead of the usual rawang-sg choh-bukit beruntung. jalan jam giler! ade some MTUC piket...aku pon tak paham sgt whats the course. tak sempat nak figure out. by 8.30 gitu dah sampai umah.

seriously, kes aku geram dgn boss last friday menyebabkan aku ade this abnormal pushing factor. ikutkan mmg tak logik amount of hours yg aku keja tu, like hours a day camtu tp takmo bagi excuse utk boss buat cam hari tu lg, so mmg truly push to the limit. in fact. sampai terfikir nak bawak uniform dtg office, mandi and tido terus situ jek. sbb balik lambat, pastu tido pon dah x bape nyenyak, risau jek tak terbangun pagi2. ok luckily tak shower kat office kalau ade, mmg ade yg tido opis kang!

few days tinggal sorg2 kat opis sampai lewat malam tho honestly ade gak takut sket2, takut kat opis tu satu, takut time balik umah tu satu - guess i've grown soft haha~

so finally today by 9pm dah settle down kat umah wat keja2 rumah - basuh baju, lipat baju..sambil tu sempat gak bakar satu kek, ade org order nak esok. sempat lg kemas bilik etc..right now tgh tunggu kek sejuk, utk keluarkan from the pan and simpan lam fridge, if sempat maybe leh iron uniform keja 2-3 helai so that nanti lps raya haji dah ade baju keja siap sedia..esok another day at the office, praying xde lah benda2 menambahkan stress. esok hari last before cuti raya haji kompem spoil mood kalau kena stayback lg.

meanwhile..its been 3 weeks since i last talked to mamat tu. puncanya, sbb aku terasa. kecik hati sbb his reaction pada effort yg aku buat to cheer him up on his bday. i know, aku patut ikhlas n tak harap ape2, tp too much ke nak dia at least tunjuk neutral je at least? up to a point rase cam malu ada, hopeless ade, aku ni menyemakkan, menyusahkan ade. its still hard. esp. that tiba2 time ni la suddenly start projek baru, sama satu projek lak tu, task area dkt2 so mmg ade jek kena keja skali. thot i'll be ok, biler dan kalau perlu work related leh je buat bodo mcm biase..tp apsal lama2 aku rase mcm instead of aku yg kecik hati and trying to figure out camne nak face benda ni, apsal mcm dia yg lebih ignore aku sebenarnye? even work related nye stuff yg sepatutnye info tu kena ckp kat aku skali pon, dia buat cam aku tak wujud. ckp ngan org lain jek, assuming yg aku dengar or org lain akan inform. mmg la tpt buat keja dkt2 so selalunye mmg aku akan overheard la. ape yg payah sgt utk dia buat biase je, like it didnt mean anything langsung yg kitorg friends selama ni..ke selama ni friends sbb aku je yg terhegeh-hegeh? so kalau aku tak cakap dulu, ape dia xleh cakap dulu? ke benci sgt? sampai nak sebut nama pon susah? sedih, terkilan semua bercampur aduk. lucky this last week keja busy sgt s smpt nak layan..cuma terpendam jek.

mmg complicated. on one hand, mmg ada ego dlm hati. its not that i cant live without him pon, i thot. tp at the same time agak tersiksa jiwa. dgn dia yg within sight most of the time, ketawa dan memek muka dia tu sentiasa remind me why i fell in the first place..and not being able to speak or respond or laugh along with him is just heartbreaking. terasa kehilangan, mcm satu hilang satu benda happy hidup. i found myself laughing or saying things i wish i cud say, dalam hati.

i guess, when somebody broke ur heart he cant be ur friend cos he's causing u pain. and he cant be ur enemy cos u love him. he just become the most familiar stranger..

meal for one..

2011-11-01T22:29:00.002+08:00

hari ni dlm sejarah..mcm smlm, balik kol 10 gak, org lain sumer balik awal ari ni. bleh je gak balik awal, since d/line yg konon2 urgent sampai aku kena fire jumaat lps tu dah di postpone ke lps raya. tp ade je lg yg kena buat lg, still nak push buat secepat dan sebaek mungkin. as much as i wanted to come home early and catch up on house chores sumer. so stay jugak, asalnye plan sampai 8pm tp tuptup sampai kol 10gak. owh ape yg hari ni dlm sejarah? sejarahnya, instead of pening2 balik tensen tatau nak makan ape, tensen pusing2 round bk sentosa trying to decide, hr ni terus singgah kedai makan feveret, order nasik, sup ayam, telur dadar, teh tarik. 2 kali budak tu tanye nasik berapa? hampeh. malas nak tapau, kang kena basuk pinggan lak..xde masa dah nak masuk dapo. so here i am..tgh tunggu order sampai. bosan giler seyes, tp nak buat caner. sooner or later mmg kena biasekan tebalkan muka makan sesorg kat kedai...its abt time.

terrible loner.

2011-10-31T22:54:00.003+08:00

working my tuuuut off like crazy over the weekend, while still sticking to other important personal matters in life, friends important days etc. i wudnt want to miss their special moments because of some adhoc work, there still wasnt enuff time anyway. it wud break my heart to break my promises esp. to the few ppl that matter. only in doing so over the weekend, i had to some into the office afterwards, later in the eve. stayed untill later than 11.30pm on both saturday n sunday, alone in the office. tried my best not to think abt..ehem being alone in the building. tho honestly it wasnt that difficult, truth is i am more aware abt danger posed by human, bad people than of..ermm the supernatural..? i'm beginning think abt getting lights with timer for my home, so i dont have to get that cill down my spine everything i'm standing there in the dark fumbling over my keys to open the grill and the door..everytime i'm walking across the empty parking lot i wonder can i run fast enuff if suddenly a dog come after me, or worse some bad man with bad intentions..? what if i got a flat tyre? i dont even know if my spare tyre is well inflated. ok, got to check on that soon. owh n the tools. shud get one of those jack, the one that will be easier to operate . i changed my own tyre once, and it took me an hour because of the stupid jack. i think i even managed to ruin the tool that cae with the car. haha. ermm..ok, on a serious note, gotta get the right tool set as well. but what if its not tyres, if its sthg else..huh. car wudnt start ke. and its nea midnight. who wud i call? i just lost the last reliable gentleman around..to an institution called a marriage. haha. hmm. ok fine maybe i cud call ah chai the mekanik....today btw, i thot maybe i cud leave the latest by 8pm ke..it wudnt be too late then for some decent hot meal, maybe gi mkn n.lemak ke or tapau some hot chicken soup or tomyam..but ended up in the office till 10++pm..stomach already growling like mad, head hurts..drove back home but instead of going straight back home, i started going around and around, deciding what to eat at this hour..truth is i feel like eating hot food, rice with chicken soup and telur dadar at my fav place, like old happier times, but to tapau at this hour? the place will be full of people. just cudnt do it. in the end i just parked my car smwhere by the road, and sedar2 i was crying. this is not what i want my life to be for even another year. feeling like there's no place to call 'home' after long hours at work. decided to just sleep on the empty stomach. i cud use some sleep nway, it will be another long day tomorrow.

reason no.10

2011-10-30T09:12:00.002+08:00

ok i found reason no.10. my boss just turned from annoying to an assho*e. everything we've been told to do for the past week was crazy but no one's complaining cos, well we're kinda used to it. its what happenes at every project. only this time its even worse. but when he had to blame me, giving me very unproffesional remarks - via sms ok! for sthg that wasnt even my fault, but really due to his messed up planning - totally fail as a leader la ok, thats it. i just snapped. pppl wonder why i'm still here tho the work's not so good, the pay is jus so-so. well i'm here because i like the job enuff i outweigh everything else. but this time i really cant accept it. if its sthg i've done wrong then by all means yell all u want pon i wont feel this way lah. ok maybe i'd cry or be down or whatever but i wont feel this way! now for the first time ever i am serious2 thinking that its time to tender. in fact i want to tender a.s.a.p. if only i've got more cash in the bank, no car loan to pay, no balance amount to pay for my umrah etc..i seriously wud draft my tender letter now. but because of all that i cant. i need to find a new job first before i quit. i need the bonus first of all, ad the security of a new job. i was so down when this happened friday night that i cudnt think nor eat nor sleep but came yesterday it was just revenge. i got all fired up to commit to this one task and do even more that i usually did, went into the office in the morning, then later wet to baby alia's kenduri aqiqah and then later in the eve again went into the office untill midnight. i vow to go all the way to satisfy all these greedy mad people and never give them the chance to screw me. i'll savour that sweet revenge later. meanwhile i'll start looking and considering my options. target by feb, either before or after umrah. i know its difficult actually to find a place i will find equally interesting, but for the reason i'm doing this now, anything else wud seeminteresting. as long as at least pays me equal money, good medical benefits and good location.

red velvet cupcakes - 1st bday aliya batrisya

2011-10-28T02:07:00.003+08:00

its a busy day!

fuuu..dgn keja kat opis yg suddenly buat kepala pening, i've commited to a few orders to be ready tomorrow, so as usual lah malam ni buat..non stop la keja ari ni dr kol 8am kat opis, balik 8.30pm pastu sambung lak wat kek sampai tgh mlm huhu..penat2. tp sbb dah berjanji kan.

so this one, is red velvet cupcake, 16 pcs. for a good friend's wife's sister's soon to turn 1y.o daughter, aliya batrisya. haha. kompius? hehe..that's the simplified version actually.

now i dont actually take orders for customized decorated cuppies, what i've posted on my FB are mainly cakes n cupcakes with monotone simple presentation. all the same look in one box. heh. never done birthdays or whatever.

but when they requested these, specificly with strawberries and some writings, i did posted some photos of cuppies with strawberries long-long time ago, x expect la plak ade or minat. cant say no though, tho i had to remind again that i dont do deco. simple2 boley lah ye.

btw serik dowh carik strawberries susah haha. dari carrefour to cold storage last2 beli kat MBG kat the curve. seb baek ade pheww..

so here goes, red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.

price: normal 16 pcs = rm30

(+rm3 for box with window, +rm5 for strawberries).

korang rase pricing ni caner? ok ke k.o?

excuses?

2011-10-27T19:06:00.002+08:00

one, i dont know how to approach my current boss kecik - one of the very few 'difficult' bosses around here. two, which is caused by no.one - i can already anticipate whole load of stress at work, mountains of never ending tasks, and no life for the next half a year or so. even worse when the boss is not the 'siling' type. owh i miss my old boss kecik! three, its not fun when i dont enjoy the work anymore. first time was fun, the 2nd time is cliche. four, not to mention the frustration of being under appreciated. it takes a hundred years to be promoted ad stuff. five, i need a significant monthly income raise if i were to buy a house and maitaining it all by myself, well since i'm gonna hv to pay for everything around the house from changing the light bulb to fixing the pipes. d.i.y never works. while still enjoying the things i love like eating n travelling. and living care-free. yep its come to a point where i relate 'happiness' in life with money. planning for those things i can buy since nothing can be done for the things that i cant.bitter? yep. seven, owh did i mention i kinda hate my boss n my work. tho i love my friends here? eight, last but not least, in fact the biggest reason of all, there's this guy i kinda hate but love all at the same time, causing me so much misery and tears. maybe if i dont hv to see him everyday it will all go away. i.m actually so desperate to get over it that i've actually stopped talking at all, ok me and my ego. causing myself even more misery. the heart kinda stops a few seconds at the mere sight or scent or thought of him. seriously gotta run away before i turn myself into a serial killer cum stalker!aah x suka!!!!!!good enuff excuses to update that outdated c.v already and get a new job? i cud use a new environment and meet new ppl anyway. ok thats nombor nine already..i only meed one more excuse to go.

time-tracking.

2011-10-24T12:49:00.001+08:00

lost track of time. but the timing is exactly right.

a week after...

2011-10-23T13:26:00.003+08:00

where? office pantry.

when? peanut butter cheese bday-cake day.

as told by someone who was there when they were cutting the cake..

anon: bestnye F (=Mr.Z)..saper wat ni?

akak kepoh Y: alaa ni g.f dia buaatt laa~

anon: laa ye ke F. ala aku ni selalu la last tau kapel2 ni ~

all happening while ade a few other ppl lg in teh pantry at that moment..

few minutes after i came in, and that was when i noticed Mr.Z acting all weird. the rest is history..

hmm..i did suspect mcm ade somebody provoke him in some way. before that he was ok jek. and well, why am i not suprised when it comes to who did. mmg jenis cakap ikut sedap mulut and tak fikir consequence kat org lain. mcm la aku tak penah kena before this.. x abes2.

ape masalah tah. cakap org lain 'uneducated' konon. she ought to check the mirror sometime.

naseb baek la aku bukan type yg suka nak confront2 org ni. *tp bukan tak pernah la ye..aku sendiri yg takut dgn diri sendiri nanti*

the whatever cake.

2011-10-22T17:20:00.002+08:00

*update: memula cam sayang nak cut the cake. tp last2 tak tahan lapar..br sedar tak makan ape selain roti french toast pagi td.

the verdict? very moist flavorful cake. i'll be making this next week, using hershey's cocoa like the recipe says, am sure it will even more delicious!

its a quiet weekend. housemate will be gone for hajj abt 50 days from today, tho she only leaves for Makkah next thursday.

it suddenly feels very2 quiet.

woke up realizing i hv'nt made any plans for the weekend. did the usual stuff, washing, ironing, cooked brunch. and by 11am, am already bored. so took out my baking stuff and started whipping up a chocolate cake. trying a new recipe from one of the books i bought at the BBW sale. and then frosted it with my favourite cream cheese frosting, practicing for next week hantaran cake for that friend. even made some borders with pink cream. haha.

ehem. gotta keep it simple.

so here you go, a whatever cake for no reason at all i dont even have the heart to dig in.

officially home alone for 50days.

2011-10-22T16:29:00.002+08:00

almost cried in front of my boss yesterday.

he didnt do anything mean, no nothing like that but i was just overwhelmed and scared at having to choose between two.

yesterday finally after months of honeymoon-at-work, yep been having it easy-breezy the last couple of months, a meeting was called among us on a new project. fuu finally. ok its been on and off but i was never near it before. suddenly they called that meeting, explained the schedule and arrange our names on the board, as in who would be doing what etc2.

ehem..i wud be doing exactly the same exclusive part as my last project..hmm..boring..but not that we cud choose.

it didnt crosse my mind that time but during lunchtime it suddenly came to mind..ehem it sounded like the project will be in full swing by early of next year, when i have already planned the 2 weeks annual leave for the much anticipated Umrah. not much updates from makcik2 who are arranging the trip, but so far insyaAllah the plan is on, we even hv a date already. i dont want to reschedule, honestly i dont want to bother these people who are nice enough to ask me to join them along, and if i miss this one i really dont see another one coming soon after that..

so went to see the small-boss. got some hints about the schedule for february~march..and urmm some advice. he adviced me to talk to the bigger-boss. freaked me out a bit.

thot i cud see him just before 5.45pm so that i dont hv to be stucked with him for too long..but it didnt work out as the boss was busy chatting with the small boss. i gave up then..thot maybe monday.

so went back..or actually went to the car and tried to go back. but it was one of those fridays when EVERYONE wanted to go back on time. plus the rain..the car was literally stuck at the parking lot. not moving.

fed up, so ended up parking the car at another spot, and walked back into the office. hoping that the boss would still be in. owh he was.

waited for him to finish his coffee break. the look on his face when i said " Is** san, nak jumpa jap" was priceless. mcm kalau toreh tak kuar darah.haha. i should have had an envelope or sthg heh.

nways, didnt know how to start. serious, it should be no big deal. but i dont do this often. i just do what i'm told to do. ok sometimes i complain but just to release the stress.

ok so after a few moments of urrmm and aahmm..i dropped it. said i will be taking a leave for 2 weeks in feb, cannot reschedule and all..he asked "nak gi mana?" tho i suspected the small-boss already dropped him the hint, so i had to tell him abt it. originally i planned to apply for the leave maybe 1 1/2 month prior. but under this circumstances, i had to lah.

the boss was avoiding mmy eyes. haha. maybe he didnt know what to say so he just fumbled about for papers, schedule, checked his computer..and finally said that it will actually be a very busy time. so either somebody fill me in or i got to release the job to somebody else from the beginning..which is still subject some discussion with the bigger-boss and the smaller-boss. uhuh...kompius kan i have so many bosses.

so urmm..excused myself, and went home. was a bit shaky when i left the office. ye lah after a good long time of happy2 at the office, its finally time to get back to bussiness. if i'm staying, i need to commit. more that i have done so previously. but the timing this time around is just bad. i know from previous experience that its impossible to even take one day leave during the peak time so urmm..

but this is important for me, i've been so into this thing..tho its still months to go but am taking the time to learn, improve myself, visualize, pray..it will break my heart if i cudnt go.

somehow maybe this is a challenge, to see if i really want it and yes there's no doubt. its all i want for now.

owh and amazingly i have been surrounded by stories of haji, umrah these past few weeks. housemate officially left yesterday for a few days leave before berangkat for hajj with her mother. and i was the emotional one when we hugged good byes yesterday. i'm so happy for her, to go at such a young age. such an inspiration. now it is my goal to save as much as i cud as soon possible for my parents and myself so we cud go for hajj together. listening to her stories abt her previous umrah and about how she finally got on that list this year, just gave me hope. there are better things in life, and in the after life i cud set as my goal.

i dont know what the bosses decision wud be..but no matter what, i'll do what it takes to still proceed with my plans, and try to make everybody at work happy.

praying for the best.

(in)security issues.

2011-10-20T14:07:00.003+08:00

....status on a friend's fb wall caught my attention this morning. from the status i understood that somebody tried to break into her house last night@early morning. tsk. creepy nye! made it worse when she had no phone credit, so se cudnt call out and had to resort to fb. ok another benefit of social network sites. was waiting for her to update later but didnt get o read it untill well after lunch time. what the! it wasnt just an attemp! the man actually got into the house, and tried to get into her room, luckily she woke up and screamed. the man took off in panic. well lucky he got panic, what if he got more bold?? urghhh this is so disturbing. i will be staying alone from starting this weekend untill mid of december, thats abt one and a half month. we never had any security issue but really, i seems like sthg that cud happen by chance. the grille gate is basicly just a simple one that even a kid cud jump over it. the grille at the door is always locked with a pedlock, but urmm we all know thats not too hard to pick. the door knob is quite new, just got i changed last few months but, it is now a bit loose- results from some knocks last few weeks when housemate accidentally left her keys inside and got locked out. my room's door knob basicly doesnt work anymore, so yep i never lock the door. owh my. even tho i lived alone over 3 years previously, i was never scared, because well i just wasnt. i don hv ppl worrying abt me abt these things so maybe thats y i never really thot abt it. but now, i am actually quite scared. maybe because i'm not used to staying alone in the house alone for a long period of time. i do get weird feelings sometimes when i'm alone on weekends, some sounds outside. but thats probably just dogs or cats o rats..huhu.. i told myself a hundred times to save the phone number of the nearby police station, but never did. maybe i shud, nope, i am doing it right now. now the only concern i cannot stop thinking is what if..what if one day the odd happens to me? what i didnt wake up quick enuff? there's always been 2 cars parked in front, so what if it attracts attention of the wrong ppl that suddenly it became 1? huh..this is disturbing. i used to be carefree, even for my own safety. but i'm a paranoia now. guessin it won be long before i stopped driving around in my car alone for my long single driving trips.

random.

2011-10-20T11:50:00.003+08:00

beginning of an end.

2011-10-19T17:41:00.005+08:00

..kesimpulan yg akhirnya terpaksa diambil bukan mudah, and the only way to at least make it easy to survive the beginning few days is to draw away. Allah je la yg tau mcm mana rasanya dlm hati, bleh terasa magnet hati tu meronta-ronta, but this seems to be the only way i know of how to stay away from continuing feeling it. cabarannya mmg dalam diri sendiri, bukan pada dia, bukan pada org lain dan bukan pada keadaan. masa memujuk hati mungkin akan berlalu perlahan, tp ape lg yg boleh aku buat lg kan? i've done what i cud, even what i thought i never cud,as much as i tried not, everything i do wud give him that perception, and i never got the chance to know and be known. finally selebihnya Allah yg Maha Mengetahui. even tho ade sedikit ralat, sbb again i lost to the pressure and it seems i can never let my feelings be truly known now. cuma cuba belajar menyayangi diri sendiri drpd membiarkan perasaan yg tak tentu akhirnya terus menyiksa. tak sabar menjadi hati yg lebih kuat dan redha.

peanut butter cheesecake - the inside vers.

2011-10-19T12:50:00.004+08:00

ermm..here's how previously baked peanut butter cheesecake is like in the inside. from the bottom layer up - chocolate brownies - peanut butter cheesecake layer - plain cheesecake layer and then topped with chocolate ganache. peanut butter makes the cheesecake so much yummier! unless of cos if one doesnt like peanut butter :-)

cupcaKes orders ~

2011-10-19T12:09:00.008+08:00

baked cupcakes for orders on monday night, and passed to the order-ers(?!!) yesterday. there were 2 of them, one is a colleague, ordered red velvet and black bottom cupcakes for her father's bday. another one ordered a bi batch of red velvets..err because she's actually craving! pregnant lady, who didnt even know me but she saw a random picture a friend kindly posted on fb. owh the power of social media networks. hehe..think i've grown quite comfortable making these cuppies. they hv become quite consistent, after a few twists here and there. owh, the colleague who bought the cupppies for her father's bday sent me a picture later on of how the cuppies look on the cupcake stand. cute la plak! if la i hv my own place, ade excuse to call ppl over for mkn2, i want one of these stands too! owh in case anyone's interested and hvnt seen them on my fb, these are now available with 1week notice, min rm30/16@rm45@/25pcs, rm57@/32pcs. free delivery within rawang~up to selayang areas. ermmm...further than that tink we cud work sthg out. shut, still x survey canerr nak deliver. that, i also need to create a name to call my cakes, also start on some sort of graphics for promo. uhh so not areas of expertise.

possible new project!

2011-10-17T00:46:00.002+08:00

ok here's sthg exciting and less touchy finally :)) last night got an email from a friend(from school), asking me if i cud do her wedding hantaran cake. *gasp* uhuh..this is not the first time ekceli, i've had ppl asking me if i take orders before..i wud just say that i only do simple limited stuff, normally just for makan2, not for special occasions..sbbnye aku mmg x reti nak deco2, the part yg slightly difficult to self-teach hehe..so did the same thing, told her she might wanna someone more pro doing i for her, even recommended someone, but she replied later insisting that she doesnt mind simple, minimalist design, as long as she gets delicious cakes. ehem, konfiden sgt tu x la, but i do hv few items i think are quite delicious hehe..kebetulan, i was just planning to make a wedding hantaran cake for my one n only uncle who's getting married next month. so i do hv some ideas in mine. no fondant, swirls and stuff but well, i got some ideas and back up plans. the options are now down to moist choc cake + red velvet cupcakes, as requested by the friend, probably will use cream cheese frosting on both. then for pak utih i'll make that red velvet cake, with cheese cake layered and cream cheese frost. excited to make these two projects happen. now i need to find a way how to combine a cake and cupcakes on one dulang hantaran. gotta find the friend a stand or sthg. owh and the majlis nikah is actually next week, saturday morning. so uhuh not a lot of time to look around. wish me luck guys! i probably will have to think seriously abt taking some cake decoration class or sthg....p/s, my sunday yesterday finally ended nicely. watched the real steel which was very good! and also had supper at my fav. nasik lemak stall i've been craving for more than 2 months..all done with good friends who i know are more worthy and at least probably care more that the one i cried for. i shud make more efforts being happy with these ppl rather than expecting anything from some other ppl who probably never wud notice if i'm gone anyway. except, being happy is not sthg one cud try.. right?

emotional breakdown.

2011-10-16T18:55:00.002+08:00

..i've had many breakdowns. rumah, office tu dah biase.

rule no.1, biler breakdown, jgn sampai kantoi dek org. nanti ape nak jawab biler ade org tanye 'apsal mata merah?' lol..lagi mau tanye. pernah jek hampir kantoi kat opis. tp kat opis generally no prob, nak duduk satu jam lam toilet pon xde sape nak kacau. unlimited supply of tissues and super clean wangi toilet la katakan. biasenye duduk 10~20 mins, nagis puas2 pastu biasenye lega la..bad times, it may repeat again and again tho.

tp hari ni different story.

left home after zohor around 2pm. dgn perut kosong, hv not eaten anything since last night's roti sosej&milk as dinner+supper. diet? langsung tak berniat..kalu diet aku akan dgn gembiranya makan buah, cereal etc. biler diet tu berniat, i'd normally enjoy it.

ingat nak singgah jek kedai nasik campur kat rawang yg ade aku nye favourite asam pedas, kira leh terima la tho x sesedap mak nye asam pedas of cos. sekali tutup lak..maybe sbb wiken kot.

another shop kat jln rawang-selayang pon tutup..ape ni??! sumer pon tutup..ape weekdays jek ke leh mkn asam pedas? huh.

drive slow2..end up around 3pm sampai OU. sthg menyebabkan aku dak berjalan back and forth trying to settle sthg. ikutkan dah xde hati..tp nanti sia2 pulak drive sampai OU. nak tgk movie sebenarnye..dalam satu hari yg memenatkan ni, at least ade lah buat satu benda kan.

OU sgt sesak dgn manusia..families doing shopping, kids running here and there. sedar2 jek aku dok berjalan pusing2 at the same area for 2 rounds..this is not where i normally come for comfort. the MPH is so now browsers friendly..thot of going to jusco nye foodcourts carik cthg to eat tp dah x larat nak jalan jauh from the new wing...sedar2 rasa kepala dah melayang almost like nak pitam, i recognize that feeling, ni yg aku rase last week waktu hampir nak pitam sakit gigi tu..

and sedar2 jek rasa muka panas, dada sesak and mata dah penuh ngan air macam kolam. rase cam org yg phobia berada di tpt awam. got to the nearest toilet, and berkurung for almost half an hour.

cos again the rule of thumb of having a breakdown, to not get caught. u dont want to create a scene lol.

air mata mencurah-curah..yg aku dok tahan2 over the weekend, yg aku dok push diri utk tak layan sgt tp last2 kat tpt ramai org ni pulak dia nak burst..and when it comes, mmg there's no way of making it stop, sampai la rasa puas. i knew that kalau aku biarkan it wud be impossible for me to survive another 4 hours before the movie with some friends - adhoc planning, thankfully berjaya got the ticks.

am grateful for these friends yg sudi nak temankan di hari yg sunyi.

got on the phone ( via texting) with a good friend, that i hope wont get emotionally effected with me sharing what i was going through..a friend yg mmg kalau bg advise bleh buat aku lg nangis actually tp amazingly again and again buat aku lega pastu. it didnt make all my worries and concerns go away, but at least made me feel ok for now...

was still feeling confused but kuar dr toilet br perasan surau kat sebelah je rupanya..so terus masuk surau, kebetulan asar pon br masuk...setel solat asar, br rasa tenang sket. sambung gakla nangis jap dlm berdoa..tp duduk dpn skali, rasenye org tak pasan pon. again, the rule of thumb..eheh..

bukan tpt ku di OU hari ni nampaknye..its not very friendly with ppl like me. made way to the curve, claimed my tickets, owh we're watching the real steel ye btw. cant wait. singgah ikea beli very cute cupcake liners for tomorrow order ( malam ni kena stay up buat!)

finally had my first meal kat starbucks ikano, ermm cinnamon roll+big mug of hot choc ( consider a meal? rm20.15 for sugar jek ekceli..abes stgh mug je pon, manis sgt. but the cinnamon roll was super delicious.

despite everything..something really exciting came up just this very moment actually.

will share the insights in a later entry k.

chiow.

...

2011-10-15T23:45:00.002+08:00

tsk..card reader lak mcm rosak. xleh nak detect biler cucuk kat laptop :((

cable entah ke mane dah...

nways..

its one of those weekends yg x berape 'kondusif' utk stay kat umah walaupon kalau ikutkan hati wiken ni nak dok umah 48jam, menguarantinkan diri, ,maybe marathon reading buku2 yg dibeli kat BBW books sale last week.

only that, wiken2 kalu dok umah xleh nak dok bilik sgt, sbb panas bukan calang2 esp. time matahari mmg menghala ke bilik ni. kalau dok umah jugak mcm2 nak setel, keja umah cam membasuh, mengiron uniforms utk seminggu, masak2 etc - semuanya dilakukan di ruang bawah la kan.

but its one of those rare weekends yg ade ramai 'visitors' bermalam..secara semulajadinya, segan dan kurang reti nak berdiri atau duduk. segan tu satu hal, kena bertudung bagai tu satu hal gak la. kena minggu2 yg kebetulan aku busy dgn aktiviti or balik kampung or tak kisah nak membawa diri bershopping atau melepak di starbucks sepanjang hari tu xpelah..

tp biler kena wiken yg at least one day tu nak berehat-rehat memandomkan diri kat umah..mati kutu gak tatau mane ape nak buat, mane nak gi. especially this wiken, yg kalau ikutkan mmg malas nak jumpe spesies manusia lain..patut layan jek ubat doktor yg mengantuk tu, tido ala2 pengsan.

ari ni, sabtu end up keluar waktu sarapan bawak ke serendah, jumpe kawan lama yg dah lebih 2 thn x jumpe. kawan sama masuk keja dulu, tp dia dah pindah ke tpt lain, this wiken balik umah mak dia kat serendah bwk anak2 2 org since the husband is away on bis trip. ok, so killed time sampai almost 12pm. balik umah tgk2 org sumer takde, so sempatla bake red velvet cupcakes adhoc version utk bawak gi kids bday party@house warming rumah kawan kat bkt jelutong. tu pon x sempat siapla gak..kol 2pm gitu diorg dah balik, tp siapkan je lah dressing up cupcakes tu dalam kepanasan dapur huhu..siap2 terus keluar ke bkt jelutong...

lepak lama jugak sembang2 catch up, everyone loved the cupcakes. senang hati sekejap. biler buat org appreciate mmg sejuk lerr hati..

balik dr bkt jelutong, x terus balik umah la of cos. mengelak dr balik awal. so lepak borders the curve sampai nak tutup. end up dkt kol 11 br sampai umah..meriah lg nampaknye. xde energy nak bersosial, lgpon diorg dah lepak2 baring2 kat bwh tu sian lak kang x selesa kalau aku ade skali..

huuuuh..

mengeluh memikirkan esok ke mana nak bawa diri. honestly penat nak drive jauh2 bawak diri..ye aa rawang bukan ade ape. nak gi tgk baby alia n amal, fikir 2-3 kali sbb sedang membawa virus.ke the curve/ ou tanpa tujuan setakat lepak kat borders/mph reading or browsing the internet, kalau ikutkan mmg x praktikal, dan membazir.

ini lah yg tak best..kawan2 mmg ramai tp semua dgn komitmen masing2, nak jumpe kena buat appointment..buat plan itu ini.tp biler masa2 camni, dah hari ni br nak kalut, sp yg free nak meneman? mati kutu la jawabnye nak spend the whole day sorg2...sadis.

kalau dok umah leh jek tido or menghabeskan buku2 yg tak berbaca lg ni..ade lebih dr 10 ni!

honestly inilah dia paranoia yg tak berjaya lg kikis biler memikir soal 'hidup sendiri'. especially knowing that it will happen more and more frequent in the future..and kalau sampai ke sudah aku xleh nak handle, penatla jawabnye nak melayan resah dan kelam kabut.

so mane satu pon, sama ade memerap dlm bilik satu hari esok..atau lari ke mana2 mengeraskan punggung duduk layan kopi dan buku sampai ke malam..ke dua2nya bakal membawa kepada isnin yg x berapa segar dan refreshed. especially this monday..when i wish i cud just skip work for a little longer...

patching up.

2011-10-15T00:39:00.001+08:00

..learning that those 3 words, 8 letters dont come out right when no one wants to hear them.

lapa nasik..

2011-10-14T19:54:00.002+08:00

eRMM..situasi yg betul2 buat aku homesick. slept a good 5 hours after mkn ubat siang td. sipi2 nak terlajak asar! naseb baek tersedar dlm sebelum pkl 7. setel solat asar, then tunggu maghrib perut dah nyanyi2. ye la siang td pon cuma mkn pisang goreng je b4 mkn ubat..ni sgtla lapar nasik, kalau dpt ngan sup ayam n telur dadar pon dah cukup. tp..cam segan nak menapau balik umah, sbb mak hsemate ade kat umah. nak masak pon sama la segan gak, x larat la pon nak masak demam2 ni. siang td sblm naik tido makcik tu ade gak pelawa makan nasik dia masak simple2, tp seganla jugak sbb hsemate pon tak balik tghari td..kalau dia ade skali tu ok gak. whatsapp sorg member, satu2nye member that i cud think of yg maybe ade dkt2 sini, tp dah otw keluar la plak, so xlehla nak ajak teman makan kat kedai..hmm kalau kat kampung ngan mak kan senang. leh makan nasi panas2 ngan lauk mak masak simple2 pon xpe..kalau kecik2 lu time demam mesti abah tanye nak ape, pastu mesti jawab nak kfc :-) lalu la pulak mkn kfc ek heh. waa..sadis sungguh xde sape nak teman. some friends yg aku tau sanggup teman sumer jauh luar kwsn..xkan aku nak drive sampai ke putra heights sana kot just for dinner. tho aku pena buat sblm ni, tp dlm demam2 ni..ni x mkn kang xleh mkn ubat lak..mcm kena pecah tradisi jek, gi mkn sorg2 kat kedai order nasik n sup ayam. x pernah ku buat...waaa.. :((

demam..

2011-10-14T13:54:00.003+08:00

akhirnya..antibodi ku kalah jugak. ingakan kena tipu doktor utk mcm ari ni. rupanya, bila doc check temp, 38.6 deg c ye. pagi td bgn malas nak measure temp sendiri sbb mlm td measure cantik je 36.9. xkan thermometer br beli tu rosak kot? aku sendiri x ingat biler last skali demam. sejak start keja mmg paling2 pon batuk n selsema jek, tak penah membawa ke demam. rase mcm x penah demam kat nihon dulu, waktu final year ade kena chicken pox, tu pon dia keluar tanpa demam, sampai doktor pelik. kat um pon cam x penah demam..so kalau track balik maybe last skali demam zaman skolah2 dulu kot. so lebih 12 thn gakla bertahan..Alhamdulillah, nikmat sihat. Alhamdulillah jugak Allah bg sakit. sbb Allah sayang hamba2nya, peluang terampun dosa2 kecil. hmm..tulah, stress sgt layan perasaan sampai antibodi badan pon give up, kena plak mmg time x berapa sihat. cancel nak gi jumpe yam sbb doktor kata ubat2 tu mengantok..nak gi jenguk amal n baby alia pon xleh, not good for baby. so i guess mmg no coice but to layankan aje pesa doc to sleep n rest. ubat yg dimakan half a hour ago da mula terasa kesannya, mata dah berat. so good by world. i'm off to bed..hopefully wake up feeling better, physically and emotionally...

final verdict...

2011-10-14T09:50:00.002+08:00

hmm..i knew i cudnt and shudnt expect anything, but what i wanted to do was just to show all the things i had no courage to say...and nothing feels worse than feeling as tho he doesnt care at all. or maybe he's uncomfortable with it...its almost as if he was avoiding me the whole day. i put that ok mask on, as everybody else but him was enjoying the moment, but the moment i left the office it just hit me and i felt really terrible. was it my fault that i'm still doing these things? putting pressure on both him n myself? got home..and cry and cry in bed for almost an hour. then up for maghrib, isya..went out for dinner with some ppl, had that long craved mali's kuey tiow at danau kota, and back home by 11..before i went out for dinner, sent this sms consulting a friend who knew us both, actually very close to him, and knew abt this whole thing..and what she replied back were just the things i actually knew, but maybe just waiting for somebody else to say them to me and knock my head...and i know she said them because she cares abt me. it got me back into that thinking mode. feeling all miserable and hopeless. maybe its time. after a hundred times of complications maybe its time. after all that i've done maybe its time. after all the time that i've waited and waited maybe is time. after all the hopes and dreams that i saw maybe its time, that i really let go. maybe thats the best for me, for him especially and for the friendship. tho honestly its breaking my heart so much i dont think i can be around him for smtime..it just hurts the most when u're so into smthg, and u're so sure it is him, and then u urself had to let it go cos u dont wanna make it difficult for him..ended up crying to sleep at i dont know what time, 3am maybe...woke up with bad coughing at 6 sampai sakit dada, nose blocked with all the crying, and sakit dada n kepala. decided to not to go to work today. my head feels like mad and i know i'm going to cry the whole day whenever there's chance anyway..so here i am still at home, deciding which clinic to go for an m.c. kalau x dpt, emergency leave la nampaknye...It will be a couple of weeks or months or years of stress and depression but i hope i'll bounce back in time....

peanut butter cheesecake!

2011-10-13T10:36:00.005+08:00

ehem.. degil kan. end up balik dr opis smlm aku proceed gak buat 'bday cake'. x jadik nak wat red velvet fancy2, terasa nak wat ciskek. tp nak wat sthg different and special so end up making a peanut butter cheesecake, with chocolate brownies as the base :) so from bottom, first there's the brownie base, then peanutbutter infused cheesecake layer, then plain cheesecake layer then topped with some chocolate ganache deco. smlm br beli tip utk wat writing n bunga2 tu, hasilnya agak seronok tho a bit messy. first time la katakan, tatau mane nak letak bunga2 tu haha. tp the writing, not bad kan? :)) masuk pagi2 terus letak atas meja bday boy( erkk..boy la sgt~). ape reaksi dia Wallahualam, sbb aku yg rase panas muka nak tgk reaksi dia canerr..

....

2011-10-12T08:01:00.003+08:00

its the day that i've been planning to bake n bring a cake. a cake that may not move that stubborn heart, but a cake just to say what i wish i cud. but i did not bake or bring any cake, cos he's on leave today. its ok i guess esok lusa bleh buat. sent him a bday wish at 12am sharp nway, ucapan dlm bahasa melayu (unlike the usual me) yg tersurat dan tersirat..i dont know maybe he got his 6th sense on, that when he replied joyously this morning it had to include "..mestilah cuti, sambut dgn org2 yg terchenta haha~" ya Allah..rase nak gugur jantung, terus terasa basah mata. is that supposed to be a hint or sthg? terase mcm nak je reply terus tanye direct, family ke? or is there someone special really? sbb honestly by knowing that for sure, it wud be easier for me to just let go. tho it may break me apart. but i will move on insyaAllah..tp x cukup kuat la nak tanya. tatau whether cukup kuat or not to take the blow now :(( Ya Allah, berikan lah kekuatan hati dan fikiran. berikanla kekuatan menahan air mata agar tak mudah gugur sia2 atas sesuatu yg bukan redha-mu. berikanla kekuatan menerima segalanya. berikanla petunjuk dan hidayah buatku dan dia. bukakanlah hati-hati kami buat antara kami, atau jika bukan itu ketentuanmu, tutup kan lah hati ini buatnya, dan bukakanlah hatinya utk yg lain segera agar jelas hala tuju dan keputusanku, agar cepat sembuh hatiku dari kerisauan dan ragu2. berikanlah kekuatan hati hingga tenang dan redha...

sarapan pagi mekdi!

2011-10-11T09:27:00.002+08:00

biler perut lapar, mulalah terasa nak mkn mcm2. and selalunya at the most inconvenient time. smlm nye kes..dlm perut groh2 tu, dah pkl 10~11pm gitu terase nak mkn mekdi bfast! kalau takat teringin mekdi, kompem keluar drive gi drivetru mekdi rawang kot..tp bfast meal pkl 4am kot br ade! ermm..so dgn ngada2nye, whatsapp la pakcik tu " tingin mekdi bfast la.." ehem..guess ape jwbnye? " aik ngidam ke kakakaka~" " eh pesanla kat 'p' singgah drivetru..ape 'p' cuti ke esok?" at at 5am gitu.hmmphhh..org ckp kat dia, soh ckp kat org lain lak. malas nak reply dah pastu..x faham betul. fine lah, so nanti pagi ingat nak kuar awal pas subuh, gi drivetru rawang, senang citer :(( ..skali lps mandi, subuh tu tgk ade mesej tanye mau bfast meal ape? hahaha. faham rupanya. ermmm..tho mcm antiklimaks sket sbb dia siap ckp " ni xyahla return the favor yek. sbb dah lalu alang2 singgah lerr " tsk. anti klimaks sungguh. x kisahla, yg penting kenyang perut, KEMBANG hati pagi ini dgn mcmuffin, hash brown and milo panas. *pandai pulak beli milo instead of coffee*

how to count menstrual length cycle in days.

2011-10-10T18:54:00.004+08:00

warning: pls skip the entry if u are a guy. okeh? ok..dont get creepy by the question. kawan2ku esp yg dah kawen i'm sure korang know the exact answer, pls leave them in the mssg box ye. i'll see the doc in due time when suitable for further advise, but for now i am forcasting my cycle for the next couple of months..i always thot i'm a 28-days case, but when today for the first time i tried to actually use those online calculator, i got lost. suddenly am not sure how to count...if lets say, the 2nd last time was sept.3rd, then the last time was sept.29th - my cycle is 26 ke 27 ke 28days aah?hari datang period tu kira skali dak? aa. am trying to forcast for the next few months, of cos hoping that the cycle stays stable and consistent. so far biase consistent jek, except for skali dua yg ade lari2 sikit di masa2 tertekan. huhu. like i said, i'll go see the doc for advise, when the time is right tp rase cam kena monitor from now jek br senang nak bg info kat doc kan...HELP! pls. thanx :p owh lg satu, anyone ade experience@info yg bleh dipercayai dan agak tepat regarding pil hormon to delay period, the mechanisme, the effects etc, pls share them as well ye. tq much2 :p

..kewarasan hati.

2011-10-10T11:04:00.005+08:00

cintaku bukan sengaja, cintaku tak bermata tak bertelinga. cintaku senyap dalam hati, senyap yg memilukan hari2 ini. lalu kekuatan untuk terus tulus, kesabaran menanti dan kewarasan hati untuk redha, kupohon dari-Mu, demi sebaik-baik cinta untuk-Mu.

soalan

2011-10-08T00:03:00.001+08:00

bisakah ku bertanya padamu, dari manakah datangnya sayang itu? hati kelu kaku.

tahajjud cinta - 2nd last episode.

2011-10-07T23:45:00.003+08:00

eh..this week episode 12, dah second las rupanye. bagus, sbb dah x tahan nak tgk citer ni. geram sgt huhu..drama jek kan tp still. episod 12 makin dramatik. seri dah mula rebel ngan ustaz, mau taknye laki kuku besi satu hari sampai 3-4kali mau,mmg wajar disoal, agama atau budaya kah tu? sampai org tu dah senak sampai ke ulu hati, arkk..Nauzubillah la kalau ade lelaki mcm ni in real life. nampak gaya sumer dah mula nak collaborate to save seri termasuk kakak amani si isteri sulung, tp mesti watak utamanye nanti si citra dan solah la kot..cuma as usual citer melayu mestila kurang logiknya bile seri kAntoi ngan lelaki tu sampai kena pukul plak..aa persediaan utk next week nye episod last la ni: mesti lebih dramatik lg. ape sudahnye? seri selamat ke mati? shauki kantoi, tunduk pd godaan suraya si gedik? bapak seri insaf? citra N solah smpt selamatkan seri atau menyesal lg? tunggu lerr lg seminggu nampaknye ~

Al-Quran tafsir, Miracle the Reference, 22 in 1.

2011-10-07T21:01:00.003+08:00

when i was at aunty saba@bf amal@alia's house in paya jaras, aunty saba showed this Quran tafsir she bought on their trip to Jakarta. thot it was 'interesting', lain drpd tafsir Quran yg pernah@biasa baca sblm ni..tp time tu x perasan konsep 22in1 tu..tgh2 belek tu ade org dtg nengok si comel alia time so left it at that. smlm ptg after work, gi jln2 rawang, malas balik umah awal. terasa nak makan kfc so ingat nak gi tapau lerr..terjumpe this one kedai buku agama dkt2 kfc rawang, err sblm ni penah nampak lerr lalu lalang tp x pernah nak masuk..so smlm try lerr masuk, nak browse2 cr buku2 bacaan yg sesuai..peramah la pulak brader kedai buku tu, rekomen itu ini tp br perasan dlm wallet ade rm20 lebey jek huhu..so belek punye belek, beli la satu je buku pasal umrah experiences. mcm menarik. buku ibadah, doa, zikir tu dah ade for the time being, tambah lg buku makwe bagi(kena touch up balik bacaan jawi ni!!!) tp yg perlu skrg buku2 camni kot..kisah2 di sebalik tabir. buku ibadah yg nak skrg ni lebih pada bukan yg khusus umrah, tp lebih pada utk taubat, solat etc. nak baiki diri x cukup spjg masa umrah je rasenye..penting gak sikit2 dr skrg and hopefully istiqamah sesudahnye. yg nak baiki soal solat, mengaji semua tu terasa sgtla lg penting skrg berbanding memahami konsep tawaf dan sa'i sumer tu. masa utk itu akan tiba later rasanye..belek2 gakla bhgn tafsir tp x jumpe plak tafsir mcm aunty saba tunjuk tu. tp x terbukak mulut la plak nak tanye, segan sbb xleh nak beli pon duit tarak kan. tp time bayo buku harga belas2 hengget tu, tanye la brader tu tafsir2 kat blkg tu kaler mcm2, ade beza ke? brader tu gelak plak huhu.." cover je lain kak" huh..org panggil dia bang, dia panggil kita kak plak..ape2lah. pastu baru lah brader tu tunjuk satu tasir yg ade kat kaunter tu. lohhh...ade rupanye tafsir tu. miracle the reference namanya. brlah dia explain konsep 22in1 tu. x dpt nak tangkap la sumer, tp yg paling penting dlm each page tu ade huraian tafsir, sirah, zikir dan doa etc. then tajwid yg detail n lengkap utk setiap huruf dan ayat. menarik kan? penting ni, kdg2 bila baca Quran jumpe gak ayat yg susah tajwidnya esp tang wukuf tu. harganya rm170 gitu, mahal jugak tp logikla kot tafsir biase2 pon da berapa. tafsir ni asalnye dr indon, so kat sana lg murah la. around hundred bucks kot. kalu leh kirim kat sape2 beli dr sana bagus gak, otherwise, kalu ikut aunty saba, rm170 is quite a good price..so tau laaa mane nak beli kalau x jumpe kat tpt lain pasni. nak satu utk buat baca dan study. buat hadiah pon menarik jugak ni. lg bagus kalu ade yg smaller size tp mcm xde..

harapan dan air mata.

2011-10-06T11:36:00.001+08:00

bagaimanakah memisahkan cinta dan luka? harapan dan air mata?

drama tv3 - soffiya

2011-10-06T02:39:00.002+08:00

There's a new drama at tv3 - soffiya, ganti drama kasih alia at 7pm monday-thursday.

after awhile rasa macam storyline dia familiar. citer yg kadang2 rase x logik. yg jahat, jahat sgt. yg bodoh gi ikut tak tau nak lari tu plak bodoh sgt. huh dah nama pon drama.

very close to this one danielle steel novel i've read so many years ago. one of my favs. sgt ingat the storyline sbb sgt sedih and depressing..urrr, benda sedih mmg lagi senang ingat kot.

nway, danielle steel mmg one of my favs pon, maybe thats why.

here's the link of the review.

http://www.mouthshut.com/review/Malice-Danielle-Steel-review-plmsumssn

soffiya the drama tu, pasal soffiya yg jadi mangsa bapak dia sendiri. raped, abused even waktu dia punya mak still hidup dlm rumah tu. lps mak dia meninggal dunia, lagi lah bapak dia buat jahat sampai akhirnya soffiya bunuh bapak dia in self defense. tp sbb bapak dia punya good reputation among org kampung, she ended up in the juvenile ctr ( sbb bawah umur).

awal cerita, sgt similar to the novel, cuma dalam buku watak Grace Adams tu masuk jail instead of juvenile ctr and the ordeal lg terukla bukan setakat gaduh2 biase - yer aa kat msia ni xleh la kot nak buat citer lebih2 camtu lagi2 citer melayu slot petang2 tu.

so far, baru sampai part soffiya dah keluar dr situ, and start hidup baru dgn seorg hamba Allah yg baik hati Kak Ton. owh, ade lah pulak konflik2 nanti kot antara dia, illiyas si lawyer yg tinggalkan dia dan gf Illiyas dan bapak gf tu. haa komplikated.

start sini dah tak sama la kot ngan novel Malice tu.

Hari ni missed the drama.

balik kerja sengkak perut dgn heartburn. aku assume heartburn laa..pedih semacam je. mcm gastrik tp kat atas perut, bawah dada. balik thot nak have sthg to eat, maybe tapau sthg kat pasar, tp lps mandi terus tertido sampai midnight. sedey jek bgn tgk2 dah pkl 12 lebey, perut lapa.haaaa..tak pasal dah sakit perut angin plak. and missed la makan ubat nampak gaya.

kepala pusing2 tp dah tido lama susah lak nak tido balik..tu yg dok layan edit gambar and tgk online episod yg termiss tadi ni.

esok pagi nak makan nasik lemak aa. lapar giler. since after raya kot x makan nasik lemak.

not so beautiful mess.

2011-10-05T14:49:00.005+08:00

stubborn, yes i am so stubborn. cos u're so hard to let go. so sorry, i guess u have to spell it out, and i'm gonna be a mess.

monolog tidur.

2011-10-05T01:27:00.007+08:00

hati rasa lenguh, jiwa rasa penat. lagi kucuba utk lupa, lagi kuingat. lagi kucuba utk mengikut arus, lagi hanyut. risau dan takut. impian bukan setinggi langit, sekadar impian pokok rendang.. redup dan tenang. lantas apa batasan redha ketentuan, tanpa mengabaikan akal dan usaha? bagaimana mengikhlaskan hati, sambil rasa tenang dengan bahagia? risau. sampai masa naik atau jatuh. andai jatuh ke bumi, kuatkah kubangkit lagi? menopang dengan ranting patah. kalau pon tak rendang, asal tegak menumpang bumi. jika rasa ini tiada akhir ketentuanNyA, jika rasa ini hanya mengundang luka, merentung jiwa, pergilah jauh segera. mohon segala kekuatan utk memadamnya saat ini dari menangis esok lusa. seandainya kutahu ketentuan-Mu...

post-dental restoration experience, the hard way!

2011-10-04T15:16:00.003+08:00

Subhanallah..bila Allah turunkan sakit yg rasenya mcm x tertanggung, insaf sungguhlah. betapa lemahnya hamba-Nya, mcm nak merayu-rayu jek mohon kurangkan sakit. tp Allah maha pengasih da penyayang..diturunkan sakit pon kerana sayang kan?

alkisahnya smlm, had my tooth filled. i was expecting a dressing fill( tampalan sementara berubat) sbb gigi tu cam ade sakit2 esp.at night so maknenye the pulp dah infected kan..maybe cavity pon dah dkt ngan saraf. tp mc ade misscomm sketlaa, doc tanye aku "skrg sakit tak?" aku jwbla "tak.." lol. sbb mm time tu x sakit. tp x sempat nak explain yg dia ade spontaneous pain yg suka dtg malam2, dia dah start working on the teeth! tenyeh2 punye tenyeh. agak ganas doc ni, muda lagi doc pempuan. rasenye muda dr aku kottt..br2 grad silap2. keja dia mmg wat tampalan jeekk dari pagi rasenye.yg pelik time dia dok wat keja tu langsung x sakit..padahal mcm2 bunyi dah.abes sumer pon xde explain pape, sampai aku sendiri tanye dia, ni tampalan sementara ke kekal eh? which she replied with a simple "kekal"..urr..pastu dia pesan "jgn makan dlm masa sejam"

setel dlm pkl 11gitu, aku pon balik opis. err x cuti pon ekceli. ngulor jap huhu. rasenye, x saper perasan pon kot. tghari kuar lunch ajak the guys gi mcd. bubur jekla bleh makan kan..sambil makan tu tetiba start rase sensitif and ngilu..esp bila makan bubur panas2 tu. eventho xde benda keras sgt somehow maybe ngilu sbb tampalan tu cam ade bhgn yg tinggi so biler berlaga ngan gigi bawah tu trigger lah rase ngilu tu...rasa lega sgt bila kena air sejuk@ais. ape lg aku bantai la pulak sundae huhu.mmg sedaplerr. aaa...balik opis lam sejam gitu yg ngilu2 tu makin konstan, pastu dr ngilu jadik sakit..errkk.sakit dia plak lain dr time sakit sebelum tampal tu. sampaikan mmg tpakse tahan ngan air sejuk spjg masa..if not mmg xleh tahan 5menet pon kot. by the time dkt2 5.45pm tu mmg dah xleh tahan. dan dah x larat gak nak kumur n telan air sejuk..last2 berkampung kat toilet, dok berkumur jek ngan air sejuk. pastu asyik buang ayer jek keja. tangan start jadik sejuk, tatau ape connection dia pastu suddenly kepala melayang je rase cam nak pitam! fuu panik jap. glemer pulak nanti kali pitam lam toilet!!! after duduk jap 5menet, agak2 da ok sket, br kuar opis, nak balik cpt gi cr dentist. itu mcm nye sakit mmg xleh tunggu sampai esoknye! mau betul2 pengsan nanti. panik jap kawan2 tp somehow, berjaya gak drive balik sentosa..berbekalkan sebotol ayer sejuk yg aku keep simpan dlm mulut then telan. sadis gak time tu.ikutkan mmg x larat la, nak je mintak sesape drive kan tp ermm..leceh plak rasenye. malas nak nyusahkan org.

balik round cr dentist tp sumer dah tutup. time ni seyes dah unbearable. air mata mmg dah kuar dah tinggal tak meraung jek lagik! smpt gak balik umah jap, mandi laju2, pastu terus kuar pergi klinik aniza. dgn harapan g.p kat situ lehla tolong kurangkan sakit...luckily, org x ramai sgt..from registration to jumpa doc tu ade la lam 20mins, sambil tu tahan sakit dgn jus oren ice cold huhu..doa sgt2 time tu cptla doc panggil, jgn air tu abes dulu! akhinye dpt jumpe doc, dia gelak lak bila aku ckp ape masalah. tp baik doc tu, sgt understanding. bile aku cam x confident jek dia ckp nak bg ponstan, dia pon soh aku gi emergency room, amek painkiller injection. dgn bodohnye aku ingat time tu kena cucuk kat gusi. haha. mau nangis! tp rupanya kalau injection utk tahan sakit dia wat kat lengan kanan/kiri depends on sakit tu kat bhgn mane, kalau inject sbb demam lak, kena inject kat punggung. huu seb baek bukan demam, dahlerr nurse laki2! errr, kalau katakan demam, dia panggil nurse pempuan kot kan? tsk. so selamat la kena cucuk kat lengan belah kanan. staff nurse tu siap warn, kebas sket. uhh rupanye mmg kebas. dlm masa 5 mins jek, Alhamdulillah rase sakit yg x tertahan td tu terus berkurang, tp tangan kebas sebelah! end up aku lepak situ stgh jam, br leh balik umah. doc bg gak back up ponstan which aku pon ade stock, tp yg pentingnye dia bg gak antibiotic. bagus gak ni, cpt sket bunuh bacteria@infection dlm gigi kalau ade.

*trivia:antibiotik menghalang bakteria menghasilkan protein yg diperlukan utk dia beranak pinak*so even tho antibiotik x bunuh bakteria directly, tp at least bakteria tu xleh membiak, selebihnye yg mmg da ade tu sepatutnye leh dibunuh oleh antibodi badan. alkisahhh hehe..

nway yg paling bestnya, doc bagi mc. aku kan naif bab mc, x terfikir nak mintak mc pon. siap dah pk nak e.l jek pagi ni gi revisit dentist. tp doc yg offer mc, Alhamdulillah. senang hati nak gi jumpe dentist lagi pg td..luckily jugak, org x ramai, pastu doc lain yg on duty. peramah doc ni, pastu tanye n explain mcm2. dia trim balik smlm nye tampalan, dia kata tampalan tu tinggi sgt, so senang sensitif la bila berlaga. dan mungkin dalam ade saraf yg still sakit.tp maybe gak amek masa utk tampalan tu setel and medication dalam tampalan tu effective. huu lega rasenye dgr gitu. dia soh monitor lu, kalau after seminggu ke x ilang sakit, br consider other options. aku honestly next step nak consider extraction jek, tak larat la nak gi dentist byk2 kali. Alhamdulillah lps tu even tho ade ngilu2 sket, tp dah x sakit cam semalam. pastu xde la sakit everytime gigi atas kena gigi bawah tu. xyah nak amek ponstan dah. doc tu dah trim baek punye. gini kalu, tau laaa next time nak mai, mai ari selasa, hopefully dpt ngan doc ni, lebeh leh caya.

so ape lg, pastu round rawang nak ke pustaka buku, cr Al-Quran tafsir yg mak agkat@aunty saba recommend beli tu, err kena tanye balik ape nama tafsir tu, note to self. tp last2 cancel sbb no parking. ended up cuti hari ni dok umah layan tv, baca buku baring2. nama pon mc kan, kang kalo gi merayap kang jumpe sesape tak ke kantoi. lunchtime try makan nasik, tu pon ngan lauk2 lembut jek. ade sikit phobia nak ngunyah cam biase. tp Alhamdulillah, so far ni dah pkl 4, nampak gaya sakit x dtg balik. huu..time ni la br nak bersyukur kan? ke'tidaksakit'an yg kita rasa hari2 tu selalu kita take for granted, bila dah rasa sakit, brlah terasa nikmatnya sihat. mmg lah Allah tu Maha pengasih dan penyayang, Dia mengingatkan kita manusia dgn dugaan supaya kita beringat dan bersyukur...so for, am gonna take it slow. avoid makan keras2, at least yg sure nye sakit yg dtg mlm2 tu mmg dah ilang, so ni hopefully gigi tu fully recover n x sensitif, bleh kunyah cam biase eventually. buat masa ni bersabar jelah kontrol makan. aa, td lunch makan sikit jek, ni pon dah start laparrr...bubur lagi ke ini malam? :p

dpt bubur kedai, bukan mcd kan sedap. kalau la ade nak teman, syok gak makan kat rest.mama rawang tu...

the dentist finally!

2011-10-03T09:19:00.002+08:00

i'm at the dentist finally! Owh so this is how its like di klinik kerajaan. Datang sblm 9am pon ramainye org dah menunggu..dpt giliran ke 30, now baru no.14. rase ncm ade dua jek bilik yg ade doc. xpe laa, layankan aje. nak jimat nye pasal kan. saba2. buku citer yg dah standby tu lupe lak bawak...kalau ade ni mau abes satu buku. uu..bape jam la agaknye..sudahla lapa ni. malam td x makan pape, tido jek.hisabisa ni sakit gigi tu x dtg menyerang, so dptla tido nyenyak2 after byk malam gak tido2 ayam jek..

rindu pada semalam.

2011-10-02T19:25:00.002+08:00

..mendgr suara seseorg kadang2 mengingatkan lagi pada rindu pada semalam, rindu pada suatu masa itu.

..kerana degil.

2011-10-01T08:50:00.002+08:00

ermm..kerana degil dan menangguhkan another week utk buat treatment, malam td aku melalui malam yg paling sakit, sadis dan panjang sekali..

the day to start with dah not so good. perut x berapa sihat. double trouble nye sakit perut, cramp sbb period (tp x sampai tahap period pain yg teruk la) + sakit perut angin. hmm mmg good combo. kompius nak rase sakit yg mane satu..dpt sapu minyak yuyi kat perut pastu baru rase selesa sket, if not mcm badan xleh nak tegak huhu..

tambah pulak tghari x lunch, sbb mamai lupe bawak balik wallet, so xde duit nak tapau nasik. kat umah ade maggie jekla pon. makan maggie kang mau tambah sakit perut...

seb baek petang alas perut ngan pisang goreng sket..

after work..buat lagi keja bodoh. xde hala tujuan actually but i didnt feel like going home too early. terase nak lepak2, makan2 ke minum2 teh tarik ke..perasaan mengatasi perut la actually. ajak seorg dua, ade yg heading balik 'kampung', pastu ade yg sudah kenyang bla2..so ended up, drive jek ke rawang tanpa hala tuju thinking once there maybe akan dtg idea, tapau mcd ke tapau bubur or sup or tomyam ke..beli dominos ke.

err..but ended up, sampai rawang, buat tawaf keliling bandar rawang 3 kali. go around and around xleh decide. more like mendegilkan diri xnak makan sesorg or tapau je ekceli..walaupon perut dah lapar n masuk angin :-|

dahla jalan jam....so last2 lepas puas pusing2 and nampak gaya mmg hopeless...turned around balik ke sentosa, singgah ke tesco beli bateri for flash camera and thats it.

sampai ke rumah, aii ade kereta tgh tunggu housemate dpn umah. kereta yg dikenali la ekceli heh..aii dating ke? haa..ini kena korek ni ~

lps tu ding dong ding dong..akhirnya sampai ke sudah x makan pon. kalau time rajin nak masak dan makan sesorg tu mmg mcm2 leh masak. tesco dpn umah je pon nak cari bahan, ade pasar tani lagi tu hari ni. but its just one of those days...

but highlight of the night comes at around 10pm...gigi start denyut2. aku dah suspens, ingat nak tido awal ari ni malas nak layan perut. tp br je letak kepala kat bantal denyut yg sket2 tu terus escalate jadik severe! serius ni maybe the worst ever!pastu bangun balik la jalan2 tp x ilang gak..old trick dah tak jalan. telan 1 dos painkiller ( = 2 pills), after 30mins br kurang sket...baru lelap jap lam posisi duduk bersandarkan bantal dan dinding, terjaga balik sbb sakit. tgk jam dlm 12 lebih...pastu bgn balik, tak tahan sgt amek lg satu dos. even tho aku tau lg xde guna amek byk2 painkiller sbb nanti effect dia terus tak ada. somehow pastu tertido balik kejap and then jaga balik around 1.30 - amek lg painkiller - tido, bgn balik 2.30..repeat teh same thing at 3am then 4.30am...last skali terbgn 5 lebih, mmg nak kena duudk betul2 baru sakit tu level yg bleh tahan. last2 tido duduk je tanpa batal or anything...

somehow after 5.30 tu dpt baring n tido sampai 7.30, terbgn sbb sakit balik. waaa..toksah ckpla, mmg dah nangis2 dah everytime sakit tu dtg. sambil nangis sambil doa..kalaula boleh solat, boleh gak buat tahajjud tgh2 malam dok terjaga tu.

pagi bgn 7.30 tu dlm keadaan sakit gak, tp ajaibnya bgn jek tak sampai 5 mins sakit pon ilang..aduyai mmg sakit tu datang bila dalam keadaan rehat dan esp baring.

if not mmg ingat nak gi klinik terus pagi2 ni, so that sempatla proceed with plans ari ni - follow shooting member bertunang ari ni. 10.30 dah kena ade kat selayang. so gini kalu, lehla layankan plans ari ni dulu, setel sumer petang karang baru decide camne..tp dah bleh bayangkan la malam ni pon kompem x bleh tido nye :((

ni sambung balik sakit perut smlm..lagi teruk dia punye angin sbb lama kosong..layan cereal drink secawan besar pon dah x jalan ...

takziah..

2011-09-29T22:34:00.005+08:00

..aa..no wonder. mmg langsung x kasik can, tepat on the dot, kalu bukan bukan bujang(read: anak dara~) lagi ni, sure dah kecewa abeslaaa. lolol. zaman2 belajar dulu (um), time mcm ni ade satu masa tu sesama kami akan saling mengucapkan "takziah lahh..*ovum* anda tidak disenyawakan.." ish, mcm lawak time tu, tp mcm keji pon ade bila ingatkan balik. haha.

stress belajar sumer jadi bengong kot. mmg tu time2 ujung 2nd year b4 monbusho exam. owh mmg giler punye stress, dok uni 4 thn pon x stress camtu lah!

tokorode...nampak gaye baby boom tahun ni akan bersambung tahun depan. baby boom disekeliling aku la that is..maybe sbb ramai org my age ( or younger) mmg age sedang membina keluarga. Alhamdulillah tambah ummat Muhammad. after besties amal n cikyam(insyaAllah), my sister, bosses etc..the office(dept) is also sgtla obviousnye full of not one or two or three but many ladies with tummies.

topik di tandas atau surau atau kedrum etc sering berkisar soal pregnant dan babies. urmm kalau kat surau tu ironically topik dia 'ganas' sket, xde cover2 dah. terus topik pasal beranak terus huhu..even tho aku dah selalu dgr termasuk cerita2 yg agak personal dr kekawan rapat, still ade sket ngeri n awkward bila topic ' beranak' tu rancak disembangkan, esp oleh akak2 yg x berape nak berlapik.

on top of one that i just got to know last week, ade 2-3 akak2 opis lain yg aku baru gak tau this week,sedar2 dah pakai uniform preggie pon! then another one colleague told me today at the surau that her 2nd kid is gonna be a big sister!...THEN another was saying today how she hopes to miss her 'red flag' too..ermm kalu x silap last ramadhan mine was few days after her, so if aku dah kena ari ni, considering that we both have the same ideal consistent 28d cycle, n she's still missing it then i guess i shud be ready to congratulate another one expecting mother. both of these colleagues hv quite small kids lg plak tu..sugoi2. aku kagum. the one who's confirmed preggie was rambling how the timing was just right, for her to have 3 stooges by the age of 30. pasni leh shutdown kilang or maybe rest kejap, and focus on raising the 3 kids. ulala..wish i cud say that too. time dia ckp just nice anak 3 org by 30y.o tu rase mcm nak shrink jadi seekor semut, masuk dalam lubang-lubang di dinding surau tuu ~

*yours truly dedulu penah angan2 nak anak paling kurang 3, just nice 5 (nak bilangan ganjil~), kalau bleh at least 2org by 30 y.o, then last skali pon latest by 37~8 y.o ke..

but at the rate yours truly is going, even 2 kids by 40 is beginning to sound good enough*

May Allah bless us all..

errmm..can you hear that clock ticking?

mohon kemaafan dari kesabaran...

2011-09-29T12:22:00.004+08:00

hari2 yg pass by rase terlalu pantas, bercampur baur rasa. kadang2 rasa mcm byk yg berubah, kadang2 rasa mcm statik tak bergerak ke mana-mana. dalam mencuba jadi lebih baik hari ini drpd smlm, mungkin masih ada kata2 atau tingkah laku yg mengusik rasa sesiapa..lebih2 lg dgn sikap oversensitive aku ni, walaupon ada baiknya sbb aku cpt terasa kesusahan org, dan senang jugak nak melepaskan dan memaafkan..tp at the same time buruknya bila sensitif tu memakan diri, sampai menyinggung hati org sekeliling esp. famili n friends yg byk support all this while..masih terlalu lemah dgn hasutan syaitan yg sentiasa membisikkan kata2 keraguan. hakikat yg berlalu setiap hari tanpa sedar atau tidak. bila tersedar, mmg maaf mudah dipinta walaupon hakikatnya perlu jugak terima yg kdg2 the damage is done..so sahabat2 semua, hari ni aku mintak ampun dan maaf atas segalanya. aku tau korang sumer murah hati dgn kemaafan, kalau ditakdirkan ada apa berlaku kat aku pon..tp izinkan ku memohon ikhlas dari hati, sementara umur masih di badan, dan kesedaran sedang menebal di dada. insyaAllah bila ade masa dan kesempatan, akan kuhulur bersama dgn salaman dan pelukan yg mungkin lebih bermakna dari kata2 ( because i am such a sucker for words like this..). mintak2 janganla simpan sebarang rasa di dalam hati kalau ada, my heart is open to hear them out, walau mungkin pahit tp masih lebih mudah utk terima dan cuba baiki diri..Terima kasih tidak terhingga atas segala kesabaran, semangat dan kasih sayang.

sleep deprivation..

2011-09-28T08:13:00.002+08:00

..i still havent got around to take that one day leave-or maybe half day at least to pay the dentist another visit. really should apply for a leave for next monday or tuesday. monday or tuesday since the gov.clinic only take walk in normal cases on those days. decided not to gamble going to the private clinic since its unclear how many times of treatment are required, which means they cud be costly. huhu..i havee stopped making suc a big fuss over it, stopped whining to ppl abt it, but actually for the past week almost everytime i'm in bed trying to sleep, the throbbin pain wud come. its almost like magic. like it knows, ok she wants to sleep now, lets bug her!! huhu..so i've been on the painkillers almost everynight, most of the time dozing of in an angle position, cannot lay down like normal. am beginning to feel like the painkillers effect is subsiding..there are time i wud end up crying while trying to sleep, feelin hopeless and cudnt do anything. like last night la, cud only managed to edit one picture if alia and then i just lost it.

wan nur alia, new flower girl :p

2011-09-28T06:40:00.004+08:00

alia & mama ~

kerut2, maybe stress ngan sorg aunty yg x abes snap gamba. dahla tgh haus time ni :p

ZZZZZZ......

HALOOOO!!introducing wan nur alia, bundle of joy to my bestie, amal & hubs mr.k, also to many other aunties, auncles & neneks. klasik kan nama dia? if i hv a baby one day pon i'd love sthg yg sweet, simple n meaningful (with 'hana' in it :P). for myself, this little darling is now the latest edition to my flower girls@boys, kids of my very few sister-like besties. tho i love babies n kids in general in the first place, these few ones that i call flower girls@boys are different. its not just meet and greet like other new born babies, but its love at first sight. and i wud start missing them the moment i parted with them and their mommies *sigh*

went to see this lil alia darling after work on monday, and almost wished i cud stay longer watching her sleep and cry. they say newborn babies cant really see anything yet, but check out the 2nd photo of her here, berkerut-kerut looking straight at me hehe..looking at this picture just make the heart warm n fuzzy again :p

i dunno how i cud be of much help, but alia shud be prepared to have aunty farah poking around while she sleeps and crye and bf'ed once in a while. now that rumah my mak n bapak angkat@paya jaras will be a place i cud to go on my quiet boring days :p

tahajjud cinta

2011-09-26T15:37:00.002+08:00

sape layan drama tahajjud cinta ari jumaat kat tv3? aku penah tertengok sekali dua sblm ni tp x follow la. sbb ade sket kontroversi kat fb n blogs pasal drama ni so mcm ilang minat la nak tgk, walaupon drama ni mewah dgn pelakon2 yg bukan calang2. ade remy ishak tuuuu hehe..ok seyes2, antaranye ade eman manan, eirma fatima(cum director), fazura,fouziah ghous, melissa saila, tiz zakiah (err..watak tambahan?) etc.ok..so last week tetiba tersangkut tgk lak. asalnye sbb sangkut tgk baju fazura lam tu-watak citra, syariah lawyer yg memperjuangkan hak wanita esp.isteri2 yg dilayan secara tidak adil oleh suami. baju dia lawa laa. a bit out of the contemporary. ala2 kaftan+jubah sket. tu agak2 kalu nak mintak tailor jahit pon tataula nak ckp camne...tp ntah camne pastu terus sangkut tgk sampai abes. menarik rupanye. mmg la paham kenapa ade menimbulkan sensitiviti certain pihak2 terutamanya golongan agama..tp my personal thot is, citer ape pon kita tgk mmg perlu dinilai dan difikir dgn mata hati. yg baik bleh diteladani, yg buruk disempadani. alang citer bodo2 pasal mat rempit ke pon ade point2 yg kita leh amek-kalau sanggup nak tgk la. soal bila citer2 ade menunjukkan sesuatu yg x patut ditgk tu plak dah soal lain, lg dalam pulak nak di fikir dan dinilai sama ada wajar ditonton or not. mcm drama t.c ni, awal2 dulu kontroversi watak2 students kat jordan tu x spt sepatutnye. ade scene pegang2 etc. tp pada scene tu ade gak eirma cuba paparkan yg perkara itu salah, tp ia berlaku bila manusia kalah dgn nafsu. kontroversi jugak dgn watak ustaz ape ntah nama yg dilakonkan dek eman manan tu. watak lelaki yg bersembunyi di sebalik wajah warak beragama dan memutarbelitkan hukum dan sunnah. pasal ni pon, aku rase tepuk dada tanye iman. hakikatnye, mmg wujud manusia spt ni, itu yg eirma cuba sampaikan. terpulang utk yg menonton ni buat penilaian n ambil pengajaran. shallow sgtla pemikiran kalau ade yg bulat2 menganggap sumer ustaz pondok tu munafik. lgpon drama belum habis, harapnye ade kesinambungan pada ending nanti yg boleh beri jawapan pada yg x senang dgn jalan cerita ni. cuma sedikit terkejut pd certain scene yg agak berani eirma buat. contoh scena slps ustaz bersama dgn seri lps nikah tu-ditampilkan seri dalam selimut, and then ade part dia menyarung baju sambil sbhgn badan lg dlm selimut dgn erman duduk sebelah. ini pon leh jd persoalan..perlu atau X? kalu dlm citer2 berunsurkan agama di indon, scene mcm ni ditampil secara simbolik..Maybe bleh guna konsep tabir dan bayang2 ke..x perlu lah si seri(fouziah ghous) mendedahkan sebhgn dada n bahu dia..ish naik meremang menontonnya. kesian! alang nak buat citer berkonsep dakwah, lg baik kalau dijauhkan bab2 ni. sape yg nak tanggung dosa yg mendedah n melihat tu? Wallhualam..so konklusi nye yg aku buat, dr segi konsep N jln citer mmg bagus n memberi peluang kita menilai n berfikir, dgn syarat mesej itu cuba dicari dan dihalusi bukannya ditelan bulat2. dr segi paparan visualnye tu, mmg agak berani dan perlu muhasabah la rasenye...towards episod2 seterusnya xtaula ape lg yg akan dipaparkan, tp rasenye menarik gak utk diikuti utk ketahui kesimpulan ape yg menanti diakhirnya...Barulah boleh buat penilaian sewajarnya :p

missing someone i havent met!

2011-09-25T11:10:00.004+08:00

so this is how it feels to be missing someone you havent met yet! like really missing, rindu and x sabo nak jumpe. my bestie, one of very few yg almost dah macam sister, amal safely delivered a baby girl yesterday. looks like baby cudnt wait amymore, x menjadi aunty punye pujukan soh kuar next week. heh..so kebetulan plak i'm away in jb & singapore this wiken, so x dptlaa gi tgk bay and mommy straightaway. terpakse la menunggu balik kl this eve, sbb tumpang org. nyesal lak x drive, if drive sendiri kompem lps lunch gerak, smpt lg singgah visit. so taha la dulu rindu, malam ni mc x smpt. isnin after work kompem terus gi paya jaras! cant wait to meet baby wan nor alya!

trial day for a social freak!

2011-09-24T07:24:00.002+08:00

ok. am otw on a tourist bus to singapore- to the universal studios s'pore to be exact. tho am with maksu,paksu and lil cousin qashful qays, am already a bit 'uneasy' and weird with so many ppl that i don know around. huhu.. looks like its gonna be a day for test for a self proclaimed social freak! cpt2 la sampai USS, dah lama x gi theme park. owh kalu ade chance nak cr starbucks makan ciskek!!

bukan p.m.s!!

2011-09-22T18:31:00.006+08:00

..feeling a bit out of place. firstly, aku menunggu utk seseorg yg aku anggap as someone yg sgt rapat to share an important news. u know how it makes such a big difference knowing some big happy news dari mulut seseorg tu sendiri. terase mcm diri ni part of that person's life. terasa di appreciate mcm mane aku appreciate org2 ni. sbb tu dulu aku sedih bila adik nak kawen tarikhnye aku dgr pon dr khabar2 org..tp tu dah lps kan, mungkin waktu tu kelam kabut. or mungkin adelah sbb musababnye. tho i'm a person of instinct. aku boleh agak selalunye bila org2 rapat ngan aku ni ade sthg going on. contoh, biler sheera kawan baik di opis peknen both times, sebelum dia ckp lg aku dah boleh agak, alangkah bahagia perasaan dpt kongsi bersama kegembiraan tuesp bila dpt tau awal. bukannye tau sbb sumer org dah tau. sbb bila aku ade sthg interesting going on aku sentiasa nak share ngan my good friends, even for stuff that r so lame to others maybe. yelah dlm these few years mmg aku xde pon any so great happy news to share with ppl. mmg aku penuh emosi, mendgr happy news org kadang2 boleh buat aku bergenang air mata sbb kadang2 berita tu is sthg yg aku wish utk diri sendiri,tp belum ade rezeki sendiri. tp tulah menunjukkan betapa deeply emotionally involved aku dgn org2 disekeliling. sedikit sedih biler lambat tau benda2 ni, tambah pulak kalau tau drpd source lain.tatau camne nak react lps tu..end up aku akan buat taktau. tp xpelah, mungkin ade sbb2nye. aku boleh pujuk diri sendiri dgn kata2 tu. bukan hak aku pon sumer tuh. its their happy moment. aku di tepi tak bagi secebis ape pon. cukup mungkin mendoakan yg terbaik utk org2 yg aku sayang ni. lps tu aku cranky gak ari ni sbb lapar. lately mmg aku selalu skip dinner. bfast pon vr light. so lunch is the one meal of the day yg terasa mcm org normal, makan bukan seorg, leh sembang2. bukan setakat perut jd kenyang, hati pon jadi tenang. so biler hari ni aku termissed lunch, aku terlps satu 'happy moment' dose aku. sbb org lain sumer rupanye gi makan some jamuan raya dan aku dgn naifnya ingat x sumer org akan pegi. aku lak segan nak gi sbb bukan direct invitation, dan segan x kenal org2nye, aku mmg phobia berada di khalayak yg x dikenali. so by the time i realized that aku xde teman nak lunch, dah too late nak cr gang..end up tido satu jam stgh dlm opis. sampai bunyi2 perut lapar pastu. tapi x ape..cranky sbb lapar aku selalu x lama. bila kenyang ok la blk. dlm kepala dah pk malam ni nak masak bubur nasik ngan sambal gesek. mungkin boleh terbuka selera..tp Alhamdulillah, rezeki bulan Syawal, lps solat asar di jemput jamuan raya secara mengejut.memula segan gak, tp amek pengajaran drpd tghari td, digagahkan jugakla masuk makan. sempat jugak sms seorg dua kawan..nak jugak kan share 'berita baik makan free' dgn kawan2. rase bersalah nak menjamu selera sesorg. hmm. Alhamdulillah kenyang perut, tenang balik sikit rasenye..byk pahala org yg menjamu makan ni. bukan setakat buat aku kenyang tp buat aku rase tenang. itu jek, sedey dgn diri sendiri yg kdg2 menyeksa diri dgn pe'el semulajadi segan ngan org n susah nak buat mula selambe ni. esp bab2 makan ni..sedangkan bg aku bab2 makan ni sgtlah emosional.aku cuba baiki diri lg dr segi ni..kurangkan penggantungan pd org. tp still not quite there...pastu plak, dlm sedang memujuk diri tu dtg lg rase ditinggalkan bila dpt tau ade colleagues ni wat aktiviti x bother nak ajak pon. padahal xtvt nye yg selalunye aku join.i mean kalau korg nak main futsal ke bola ke gusti ke mmg aku x heran lah. tp when its sthg yg diorg tau aku suka nak join, at least offer la. aku tau batas2 nak judge sesuai ke x utk join. why, sbb aku pempuan? shallow nye lah kalau mcm tu. judgement yg x berapa adil dlm konteks ni.sedey jugak bile kita yg selalu amek initiatif gather org buat xtvt itu ini, biler time org lain handle, kena exclude plak. mungkin silap aku expecting org utk layan kita mcm kita layan org. kdg2 terfikir, aku selalu beria pegi kawan2 baik kawen kdg2 sampai berhari-hari, tak berkira masa dan kos, sbb aku suka nak share benda2 happy ni. kdg2 aku yg lebey excited. bila sampai turn aku yg ntah bila tu, sumer dah beranak pinak, kg aku plak jauh bukan setakat sejam driving, nak ke org2 ni plak sama2 share the moment? sama ke thinking diorg mcm aku nye thinking that happy moment tu berganda-ganda bila dikongsi bersama? atau diorg akan berkira nak drive 4 jam ke batu pahat tu? dulu aku marah sgt bila makcik2 aku bising aku sanggup drive jauh2 utk semua ni..aku cakap, biarla aku nak pergi bukannya selalu nak berlangsung benda2 ni. kawan2 aku gak. tp mungkin makcik2 tu ckp mcm tu sbb diorg xnak aku sedey kemudian hari. xpelah, aku ikhlaskan semua tu. persoalan yg lain2 tu, hopefully ade jawapan ikhlas jugak dr mereka suatu hari nanti..drpd nak tenang td terus down balik. terase mcm terhegeh- hegeh dgn org lain sdgkan bg diorg mungkin aku ade ke xde ke same jek.this is one of those days yg buat aku rase nak duduk bawah selimut and quietly cry. rase bodoh, distant and left out.

waktu

2011-09-22T12:24:00.004+08:00

waktu terbang laju, tinggal aku kaku. tinggal mengharap dan menghitung, detik2 kan terkejar ruang ruang waktu. tinggal diam membisu. melayan resah ditinggal waktu.

sleep-sitting!!!

2011-09-22T08:07:00.002+08:00

again, malam td tertido dlm keadaan duduk! rase best jek dpt buat byk keja umah. basuk baju, lipat baju, iron baju bla2. dah malam sket mcm lapa masuk dapur lak wat teh tarik kaw ngan jemput2. ama damai. setel jugak clean up laptop ( uninstall balik sumer game2 yg adik suka2 install time cuti raya ari tu..huhu sori dik, main game kat pc rumah yek. pastu install new antivirus. next, nak re-arrange photos plak. delete and arrange. that is untill dpt beli external hd. skrg space mmg la byk lg tp xmo jd cam pc dulu, penuh ngan gambo jek. pastu smpt lg post 2 entry kat blog ni, layan shrek kat tv bla2. all that while, sihat jek. naik bilik around 1.30am, letak je kepala atas bantal dalam 5 menet guess what? gigi deyut balik!!!!owh my...seyes aa mcm ni. mmg creepy. tp dia mmg dtg biler nak tido tuh!! mind over matter maybe tp menyiksakan. cuma kali ni sbb dah tau ape nak bwat. x bother amek painkiller dah. terus bangun bukak lampu, tutup kipas, berdiri jap lam sepuluh menet sampai sakit tu ilang. pastu get into sleep-sitting position. tersedar entah pkl baper rase sgt x selesa, get back to normal sleeping position then tido sampai pagi. the thing is tido jadik tak nyenyak la gini..urghh.

baby boom!

2011-09-22T00:12:00.002+08:00

one of my bosses just had a baby girl.err..or his wife did. a girl finally after 2 boys.

so since monday i've been arranging for a small group of colleagues to go to his house to visit.

aku mmg suka visit kawan2 lps deliver. or mmg suka gi tgk newborn baby actually:p

tp ni boss, seganla nak gi sesorg kan..so carik gang la.

so today berjaya sampai rumah dlm 6.15pm gitu. seb baek tak sangkut lama kat glenmarie pastu xde jam mane2.

owh my baby sgt cute!!!!! hmm..too bad i bawak kamera tanpa cf card! urghhhh x dpt nak shoot gambar baby comel. cuma dpt snap a few pakai hp jek.

walaupon aku rase semua baby pon comel tak kira la dia kecik ke besar ke boy ke girl ke putih ke tak baper putih ke..tp yg ni mmg kategori 'really' comel :p

lecik comel lak tuuu..pegang dia penuh sebelah tgn jek huhu..owh aku mmg xde prob pegang newborn baby. dah biase. adik, sepupu sepapat ramai kecik2 lagi. haha.

time nak balik when i thot no one was looking i kissed the baby like 10times and secretly prayed i cud take her home :((

soklan cliche yg aku selalu dapat biler aku ckp aku nak baby - dah ready ke?

its an easy question with a very complicated answer.

i think i am. i mean, maybe age does not tell whether i'm ready or not. but i know i am. i believe it is sthg that does come with age anyway, it wasnt sthg that i want 10 years ago while i was studying maybe. but it is now. and wudnt it be difficult to only want one another 10 years from now? cos even tho i dont mind adopting, it wud be great to have one of my own blood.

its one of those things we cant say we're 100% ready for, but sthg that comes with responsibilites and sacrifices - that once we have it, we have to do it and pray for the best guide from above.