sitting, waiting and wishing

Friday, October 14, 2011

final verdict...

hmm..i knew i cudnt and shudnt expect anything, but what i wanted to do was just to show all the things i had no courage to say...and nothing feels worse than feeling as tho he doesnt care at all. or maybe he's uncomfortable with it...its almost as if he was avoiding me the whole day. i put that ok mask on, as everybody else but him was enjoying the moment, but the moment i left the office it just hit me and i felt really terrible. was it my fault that i'm still doing these things? putting pressure on both him n myself? got home..and cry and cry in bed for almost an hour. then up for maghrib, isya..went out for dinner with some ppl, had that long craved mali's kuey tiow at danau kota, and back home by 11..before i went out for dinner, sent this sms consulting a friend who knew us both, actually very close to him, and knew abt this whole thing..and what she replied back were just the things i actually knew, but maybe just waiting for somebody else to say them to me and knock my head...and i know she said them because she cares abt me. it got me back into that thinking mode. feeling all miserable and hopeless. maybe its time. after a hundred times of complications maybe its time. after all that i've done maybe its time. after all the time that i've waited and waited maybe is time. after all the hopes and dreams that i saw maybe its time, that i really let go. maybe thats the best for me, for him especially and for the friendship. tho honestly its breaking my heart so much i dont think i can be around him for smtime..it just hurts the most when u're so into smthg, and u're so sure it is him, and then u urself had to let it go cos u dont wanna make it difficult for him..ended up crying to sleep at i dont know what time, 3am maybe...woke up with bad coughing at 6 sampai sakit dada, nose blocked with all the crying, and sakit dada n kepala. decided to not to go to work today. my head feels like mad and i know i'm going to cry the whole day whenever there's chance anyway..so here i am still at home, deciding which clinic to go for an m.c. kalau x dpt, emergency leave la nampaknye...It will be a couple of weeks or months or years of stress and depression but i hope i'll bounce back in time....

9:50 AM

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