sitting, waiting and wishing

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Spin the mood around!

I've had a peaceful year.
Bila mula fikir pelik2, lagha2..mula la rasa x best.
rasa apa? Rase sesuatu.
Yg susah nak digambar atau terjemahkan. Kebetulan pulak same timing tgh stress tunggu final decision sama ada jd gi nihon balik atau x.

Soal2 lagha tu, suatu masa dulu aku penah berazam untuk taknak fikir@rase lagi. Biar jadi innnocent je atau sombong atau anti-sosial.
selamay untuk diri sendiri, jauh dosa pon ye.
Dan sejak tukar keja, pindah tpt baru mmg tu yg aku buat. Berkawan seadanya, tu pon dgn akak2 saje. Owh n maybe pengecualian sorang, tu pon sbb observation aku menyatakan yg dia ni x straight. So no harm la kalau kawan mgan mamat ni pon. Huhu.
Lgpon org mcm ni mmg senang kawan ngan dia.
Penah dgn org kata, guys can be the best girlfriends. Esp.if he's gay.

Nwayy..
Hidup di tpt baru x ramai org dikenali sama ada kat umah or tpt keja, working days@hours yg x menentu..cabarannya adalah sunyi. Yep it gets lonely.
esp. Lepas start duduk sorg.
Walaupun sebenanya kat bangi ni ramai friends from school but mostly are married, ade family masing2. Once in a while like 2-3bulan skali la kalau ade gather pon.

Kalau masa keja tpt lama dulu at least everyday ada masa gelak ketawa lepaskan stress, gossip session 5days a week, masa di opis@lunch@after work. But now? Masa keja bleh kata kurang sembang2. x sempat pon kecuali malam or wiken.
Bfast@lunch always sorang2, sbb mostly akan take turn amek break. Team operation 24/7 so mane bleh break berjemaah, tutup la kedai nanti.
Pastu culture di tpt keja tu walaupun open space office, seriously xde nak kenal2 dgn org team lain. Kecuali masa training etc - which sgt2 jarang. Most trainings are web@online base.

After work sama ada abes keja pagi or malam, mmg akan terus balik walaupun old habits of staying back tu masih ade.
Untill recentlylah.

Somehow i managed. The first year, style anti-sosial berkesan walaupun agak sabishii (sunyi). Tambah lagi kalau off 3-4 days yg xde ape2 plan. Thats why kalau ahad ade org ajak gather aku sanggup eventho kdg2 br abes keja pagi ahad tu gak. Maka akan skip sleep sampai kdg2 48jam x tido.

But like i said. Sunyi.
Thats my biggest enemy.
nak bela kucing, geli n malas nak uruskan pemberakan dia.
Nak travel selalu bajet x sentiasa ade. Lately tambah plak dah malas nak drive jauh2.

Yeah i started swimming, ok jugak. Kdg2 bila bosan sgt sampai 2x sehari pon ade! Pastu selsema, batuk plak. Air klorin bukan bagus. Sah2 la byk gak telan air masa swimming tu.
So had to slow down.

Then at one point...stress started to build up. Bukan pasal keja. Keja mmg sangap jek.
Tp pasal study. The application, the preps, the uncertainty. Peak sejak 2-3 bulan ni.
Dan bila pada masa yg 'weak' mcm ni..ada yg tiba2 menunjukkan concern, rajin bertanya rajin jugak bercerita, well thats recipe for disaster.
One that i'm not too alien with actually.
mungkin sebelum ni dia mmg friendly di opis. Tp tembok ku kuat. Kontrol lagi macho. Mmg dengan sedarnya aku bina tembok tu.
Tp stress dan sunyi tu lama2 bikin kacau.
Dan sedar2nya..dah jd mcm sekarang.

Aku ade dua jek, bleh rapat dgn org yg sama ada atas dasar macam adik abang@profesional@mamat tu gay. Senang citer. Aku lagi selesa n rase x bersalah kalu lepak2 mamak ngan colleague laki org daripada bujang trangtangtang. Mmg nak berkawan la senang cerita. Senang xyah nak rase pelik sebab xkanla saje2 nak curious2 laki org suka kita ke x.

So mamat ni?
Another 'friend only' guy? Mungkin. Aku tatau ape intention atau niatnya. Serius x faham dgn konsep dan pemikiran lelaki bila dia berkawan mcm mane.
Serius gua tak faham.
We talked and texted a lot.
Drpd benda2 random daily updates yg x perlu sampai ke benda2 serius pasal life, family and stuff.
Again..maybe sbb aku tgh stress pasal life direction skrg bila ade org rajin bertanya and advice..mula2 hati2 lama2 jadi senang hati.
Fikir2 balik agak quite a sudden gak dia start texting tu. Bukan aku bagi nombor peroonally pon, but dah mmg ade team punye w.a group.
Mula2 mcm pelik, and just reply mmm biase. Kang kata sombong lak. Lama2 rase comfortable, rase gembira dalam hati sumer tulah. Nampak sgt byk setan keliling!

Tp pengalaman lepas cepat menyedarkan utk x terus leka. Pengalaman lepas menyebabkan aku malas nak baik2 gini dah kalu bleh. Masalahnye dah terbaaikk la plak.

Kalau aku lelaki jujurnya mmg aku dah make a move, cos mamat ni consider a good one. Kalau aku mmg dah ready n sedia nak settle down. Mcm situasi aku skrg. Bleh tick semua dalam senarai calon menantu mak kecuali bab workaholic tu sket.
tapi aku bukan lelaki, and i dont deal with rejection that good.

So how?
Tiba2 distantkan diri?buat2 sombong?tiba2 xyah layan random text dia?
Or do i hint and see what he responds?
Sedia ke nak terima?
Dan sedia ke nak tunggang tebalik melalu fasa withdrawal syndrom?
Dah macam nak berenti minum kopi plak.

I'm scared but i'm curious. Ada org kata i'll never know if i dont try. But there must be sthg wrong with the way i've tried before, thats why it never worked, no?

ade org kata kita kena usaha utk apa kita nak.
But this is not a job yg senang nak recover bila frust interview x lepas. This is not europe yg dari dulu aku nak pegi tp x pegi2. Aku tau europe tu masih di situ xkan ke mana. So onr day cukup duit akan tetap dpt pegi. Ini bukan new smartphone or new camera yg baru keluar kedai smlm. Kalau x dapat yg ni, esok lusa kuar model baru lagi canggih.

Ni bukan semua tu.

I read smwhere (yeah pathetic) that one of the reasons one keep falling into the 'friend zone' is because she is not making herself desirable.
yeah ok fine aku x comel x kawaii macam lisa surihani atau scha alyahya. Tp all this while aku dok percaya pada konsep inner beauty, attitude dan jodoh.
Walaupun ade lelaki yg kata cantik tu mmg suka depa tgk tp bila cr bini tgk hati jugak  ke tu bohong semata?

I have vowed not to sampai tahap nak kuruskan badan sebab nak attract orang, seyes lame giler mcm tu. Even tho skrg ni mmg rase debu giler and fikir kesihatan mmg patut slim down dgn lebih serius...
But that thought cross my mind sejak 2-3 hari ni. That maybe, maybe if i slim down and become a different person this will all change?
And i hate this!
This is me, the whole package inside and out.
Selama ni berharap i can prove the concept right, that it doesnt matter whether u're fat or slim there is someone out there for u.

Tapi adakah aku terpaksa mulakan eksperimen baru??!

Secara positifnya, slimming down the healthy way is good for health, confidence and well being.
Secara negatifnya i feel like shit sbb terfikir yg jadik kurus boleh buat orang suka.

And i already feel like shit.

12:32 PM

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