sitting, waiting and wishing

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Weak & stupid.

Its the apraisal season...
It wasnt a good year. Had my worst time at work the first half, stressed out to the max, but even then i still gave my best commitment. Some days i worked almost 18 hours a day, feeling like an overworked machine - risking my health, my safety and my sanity staying back at work for as late as 4am, an getting up for the next round of work at 6.30am the latest. At times i thought, ok luckily i'm not married or hv any kids. No way i cud have pulled that off. Maybe thats why i'm not married yet. Maybe.
One friend asked me one time, " siapa suruh?" 'Kalau tak buat ape dia bleh buat?"
and there was no easy answer. Nobody asked me directly to do it, but when u're overload and so left behind it was the only that i xan do, esp. when i failed at negotiating the job load an just too scared to argue. So for me it was my last resort. I was tired physically and mentally, had not enuff sleep let alone rest. I was so sick of my room and my life cos everything's just so messy when i barely have time to take care of basic daily cleaning and stuff. One hour at home at that time too precious to be spending on washing laundry or cleaning the room@toilet@house etc. I wud rather sleep.
I had no time to eat properly let alone go out with friends.
i got sick more often that i used to the past years?
But who to blame? Rezeki sihat dan sakit tu pon bukan kah ditentukan Allah?
but secara logik, when u're not sleeping and resting well, getting sick was one of the body's ways of telling us to stop.

Ikhlas atau tak? Honestly i dont know. I dont know if even 'ikhlas' can push a normal person to work to that extend. All i wanted was getting the job done. I know i am paid to do my work, but i dont know if the company deserves to have ppl working for it like that.
So no, i didnt do it for the company or for the boss. I did it for myself.
Records and reputations ar  important for me. Also for my own satisfaction. I dont know if it makes me a bad person for expecting my wotk to be evaluated fairly by those ppl concerned.

Finally that really bad hectic time was over, and i got a lucky escape. Although i gotta learn new things now i'm glad that i'm not stucked to the evill boss anymore, leaving me more space to be normal and confident again.
Feel like a rookie again sometimes but its ok, as long as i am back on track.

I turned down the 3 job offers along the way -2 from jb, and the last one in melaka that i honestly had some hopes on. But i turned it down, the big decision making point being the offer wasnt as good as i wanted, and also thinking of giving myself and this company another chance. Almost hoping things will get better.

After all that i've done, i certainly didnt expect a round of applause, not an outstanding performance review or whatever. I was just expecting something decent and average. Afterall i work the things that i'm supposed to do.
i work!

But the company is unfortunately full of corrupted stupid minded people. Managed by them actually. Stupid and childish policies were their specialities, only i was never the victim cos i never stood out.

But this time around..last friday, i had the appraisal review with my new boss. Everything was smooth and well. Positive reviews. Nothing gives you more satisfaction than hearing that from your boss. I was relieved....but too soon.
At the end of it, he reluctantly shared this info, that the management is still short of one scapegoat for a stupid hr policy fot some quota on how they grade us. One person from our group was already a victim because of a month long m.c.
but when the management pressures for another one, he tood his opinion that no one else deserves it.
But unluckily, since there was no obvious suspects in their eyes, they decides to flip the coin by looking at the total m.c.
And guess who was 2nd?
i took 2 days m.c for my lutut injury, then 3 days for viral fever. Plus a couple of demam and sakif perut in between totalling up to 8 days since last october.
owh unlucky me.
When there are ppl who actually just go home and sleep when they're not feeling well, come back a few hours before office hours finish to clock out.
When they're ppl who are in the office all day but lazy around chit chatting the whole day.
So does it make me a bad person to think that its not fair?
does it make me an ungrateful person for this outcome?
does it mean that i'm not 'ikhlas' enough doing my work?
Is it bad that i think the bosses are cowards for not being able to point out the people who really are not doing their work, instead sorting to a figure on paper method?

Tho it is not certain yet as the boss said - he's not even sure what will happen in the end, but still insist that he is not putting my name forward, but if in the end it happens anyway - as he does not have the last say - he thought i should be ready to accept it.
take it positively bla2..

I was just speechless. I cudnt say much after that and just wanted to get it over with.
One more word and i cud burst out like i always do.

I am disappointed and so down. Its even more upset that the reviews are ok, feeling stupid for the times that i put the work first before myself.
Because i m.c 8 days? In a year?
I'm sure there are some ppl from other grp who did more than that but probably get away - because somebody else in the group was worse, or their grp quota is smaller. Either way, lucky them not me.

Rezeki of course. Again, does it make me a bad person to feel sad and complain?

I cried the whole of that night, cried untill it was difficult to breathe. Asking again and again why?
I probably fell asleep in the end at around 3am, with my eyes probably still in tears.

I thought spending the weekend doing things, and spending some time playing with little nephew wud make me feel ok.

But once i'm back home, thinking about work tomorrow makes me feel sick and sad again.
seriously what do i do to make these people happy?
owh i have to make them happy because obviously i turned out to be unhappy when they're not.
i know that once i'm back on track and be emotionally ok about it, i can revenge by working like mad and kicking ass again.
My revenge inner voice is telling me to be heartless and work like there's no tomorrow. No.m.c for next year even if i get sick, even tho i will get depressed and half mad by doing that. No life, no friends no prospects.
Is that what i'm supposed to do?

Or should i be passive and just work 8-5.45 and not care if my work is finished or not? Lantak boss n company lah nak jd ape. Ujung bulan dpt gaji, cukup rehat cukup senang maybe kurang sakit.

Honestly i dont know.
Nothing seems to be ok.
maybe i should rethink about that "second chance" between me and the company. The next time i get an offer maybe i should think more about the opportunity an  move forward.
they dont appreciate me here anyway, there's not much left to consider.

Right now..i still feel pretty down and stupid. The thought still makes me mad and feel unworthy. Useless.
i dont know how to handle it at work tomorrow. I dont want to go to work.
I know the only way is to get up and face them. Let next year be better than this year...but for now i just want to stay weak and stupid.

8:58 PM

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