I HATE THIS FEELING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously wish aku kebal drpd merasa. Kebal drpd mengharap. Kebal drpd semua ketidaktentuan ni.
Wish i hv no feelings at all.
Sparkles of fire look nice. But watch out they may burn you down.
I need to learn how to hold back.
HOLD BACK!!
I'm being friendly with somebody, lately sejak dua menjak pandai bersembang soal lain2 dari keja masa on shift sama. Esp. since i got busy with masters application ni i noticed. He's among the few at the office who know abt it.
Masa keja skali di opis kontrol macho, but masa off we'd be on w.a sometimes for hours, and its quite cute i think that he's avoiding using any kata nama reference for himself, no 'aku' like before. A bit awkward though ermm i'm finding myself feeling awkward referring to myself. I have never really been a 'saya' person.
And this, kinda bugs me.
Cos i dont need any more good guyfriends, I have enough. And to tell the truth having guys as good friends is complicated, later in life when they settle down and all, its not that you can call them anytime and not worry of a jealous g.f@fiance@wife anyway, unlike good girlfriends. A women always says 'i dont mind' that her man has a woman as a bestie untill, she becomes the any-of-the-above. And i dont blame them, because things happen.
Although at times good guyfriends give me a better perspective on some things in live and can be useful advisors, I have come to adjust not having to rely on them too much.
And more importantly, this bugs me because i have gone wayyyy passed that 'trying' and 'hunting' period. I have come to tell myself again and again since the last frustrating episode few years back, that i'll stay away from being another 'good friend' or 'bestfriend' or 'casual girlfriend' that a lot of guys seem to see in me. The 'friend' material. I dont want to be the 'friend', i dont need that. If its goibg to happen, let it just happen. I want to skip that friends phase.
With this guy, the symptoms are obvious and classic, except for the part where I had never acted so how to say, lasak and man-ly? I ditched that, that tough-women act.
Keep telling myself to stay away from the possibility of another complicated heartbreaking mess cause i know just how fragile i can be, yet cant shake off that thought of 'what if this time its different?'
What if this time its not another friends for convenience type? Its still too far from finding that out, but if i do get to that then by then it will be too late and i could have already been hurt.
And the worse (or best?) thing is, he is a good prospect. Family dude, hardworking at what he's working at, kind, foody(heh)..my weak points.
But its even more dangerous cos i dont even know if he's s&a, cos the last time i heard he was engaged, and then x jadi..and so i dont know what happened.
Right now this is like being alergic to something, yet you keep eating it cos it's nice and u love it and pretend that you can treat yourself later when you get sick, by taking the meds.
When the truth is you dont get better with meds, you're just destroying yourself.
I know for some people this is just everyday life to them.
But not for me.
When you come to an age and stage where you are trying to convince yourself that its ok to stay single, and just enjoy life as it is but your woman instinct or mother instinct or whatever keeps bugging you with the thought about how it can be if you are on the 'other'side of the fence, panic mode sets in, and you tend to analyze every single thing. Its hard to live spontaneously.
Is it bad to feel ok with what you are but wanting (or hoping?) for something more?
Alhamdulillah!
After sleepless nights and days last week, done with interview@presentation for special selection by university for monbusho scholarship.
So now, is time for praying and hoping!
official offer letter from uni will come out after 05/31, while the results whether i get the scholarship or not will be smwhere in june.
I'm really hoping on it as i dunno if i'm strong enough to pull through without it.
eventhough sensei is saying that there are other options and initiatives.
Its very unpredictable, i'm the only one out of 4 candidates that speak japanese. The way i see it, it can be an advantage and also can be played against me.
I just hope that the selection is fair, that they focus on the efforts and our research proposal & presentation.
If this come through, i will need to start preparing for it. Esp.for the stuff i'm gonna leave behind.
At the moment i'm deliberating whether i should approach the unpaid leave idea, which can be good for job security but i'm afraid that will hold me back from getting better opportunities.
Like 8 years ago when i did not even try finding a job in japan because i already had P2 since 3rd year.
InsyaAllah i plan to go all out and find a job there if possible, at least try.
Semalam sgt susah hati sbb perlukan satu dokumen penting dari uni ku kat jepun nun.
Masa tu wish sgt la uni ku itu dekat2 dlm negara je..kononnye, mungkin senang nak apply la. Emailed the one contact person at the uni office that i have and also the party who required the document, explaining and bargaining (seb baek keja selalu buat email, laju sket nak buat ayat, by which time dah after office hr so this morning br dpt reply. But was so-so pleased to hear thay they were working on it right away, tambahan lg atas bantuan kohai(junior) tolong bayarkan for the print, yg sebenarnye kohai ni x penah jumpe pon...and despite the p.i.c was on leave in the morning, the document was well on it's way to its intended recipient by 4pm!
Berair mata bila baca email dari uni office tu(ye sy mmg cpt sebak)!
Tarik balik wish nak uni dalam negara. I shudnt be suprised. Japanese are strict on d/lines, rules & regulations. But they would also go to extra length helping people, especially in their service line. And they can really pull things off real fast! Sthg we still lack of, in public & even private services (berapa kali dgr cerita dokumen yg dihantar ke pejabat2 uni contohnya, m.i.a atau tiba2 muncul2 selepas sekian lama?)
I know many wud agree that we miss this when we come back home.
Working with them though can be pretty stressful because we're not used to 'near perfect' expectations, but maybe thats why their service is so darn good!
Bukan nak kata jepun xde kelemahan, ada jugak yg bila datang sini contohnya lama2 dah x berapa nak jepun, tapi cuba tinggal di kalangan mereka kat sana, u'll learn more good than bad if u choose to see the right ones.
Seminggu kebelakangan ni..x senang duduk.
Tiap-tiap hari bukan courier website check documents for application sent on 04/29 dah delivered blom.
bunyi mcm awal dan selamat utk delivered by 05/08 which is the due date, untill la diberitahu oleh helpdesk yg lokasi kat sana tu covered by local agent (no idea what that means..), so public hol delivery x jalan.
Tu yg start x senang duduk. Japan's P.H 3rd ~ 6th..elok2 je 2nd br sampai tokyo.
Hari ni bgn je pagi2, follow up helpdesk on the concern and depa janji akan cuba deliver by 8th.
No, cuba is not good enuff. But mengharapkan yg since document tu dah kat nihon, harapnya derang ni 'typical japanese' lah. Pegang janji dan buat keja2 betul2.
Satu hari mcm x kucing nak beranak ( ehh..?), dok tgk website xde update. Seyes cuak.
Untill lah around 4.30,dpt email from the uni office, that they got the documents.
Ok lega, tp sesaat saje.
ade plak documeny x puas hati. Apparantly they want the original degree.
What thee..?
Ok, ekceli depa nak yg issue by uni, bukan copied.
dengg..number one, aku seyes blank x ingat mane pi aku nye file sijil.
panic mode.
Secondly, due date for application is tomorrow!
Nak nangis pon ade :(
Terus hanta email to uni lama, request issue cert, and mintak send ke uni nak apply.
tah boleh ke tak..xtau la.
Pastu karang saty lg email reply email td explain and request for them to accept the copy.
Luckyly transcript original.
so since diorg bleh cross check nama dengan student no. from there, last2 dia reply balik dia accept application, tp still mintak jugak ori cert tu.
So..jadiknya, postpone panic.
Sambil tunggu jawapan gunma uni nye reply, still kena carik jugak just in case derang xleh issue n send kan.
File tu cuma boleh ade kat beberapa tempat:
- kereta
- rumah sekarang
- rumah kampung
Kereta, checked n takde.
Harap2 kat umah ade la, if not hmmm.
Kena la balik kampung lps abes keja sabtu.
Panic.
Kan dah cakap.. orang garang, bila sweet, boleh cair.
the gap makes it so obvious.
Tp kena tahan la dia punya garang.
So how?
So one of the guys from the semporna island photo safari trip p.med me, telling me that he's going somewhere with another friend for a round of photography.
Itinerary is tempting enough, a city+island trip in a country i'never been yet and is actually on the list.
Tapi persoalannya bukan issue tempat atau itinerary.
soalannya, is this guy serious or ajak2 ayam?
Why didnt he open for invitation to the whole gang? He seems to be quiet active in the w.a group, while i'm actually the silent one.
perbualan photography diorg kadang2 tahap yg sogan den nak nyampok..huh.
This guy was one of the guys that i got along nicely on that trip, gang2 bujang. Haha.
The others pakcik2 owhh x bleh masuk bila start sembang pon mcm pakcik2.
Tapi pakcik2 tu lah yg hotai2 and kaki mencucuk bawak stuff hot2 dan high end.
Anyway. So ermmm.
Back to the question.
Luckily the proposed trip is somewhere end sept - which for now, is blocked for anything.
If everything goes well, and ada rezeki that will be very near or in fact exactly the time i'll be flying back to japan.
So...x sempat la nak pening2 angau2 pikir2 nak terima pelawaan ke tak.
Orang kata, x ada rezeki atau jodoh lerr tuuh.