sitting, waiting and wishing

Friday, March 1, 2013


Strange, but i'm actually imagining myself grow old..single and happy.
if i can be happy single, have the security of a home, a good career and the ability to take care of my parents..its beginning to sound ok.
not good or nice, but ok.

Maybe a little business on my own, a vacation once in a while to all those places on my wish list with nothing or no one holding me might actually be ok. Even nice at times.

I used to cry at the thought of ending up alone. But i do see now that being single doesnt have to be scary.
Ending up alone isnt really a bad thing if i am happy with what i have and dont have.

One of my ways of comforting myself used to be by imagining myself going through what i wish to go through.
find somebody - be found by somebody. Get married, have kids, at least 2. Educate. retire and watch my kids grow up. Grow old with my imaginary husband who's a kind, matured man with a good  sense of humor.
i confess now, i day dream about these things.
i talk to myself out loud when i'm alone.

The trick works sometimes. Mind over matters.
but sometimes it only freaks me out realizing that the clock is thicking and i'm no where near there...

I have 9 years to go probably - before the biological clock, well..stops ticking.
After that a part of the reason of that big dream is very much gone, so there's no point rushing anymore anyway.

Sometimes i do wish that i have a more busybody family, parents that wud nag me into these things. Matchmake me even. I dont mind really. Cos i'm quite tired of it already.
That way i'd probably have the problem settled for me.
Cos honestly i really feel that maybe its just not my thing.

Pessimist or no self esteem or whatever ppl may say, its just the truth.
I have somehow stopped thinking about prospects. I deny the possibility of me with any person i may know around me for all the stupid reasons.
Because he smokes, because i'm fat, because i'm not so young, because i'm not pretty girly sweet or whatever, because he's handsome and tall and everything i like in a man, well physically. Or because he's too slow, or bad tempered, or too kind and sweet. Because i'm not his or anybody's type.
And so on.
Tell me about having low self esteem.
Tell me that no, guys do see beyond skin deep.
yeah right.
Its not that i care so much about being fat or slim.
As long as i'm healthy and fit i'm already fine.
Its just difficult not to get annoyed and sarcastic at typical men who prefer the slim, pretty, girlie, young and sweet.
I am thankful that one day hopefully, if somebody finds me attractive it will be because of my attitude and inteligence.

And as i totally believe it is jodoh in the end, doesnt matter if i find it myself or it comes to me right?

but anyhow, as it is. I dont really see it coming.
for now, this image of me growing old and free is getting clearer and clearer. It actually doesnt seem so bad. Or maybe this is just me trying to chill.
and so i've decided to prepare myself towards that.

Or is this not a good way to deal with the matter?
..will being ok with being alone actually push away prospects?
of cos i'll keep on praying, but i'm just not into any more thinking and doing anything more than that.
I'm done trying.

7:30 AM

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