I am not giving up yet..but i also do not know what else to do, except to consistently pray for His guidance and bless, istikharah & hajat.
Right now, it is sometimes too painful to think that he might not be the one..but other times I am in content with the idea, cos that means my jodoh is still someone else out there, if not in this life, then in the afterlife, as He has promised.
If it is not meant to be then it is not. I just wish I know the answer to that. But it is a secret only He knows.
As for now, my heart cringe a little everytime he makes me laugh or smile or feel happy, cos I do realize it might not be for much longer.
I am sort of preparing myself a blanket on the floor, for when I fall so that it will not be so painful.
Emotion is like a rollercoaster, sometimes ok, sometimes not as I'm struggling to accept this as another experience to wisen up. Every experience I have had in life have toughen me up, this should be no different.
It is just that, this 'hole' I feel is still here..and I pray everyday that one day, I am truly OK with having this little hole or space inside my heart void of love, one day when I am truly happy with the love of Allah, family and friends.
The day when I am stronger, not to fall easily again.
The day when I am stronger than now.
Hajat & istikharah.
Ya Allah, if he is not the one, take him away from my thoughts, mind and heart. Protect me from sadness & sorrow, grant me strength to throw his shadow into the clouds, so I can be happy without him.
Replace me the loss, fill up this hole inside with more akhirat than dunia thoughts.